When does a fantasy become sexual assault?

[Sarah B]

Content note: very explicit, detailed and sexualized description of sexual violence and abuse. - H

So I have been seeing my current boyfriend for awhile now. He himself is not very sexually adventurous but he is okay with me being sexually adventurous. For example he is not into having MMF sex but he allows me to have MMF sex with two other guys. I also think he is kind of turned on by me having sex with other guys (though he had never verbally said so). So recently I wrote a journal that contained a sexual fantasy I had. The sexual fantasy was 5 guys that I didn't know having very rough almost forced group sex with me at a party after everyone else had left. Well I shared this fantasy with my boyfriend and told him it was something I wished I could try in real life but didn't know how to make it happen safely. He didn't say much about it and we didn't speak of it again.

This is where it gets strange. Two nights ago we went back to his place and started having sex. He said he wanted to try something and blind fold me. I agreed. He was having sex with me doggy style (while I was blind folded) when he said wait one second. I assumed he was going to get a toy or something to use on me. He left the room for a minute and then I heard him come back in. I was still in doggy style position and he came up behind me and started giving me oral. Then eventually he started penetrating me again with his penis. At this point i started to think something was up as his penis felt different, bigger and a different shape. I decided to keep going along with it however. He then used his hands to get me to change position to missionary, with out saying anything. I continued to go along with this blindfolded. He continued having sex with me in this position faster and faster. Then all of a sudden he took off my blindfold and I was looking up at a handsome stranger (not my boyfriend) the stranger then thrusted deep inside me and ejaculated in me without a condom. I was genuinely shocked. He pulled out and started getting dressed, i asked who he was but all he said was Mike. Then he left, while I laid there speachless. I eventually got up and looked around my boyfriend's place for him but he was no longer there, so I locked up and went home. I haven't talked to my boyfriend since for two reasons, 1. He had not tried to contact me and 2. I don't know how I feel about it yet.

So here are my questions: Even if I enjoyed this, my boyfriend and I never discussed this situation, it is not exactly the fantasy I shared with him, I's this sexual assault? And if it is, who is responsible? My boyfriend or the stranger or both? Can I really put any blame on them when I knew something was up once I got penetrated but allowed it to continue anyways? Also is it messed up if I am am actually fine with the whole situation? Does that make me a bad person? When I think about it right now I am turned on by it and thankful to my boyfriend but I wonder will my feelings change about this? And is it okay if I am fine with it for now but in 6 months change my mind and am not okay with it?

I know that is a lot of questions but I am still processing it all.

[Sarah B]

Yes I am on birth control and I do get regular STI checks because I have been having unprotected sex regularly with the other two guys. I know I need to talk to him, I wad just trying to sort out my own feelings first.

[Heather]

Just FYI, I added a content warning to your post because the detail you went into about this here is fine, but can cue a lot of trauma for those of us who have also been victims of rape and other kinds of sexual violence.

Sarah, I'm sorry this happened to you, regardless of how you feel about it, because this was a major violation of you as a person and of your body. That's never something that should be done to anyone.

If this occurred the way you posted about it, then this was absolutely sexual assault, and sexual assault your boyfriend facilitated, both of which are crimes (committing assault, as Mike did, and planning and facilitating assault, as your boyfriend did). You were not asked for permission to do this by either your boyfriend or this other person, and you did not consent to sex with this person. This person raped you and your boyfriend helped them to do that: your boyfriend literally planned a rape in advance with this person. Not using a condom is also an additional abuse and criminal action. Both of these men were responsible for these actions. You are not responsible because something felt different and you did not say it did. You didn't rape you. Mike raped you and your boyfriend provided him the opportunity to do that and took part. These men are the people responsible.

We can't and won't tell you how to feel about this, but how you feel about it doesn't change what it was. Everyone is allowed to feel however they feel about their experience of assault. That doesn't make assault not assault, though. What makes assault assault are actions of the perpetrators, not feelings of the victim.

It could not be more clear you are not safe in this relationship and that your safety is something your boyfriend -- and I think perhaps you, yourself -- is not considering. Your physical safety -- per disease but also your own bodily autonomy -- was compromised here, and your emotional safety absolutely was. I am not only concerned for your safety with this person in both those regards, I'm also concerned about your own sense of safety: it sounds to me like you aren't concerned about your own safety, either, and that worries me a great deal.

I am also concerned that you are, if you are, feeling like all or even any of this is fine. Sexually assaulting someone is never fine. It is a profound violation.

I'm not comfortable talking about you thinking this is okay as you being "messed up" or as a bad person. But if and when sexual assault seems okay or even great to someone, that's usually because sexual violence or other abuse has been normalized for them, so they have been taught -- usually via abuse -- that it is apparently okay or not a violation. If and when someone doesn't think they have a right to safety, it's usually because they have grown up learning, again, often through abuse, that they don't actually have a right to safety and bodily autonomy. There are some other possibilities here, too (like someone lacking the cognitive ability to understand what assault is, or that what happens in porn isn't always okay in real life), but ultimately, this is the kind of thing that's best addressed in private with a therapist of some kind, rather than on a public board, even though it's anonymous.

My primary concern right now is your safety, especially since based on this post and a lack of response to your other, where we talked about how this kind of fantasy often isn't safe to explore, it feels like you aren't taking your safety seriously AND have at least one or two people in your life who have behaved in a way that makes clear they don't care about it, either.

So, before anything else, I want to do a few things:
1) I want to make sure we're doing all we can to make clear that you are not safe with your boyfriend or this Mike, and doing what we can to help you get safe. Can you stay away from both of them? How about getting some help from family or friends in helping with that, potentially including helping you stand up for your own safety by staying away yourself?

2) I want to make clear that you have had health risks here -- of STIs, of pregnancy -- and make sure you know that you need to tend to those. It would be ideal for you to talk to a healthcare provider right away about emergency contraception (unless you are already using an ongoing effective method like an IUD or the pill) and STIs, including the option of a PEP to reduce your risk of HIV transmission.

3) I want to make sure you know you have the option of reporting these crimes (and that would also connect you to healthcare like I'm taking about above, as well as orders of protection for both of these people) to the police. We always respect everyone's decisions around reporting, but I want to be clear that major crimes have been committed here and you have the option of seeking justice, as well as getting some kinds of care taken care of in that process, especially if you don't otherwise have access. This may also include the option of counseling later you don't have to pay for: I hear you saying you feel fine now, but that likely will not always be the case.

I also want to make clear that I do NOT think you should talk with your boyfriend. I think, rather, you should stay far away from him, as he has made very clear you are not safe with him, and not just via this incident. From your first post here, it sounds like this is someone who has not likely been safe for you and who may even have groomed you for sexual abuse. The previous post from Sam was deleted, please refer to the post I've made here instead.

[Sarah B]

So I take issue with lots of what was said. Why would I want an emergency contraceptive when I am on the pill? And why do you keep talking about it being physically unsafe? I choose to have sex with out a condom regularly and for that reason get regular sti check ups. Many people do this! And you are making me feel very uncomfortable and judged for this decision. I know there is an increased risk of contradicting something but that is my decision and sex is never risk free. I have had condoms break before and neither me or my partner realized and after he ejaculated so how do purpose risk free sex? Also this is what I was worried about in terms of taking to anyone, now i feel judged and also with out talking to my boyfriend, for all I know this Mike may have thought that this was a role play session that I had consented too. I also don't think my boyfriend was acting maliciously rather if anything made a bad misjudgment for everything he has done in our relationship to date has been respectful of my wishes and my wants.

Finally I do want to say thank you because you have made it clear that I should not talk to anybody about this because they may act as I feel you have and aggressively pursue reporting and charging mine and my boyfriend with crimes which is not at all what I want. Also I do feel like a very bad person now for enjoying the situation.

[Heather]

I am very sorry if you feel judged or uncomfortable. I assure you I am not judging you -- as I have said, how you feel about this doesn't make you responsible -- nor is or was it my intent to make you feel uncomfortable.

However, it would be grossly negligent and irresponsible of us not to inform a user when crimes have been committed against them, as they have been based on your post. It would also be negligent and irresponsible for us not to inform a user when they are clearly unsafe, as anyone is in a relationship with a partner who facilitates and participates in sexual assaulting them. We simply have to do our jobs here as best we can, and that includes being clear and honest with users of our services about crimes and safety issues that pertain to them, and giving that information with care, as was done here.

If being informed of those facts has made you feel bad, I'm very sorry for that, however, I -- and Scarleteen as an organization -- are more concerned with long-term health and safety risks, and with someone knowing and understanding when they are the victim of a crime, so if informing someone about those things also makes them feel bad, we're afraid that's simply an unfortunate side effect we have to accept. The alternative to giving that information would be withholding it and leaving someone unknowingly unsafe or without knowing they have avenues to justice and safety. No responsible service or organization would withhold that kind of information from someone.

Per some of your questions, it is legally and ethically on everyone involved and engaging in sex to seek the consent of everyone involved and to only do sexual things to or with that person with their express knowledge and consent. If your boyfriend lied to Mike and told him you consented, that is a further abuse and crime he has engaged in (your boyfriend would then also have committed fraud, on top of facilitating sexual assault: my understanding of the law when it comes to that kind of situation is that he could even be held responsible for engaging in sexual abuse of Mike). But none of that would not change that Mike engaged in assault, because he did not seek your consent from you. Your boyfriend can't consent on your behalf: only you can do that.

As I said, if you are already using an ongoing method, you may not need EC. If you are using the pill properly, then yes, EC won't be something you likely need.

Getting tested regularly for STIs doesn't mean a person does not have STI risks. That reduces the risk to that person's partners, but not to that person. If you engage in unprotected consensual sex with people, or people assault you without using condoms, your risks still remain as high as they would be without testing. You are perhaps confusing one person being regularly tested with closed couples or circles where everyone is regularly tested (and where anyone who gets a positive no longer engages in unprotected sex so long as their infection can be transmitted). That is a very different situation. I (and Sam, before me) am informing you of possible serious health risks because it is part of my job to do that: that is part of what we do as an organization. There is no such thing as sex with someone else that is free of STI risks: we do not propose any situation for "risk-free" sex (or sexual contact via assault) because there is, alas, no such thing.

As I made clear, I do not think you are a bad person, no matter how you feel about this. I also do not think that, if this occurred as you have posted, you bear responsibility for what was done to you here. I certainly understand, given how you are feeling, if this isn't a place you want to continue to talk about this or anything else. I do hope, however, you will take what was said about your safety to heart, and I also do hope you will talk to someone at some point.

In the event you want a resource to do that with that is not this resource, this resource, which includes a 24-hour crisis line, is likely local to you: https://www.sace.ca/services/support-line/ (780.423.4121). Here is a listing of further resources in Canada: http://gutsmagazine.ca/resources/

I very much hope that you can get and stay safe, that you can process this and make decisions about it that are in your best interest, that you can live a life free of sexual violence from here on out, and that you can feel good with yourself no matter what.

[Sarah B]

Thank you for taking the time to respond, for your concern and for all the information provided. I will continue to discuss this situation with a healthcare professional in a more private fashion.