testosterone doubts

[justsomeguy]

i have no idea if anyone is going to answer this but its worth a shot, im 15 years old and have been out as a trans man for 2 years. i am set to start testosterone in September which for any trans person should be a good thing right? and some days it feels like thats 100% what I want and i wont regret it. however there are also times like this where i am absolutely terrified that im making a mistake and after i start ill ruin my body forever. this mostly stems from a night about 2 years ago when i really started to question my gender and all i really remember from that night is maybe i would be different and stand out if i came out as trans, of course i brushed it off because it was late and i was being dumb but over the next year i ended up realizing i was male and started coming out. so what if my whole trans journey was some how me tricking my own brain into thinking im a man? i had thought that gay relationships were really hot for a couple of months and i always wished i could have been born a man to be in one so did i fetishize gay relationships to such an extreme that i changed my own gender? i truly believe that i feel dysphoria but most of the time its linked to a social feel, like if someone in public thought of me or referred to me as a girl i get so uncomfortable and wrong but at home most of the time im fine, i dont need to bind unless im out with people and most of the time i can look at my chest w/o any emotion.
i feel a lot of pressure about making sure im right about this decision bc i have a pre existing anxiety and depression disorder that got better after i came out. i go to therapy but not a gender therapist, my therapist tries to help me in these situations but this is the first time ive ever said my full feelings on it because im so scared of someone saying ive been faking it. my best friend at the time said i was looking for attention when i came out to him so thats probably where that fear comes from. ive also always had a rocky relationship with my mom and she is accepting of my identity but whenever we seriously talk about medically transitioning she starts hysterically crying.

so yeah, thats my life story ig any advice is appreciated. sorry for any spelling/punctuation mistakes or run on sentences im typing this quickly

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards, justsomeguy.

It sounds to me like you're putting a lot of undue pressure on yourself here. You know, taking T isn't a one-time-only decision that you can't ever change or adapt. Rather, it's something that you can try if you want to, see how it goes, and make decisions to keep going with it, adjust it, or stop taking it as you go. Taking T won't "ruin" your body if you take it and stay on it OR if you take it and later decide you don't want to take it anymore. You also can decide to hold off with T for now if it feels like you need more time to decide.

It really sounds to me like you need a therapist who actually has education and experience in treating trans patients. Have you talked to your existing therapist about helping you to get a referral and/or finding that kind of therapist?

It also sounds to me like the main people in your life are being terribly unsupportive, to the point they've got you doubting your own sense of yourself and your feelings. It also sounds like they're not great at taking care of their own feelings and experiencing them in a way that doesn't make you feel bad. I'm so sorry about that. I am absolutely certain that YOU are the best authority on yourself, your own feelings, and your own gender. Would you like to talk about how to set limits and boundaries, and make asks, of these people?

I think it might be helpful to you to write a post here where you center yourself in all this, and try and trust your gut feelings about yourself and your gender. Can you try typing a little bit about your gender identity where you don't second guess it? It's okay if it's free-flowing and not totally clear. I just think it'd be a good idea to try and get back to some faith in your own feelings and to centering yourself in all this.