Sex with dysphoria?

[RenRen]

Hello. I'm actually somehow embarassed because I never talked about this topic to anyone. I'm grey-asexual, I feel sexual desire towards people sporadically, and genderqueer (afab and male presenting due to language barriers in my country).
I've been struggling a lot with intimacy and sex due to my dysphoria and body issues. Even masturbating feels disgusting, and whenever I feel sexual desire towards a person it only worsens.
I want to learn how to be comfortable with my current body enough to touch myself without feeling repelled by my genitalia, do you have any advice? Hope it even makes sense lmao
Thank you in advance

[Mo]

Hi RenRen, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm glad you felt up for opening up this conversation with us even though it feels embarrassing to you. Dealing with dysphoria can be emotionally intense and it's understandable that this would be hard to bring up.
You aren't alone in having stress around this. Not every genderqueer person has body dysphoria, but it is common, and I think everyone has to find their own way to relate to their body and their genitals. Sometimes it can be really tough, for sure.

Do you have anyone else in your life with a similar gender identity, who you can talk to about these feelings? I ask because one of the things I've found helpful in my own experience as a nonbinary trans person, is talking to other trans people in a mutually-affirming way where we can share the struggles and victories we have with our bodies. Seeking out other trans partners has been good for me as well, because I often feel safer and more affirmed with other people who have that history.

Also, is there physical intimacy or touch that you do enjoy right now, that feels like something that's pleasurable in an uncomplicated way? If it feels like your genitals are stressful or upsetting to touch or think a lot about now, it might feel good to have some form of touch that you know does feel all right so that you aren't only having stressful experiences with your body.

[RenRen]

Hello, thank you for answering, I feel really better knowing I'm not alone in suffering these kinds of issues.
I have some friends that are transgender, but none of them identifies as nonbinary, and in any case I feel very embarassed in talking about sex or masturbation, also because I don't want to make them uncomfortable.
As for the second question, I'm a very physical person, I love cuddling and being held, but I haven't had the occasion to find out what kind of intimacy or touch is pleasurable to me in a sexual way due to my dysphoria and not having a partner. I do enjoy touch as long as it isn't sexual or near my chest and lower regions, that's a big no-no even in platonic touches.
I'm sorry if I'm not very detailed but intimacy is a very complicated topic to me especially since I don't have that much experience

[Heather]

Welcome, RenRen: I'm glad you feel comfortable here.

I'm not entirely sure what you're asking, because I'm not seeing any questions in your post. Can you have another go at what you're asking so we can try and help?

[RenRen]

Hi Heather, I'm sorry I wasn't very clear in my post but as I said I'm very embarassed about this and I never talked about it.
My question was if there was a way to learn how to be comfortable with sexual intimacy despite my heavy dysphoria and body issues, at least enough to not feel heavily disgusted with myself.
Sorry if I wasn't clear and hope it made sense now

[Heather]

It's okay!

And by all means, that's something you can learn: honestly, it's something a lot of people need time and patience to learn because of a whole range of issues. It's not weird to need to learn that, I promise.

You say you feel disgusted with yourself: can you say more about what that is and where you think it comes from? And is that something you feel even with your own masturbation?