Anxiety

[snowwhitex]

Hi. Since I started to have sex with my lovely boyfriend, everytime afterwards I feel extreme anxiety that I could be pregnant. It has been going on for about a year now and sincerely I don't know what to do. I want to have sex with him and he doesn't force me if I don't want to or I can't. To be protected we used condoms and withdrawal, then I went on combination pills+condoms, but recently I've quit them because of side effects. Everytime after sex we check if the condom didn't slip off/break/leak and anyways, he doesn't finish inside just to be double protected. I don't know why my brain keeps getting me nervous EVERYTIME we have sex. I know that theorically, condoms and withdrawal aren't as good as IUD or implant, but we use that method because I'm very young (17) and I can't take pills anymore. What should I do? Should I step back sexual activities till everything cools off and I won't feel anxious anymore? Thank you.

[Sam W]

Hi snowwhitex,

When someone is having really bad anxiety around sex or pregnancy, our recommendation is exactly what you suggested: that you step back from sexual activities that set off your anxiety. That doesn't mean you have to stop being sexual with your partner, just that you two should stick to activities where you're comfortable with the level of risk (if any) involved. Do you feel like you can talk to your partner about adjusting the activities you do during sex?

If you haven't already done so, a next step would be reading this article: You're Not Pregnant. Why Do You think You Are?. Looking at that, do any of explanations for recurring pregnancy anxiety feel like they apply to you?

It sounds like your age is a factor in not getting the IUD or Implant. Can you say a little more about why that is?

[snowwhitex]

Thank you for your reply and links. I will read them.
I guess you guys have already noticed that everytime I have anxiety around pregnancy I come here and bother you with questions I already know answers to. Maybe it's just my brain that wants that someone will say "no, you're not pregnant, please chill out and get some help".
In my country, there are still maaaany doctors (especially old ladies) who believe that taking hormonal pills or having hormonal contraception will later literally RUIN YOUR LIFE. I think you get the idea: I went to my OB in my town and she yelled at me why I was on COCs when I'm so young.
I really don't get why hormones would ruin my or my children life if there are research about women succesfully getting pregnant after quitting birth control.
Also, IUDs and implants in my country are super expensive and I am still dependent financially on my parents. I'm certain they wouldn't agree to buy such expensive "devices". I kind of think they think I am a virgin.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

So, that reassurance seeking you're describing is a really common pattern when it comes to anxiety. Part of why recommend people figure out what's underlying their pregnancy fears is so they can cut off that pattern of reassurance seeking, because even though seeking it feels good in the moment, it keeps you trapped in an anxiety loop.

Ooof, what a frustrating environment you have to navigate when getting contraception. If you ever want to talk about connecting with a healthcare provider who isn't going to scold you for your reproductive health choices, that's something we can help with. You're right, by the way, that there's no evidence to support the idea that using a hormonal method like the pill, IUD, or implant will ruin your life or prevent you from getting pregnant later on if that's what you want to do. Many, many people have the IUD (for instance), then have it removed because they're in a place where they want to have children.

[snowwhitex]

Yep, that's the environment I live in, unfortunately.
Going back to the anxiety topic, I've tried to stay away from sexual activities that can create risks but that quite didn't help me at all. It goes away for some time - let's say a month and later it comes back with full rage and anger.
I have pregnancy tests and I check myself if I notice some weird symptoms. That's what anxiety is making me do - force myself to look (YEAH GIRL YOU ARE PREGNANT FOR SURE) like a fool every month, two/three weeks after sex. I am stuck in a never-ending panic circle and it drives me crazy.

[Sam W]

It may be, then, that you have to pull back even more from sexual activities, at least for a little while. That should give you a chance to figure out some the potential underlying causes. Not to mention, at a certain point any pleasure from those activities is being cancelled out by the anxiety spiral.

Do you notice yourself getting similar spirals around other things in your life? Or is it only about pregnancy? And do any of the reasons in that article I linked feel like they apply to you?

[snowwhitex]

Actually, no, I don't get THAT nervous around anything than pregnancy. Of course, a person with anxiety tends to overthink and overcomplicate things, but pregnancy is the click, I guess.

[Siân]

Okay, that's a useful insight. I'd second Sam's suggestion that stepping back a little more from sexual activities that carry pregnancy risks for a while might be good for your mental health. Have you taken a look at the article Sam shared? There are a list of reasons that someone might have this idea that they're pregnant, how about looking through it and seeing if any of them sound like you?