romantic dream of my friend

[pianolover]

As the subject announces, I had a romantic dream of my friend. Someone I have known for a year and a half now. And well I'm attracted to her and in my dream we were together. When we kissed it was awesome. And when I caught her staring at me in my dream I felt awesome as well. I'm a female. So this is why it is weird for me. I'm bisexual but I don't know how to look at her when I think of wanting to be with her.. I haven't felt this way about anyone and I'm kind of scared of it

[Heather]

How about we talk a little about what has you feeling scared?

One of the things I like to remind myself when I feel scared of my feelings is that feelings are ultimately just like thoughts: they don't, all by themselves, do anything. And no one has to know I have them unless I choose to share them. Feelings or thoughts can't do anything without my choosing to do things with them or without my consent.

What makes these feelings feel scary for you?

[pianolover]

Maybe im scared of the feelings of being scared.. I don't know if that makes sense. I think what I mean by this is feeling like i might disappoint myself if i don't pursue a relationship with her and feeling like i might disappointment myself and her if i try to have one. I don't really want one right now but I could see myself having one with her. I just don't know how it would work. I don't know how to have a friendship with someone I have these feelings about. A good healthy friendship.

[Siân]

I think it's totally possible to have a friendship with someone when you have those feelings. It can feel odd at first, but if you put your friendship and what is best for each of you first and let your feelings just be without trying to do anything about them you can continue to enjoy eachothers company. I think where it goes wrong is often where you try to change your feelings or make your friendship about those feelings, if that makes sense? Of course, sometimes we'll need to take a step back to care for ourselves and that's okay too.

You talk about feeling you'll disappoint yourself if you do pursue a romantic relationship and also if you don't - what makes you think that?

[pianolover]

It's this doubt that I have for myself that thinks I need to be in a relationship and that I know, isn't true. Then there is a part of me that WANTS to be in a relationship. A romantic relationship, where we go do things together, kiss, develop a strong relationship, get to know one another, and take care of one another. But I know right now isn't the best time to be in one because of everything that is going on in my life. All of the changes that is happening around me and within me. I just feel overwhelmed with the notion of dating and any relationship. It's hard to maintain a relationship with myself, let alone another person.

[Siân]

Sounds like you have a lot of good insight on what is right for you just now. I totally get what you mean about knowing you're not in the right place for a relationship but also sometimes thinking about how it could be nice, you're right though that you need to be able to maintain a relationship with yourself first and foremost. You mention feeling overwhelmed, what do you do to look after yourself?

[pianolover]

I do things that I like and sometimes I reach out to people through my phone like using scarleteen

[Mo]

Those all sound like good things. One thing I want to mention, since you talk about having a hard time maintaining a relationship with yourself, is that some daily journaling or other structured reflection might be helpful. I find that I sometimes have a hard time identifying how I'm feeling in the moment, but if I'm in the habit of journaling regularly it gets a little easier to order my thoughts and have a sense of how I'm doing.

[pianolover]

Yeah, I agree. Thank you all for your help

[pianolover]

I feel like this dream had to do with having sexual desires for someone is a lot more valid for me then I want. having sex doesn't fit into my life right now and probably won't for a few years. I've had sex a year ago and I don't know how I felt so comfortable then. But realizing that I'm not ready for it now is confusing. Because I seemed ready then but did not have healthy experiences or enough education about sex or mine and my partners bodies. Now I'm not ready and know a lot more than I did. It just makes me question what it is I need to give myself in this time of not being ready and allowing myself that time of not being ready and educating myself and others. Scarleteen has been the most helpful. Thank you

[Siân]

It's okay to have felt one way then and feel a different way now. It even makes sense that as you have had more experiences and learnt more you have developed more of an understanding of what feels right for you just now.

I think in terms of what you need to give yourself, you hit on a good point when you talked about allowing yourself time. I would add to that allowing your feelings to be complicated, and allowing yourself to change your mind. What do you think?

[pianolover]

I think that allowing myself to have complicated feelings is a good piece of advice but seems hard because i want to fix things right away. But that is something I can work on. I also feel changing my mind is something I've been working on and its been hard. I think allowing yourself to change your mind gives me power and control over myself. It's hard because I doubt my choices and me changing my mind. That is the hardest part about allowing myself to change my mind.

[Siân]

Yeah, I totally get that. It's a lot easier to say "sit with the hard feelings and let them be" than it is to actually do the thing, which is something that comes with time and practice. I don't think that changing your mind means that you were wrong before btw, just that you're figuring things out.

How can we best support you right now?

[pianolover]

By being you! I have been grateful for all that you all have done already. A simple reply is awesome. Having resources that I can read on that gives me insight on to similar things I may be dealing with.

[Siân]

<3 I'm sorry I missed this response earlier, so happy that you've found support here! Happy to listen any time you need us