Virgin dilemma

[Okane]

Every time I’m with a partner and about to have consensual sex, something weird happens. By weird I mean the opportunity for us to have sex is ruined.This has legitimately happened with every encounter I’ve had. It could be someone walking in and scaring them, they start acting very strange leading up to having sex or when we’re in the act of running bases, or just they do/say something to turn me completely off.


I’m not super picky & I don’t have impossible expectations and standards. I don’t have problems finding partners/girlfriends and I’m fairly healthy. I don’t have any ailments or problems functioning.

I’ve run every base except intercourse & anal which is the majority of sex- so yes I’m still a virgin.

Now that I look back, I’ve missed a lot of opportunities to have sex and have also passed up on a lot of opportunities or just the timing was off. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on that much but it is a major blow to my self esteem. It seems like the women I attract are either 1000 miles away or are weird, toxic, and damaged. “You are what you attract.” From a spiritual standpoint I am highly empathic and seem to attract damaged partners. Could it be our vibrations are too far apart to connect?

I stated earlier that I’m not super picky but I’m also very selective about who I date and or choose to engage with sexually. It’s not like I just open that kind of relationship with a stranger. These are usually women I’ve known for awhile & it just ruins our relationship by making things awkward. I’m in no rush and by no means do I pressure or force having sex with my partner. But it would seem that when it comes down to it- it just doesn’t work out.

Is this normal? Does anyone else experience halfway sex then get disappointed? And if you’re a spiritual person, is it just because I’ve been with the wrong people- and the divine is trying to save me from going down that path?

[Sam W]

Hi Okane,

So, before I cover anything else, I want to point out that it sounds like you are sexually active. You just haven't had two of the many types of sex that people can have. And since virginity isn't a physical state of being, but rather a social construct, it's up to you to decide whether this means you're still a virgin (you can read more about why that is here:Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context). That stickiness about what "counts" as sex is also why we encourage people to use a metaphor like pizza, rather than a metaphor about bases, to think about sex: To Slide or to Slice? Finding a Positive Sexual Metaphor

There are several things that could be going on here. You mention something always happens that prevents you from having vaginal sex. Do you notice a pattern at all in those things? For instance, do your partners get uncomfortable around the same aspect of sex? Is there a certain thing that turns you off that keeps happening? Do you keep being sexual in places that don't allow for much privacy?

I'm also a little unclear on what you mean when you say you attract "damaged" partners. Do you mean partners who are carrying trauma? Partners who have some issues they're dealing with around sex? Something else? And, since it takes two to tango, do you have a sense of why you tend to chose to be sexual with those people?