working past issues

[phantomdog]

hi everyone,

an issue that has arisen recently is my own self-consciousness and dysphoria around receiving oral sex. my boyfriend (who is a cis gay guy) has told me a couple times he’d be willing to do oral on me, and this is something i want, but i’ve found, at least when thinking about it, that dysphoria is standing in the way of asking for it. when i’m feeling self conscious i sometimes feel like my being trans somehow invalidates him as a gay guy, especially when i think about the very apparent contrasts between me and him — he’s a very masculine guy, and i’m pre-t and it makes me feel bleh sometimes. i’m currently seeing a gender-specializing therapist and we’re working on a strategy to get my (incredibly) unsupportive mother on board with medical transition, which i think will help with a lot of these bad feelings i sometimes get that dysphoria causes. but until then, how could i work around these feelings to feel good about asking for and during oral sex? thank you!!

[Sam W]

Hi phantomdog,

Glad to hear you're working on steps towards medical transition, since it sounds like something you really want. It sucks that you're having to deal with your mom not supporting you as part of that process.

With oral sex, is their a particular part of it that trips the "oh no, this is invalidating him" switch in your mind? Is it something to do with simply the body parts in question? The language you two use, either aloud in or your own head? Something else? I'm acting off the assumption that this is something you actually want to do with him, and that dysphoria is acting as a roadblock to a thing you're otherwise excited about, but please correct me if I'm off about that.

[phantomdog]

hi sam,

the body parts are definitely the main factor. i’m okay with intercourse between my parts and his, because it’s easy for me to just melt into what’s happening without having to look or think about it. but i feel as though with oral my whole attention will be on what’s going on down there rather than being able to focus on how it feels and what’s happening as sex as a joint effort. none of my inhibitions are of any fault of his, because he is always doing his best to be a wonderfully affirming partner, and i know he would only ever do what i’m comfortable with. that said, this is something i really want but don’t know how to work past my other feelings.

[Sarah B]

Hi, just a suggestion, have you tried the 69 position for oral? I am just thinking if maybe part of your focus is on his genitals and what you are doing to pleasure him then maybe you would be able to relax a bit while he is also giving you oral. Similar to when you are having intercourse.

[Sam W]

Hi Phantomdog,

That added context is really helpful, thank you. Do you think there are things that would help you keep your focus on the parts of oral sex you want to focus on rather than on your specific body parts? For instance, I know of some trans guys who tend to talk a little more during oral sex because it helps them focus on what's going and on connecting with their partner rather than on any dysphoria that's trying to pop up (it they're using the language that feels right to them to describe their genitals, that can also help silence the jerk brain). Have you and he had any chances to experiment with baby steps around you receiving oral? Or is it more that as soon as you two start heading that direction the dysphoria kicks in?