Ex-boyfriend problems

[Nonsequitur]

Sksksksk, here’s the newest tea, and it’s pretty hot.
Have a seat, and lend an ear and listen:

My first boyfriend dumped me in early May.
He called me boring. Literally.
All the trust and intimacy we’ve built together slipped through my fingers unexpectedly.
I didn’t have proper closure in our relationship.
This (ex) boyfriend simply stated I was “boring” and “didn’t want me in his life anymore.”

Although this situation made me spiral into a depression and a identity crisis, I respected his statement, and never contacted him again.


But— here’s something that recently happened. He’s in one of my classes.

Did he decide to switch out of cause of my existence in the class?
Nope.

You know what he does now...
He stares at me.

No, this isn’t an obsessive assumption. It’s the third week of school, our eyes still occasionally meet in class.
Either when I’m sitting 6-feet away from him, or whenever I walk through a door.

I always knew that this (ex) boyfriend was reclusive, socially-awkward with just about everyone. Staring is his way to observe things and interpret internally.
For someone who’s pretty much done with me... it’s almost paradoxical that he continues to look at me frequently.

He also lingers in the same classroom I hang out during my lunch period. That’s a little strange, dontcha think?


The big questions:

- the staring and lingering doesn’t make me uncomfortable, though, is this a possible non-verbal way to get my attention back?


- I’m not that stupid, I notice what he does, should I call it out myself? Or should I still respect his space after his statement?


- Should I let someone else approach him and do the talking for me?

[Sam W]

Hi Nonsequitur,

I think your idea to respect his space is a good one. Really, ignoring the staring as much as you can is probably the way to go, for a few reasons. One is that, if he is trying to communicate something through it, he has other, more direct options he can use. But more than that, focusing on it is giving him space in your brain that he doesn't need to have, given that he broke up with you.

In terms of the break-up, it sounds like the initial fallout was really hard for you, which sucks in a big way. How are you doing around the break-up now that you're a few months out from it?

[Nonsequitur]

Hey there Sam, thanks for asking what’s up.

The relationship really torn me apart. In plenty of ways.
I’ve re-evaluated myself to a point where I’ve lost my identity, hopeless in my future, and feel like I’m not capable of potential relationships ever again.
The things I loved doing before now makes me anxious, and I have no interest anymore.


I think honestly I feel like this cause my previous boyfriend was one of the only people in my life who cherished myself, and my feelings.
We communicated together and I really helped him shine— ... or at least I thought I did.

Although, now I go to weekly talk therapy, and the school psychologist.

[Siân]

Yeah, breakups are really tough, especially when they come out of the blue like this and the ways you're feeling are pretty common in the circumstances. I'm glad you have professionals on your side to talk it through with.

I also hope you know that your relationship ending isn't a reflection of you as a person. Two deeply wonderful people can find that a romantic relationship doesn't work out because they aren't a good fit for each other - and still be deeply wonderful people. I get that in this moment, it can be hard to connect with all the things you love about yourself and the things that you enjoy doing but I promise you they are still there and the interest will come back.

What are you doing to look after yourself right now?

[Nonsequitur]

Hi there, Siân

Honestly, I don’t have a definite answer.

Recently, at each therapy session, I tell a collective of thoughts and events that effect me throughout the pervious week.

I’m immune with my negative thoughts nowadays, they’re just a part of me. Though, I believe, it’s good to keep in-check with them.


I try hanging out with my close friend, but throughout this school week, I break down more than once everyday around her.
I’m ashamed. I feel like I emotionally drain her.
I actually feel like that around all my friend when I tell my problems.
It’s all so non-reactant towards an emotionally charged person like me.
It literally feels like I’m on fire and the world just stares.


I’m also staring to give away lots of things I used to associate with.
I gave away my stuffed animal, threw away the posters on my wall; currently trying to give away all my old digital art stuff, such as my drawing tablet.

[Sam W]

Hi Nonsequitur,

With your therapist, after you talk about what you've thought and felt over the last week, do you the two of you discuss those thoughts and look for patterns, or look for ways to manage the thoughts that might be doing you more harm than good? Or do you do something else? And have you told your therapist at all about how you've been giving things away and what the urge behind that is?

When you're deep in some rough or negative thoughts and feelings, it can definitely feel like you're draining or somehow burdening your friends if they offer you support. You mention feeling like they're not reacting during those conversations. Is it that they don't react much at all, or react in ways that seem to signal disinterest or a lack of listening? Something else? Is there a way they could react or something they could do that would feel helpful to you during those talks?

In terms of looking after yourself, does it feel like a struggle for you to take care of yourself in really basic ways (eating, exercise, sleep, things like that)? Or is it more that you're getting through your days, but are finding it difficult to identify things to do that would make you feel good or relaxed?

[Nonsequitur]

(Okay, after I logged on, my reply disappeared, so I have to retype my
entry)

[Nonsequitur]

Somewhat—

I’ve discussed with my therapist that relationships are a difficult thing for me; this includes romantic, friendship, family, co-workers.

My life consists with a lack of personal intimacy.
While yes, people and relationships change and develop into different phases throughout life, I still remain in isolation.

I never had someone who has taken me seriously for a long time.
Even in situations where things get serious, and I talk about these issues, (with someone, like a personal family member or friend) nothing is taken into consideration or compassion. My problems aren’t important.

Not only I’m mourning with the fact that I’ve broken up with someone who’s understood I’m a complex being; I’m mourning over the fact that my life is just miserable, and I’ve been cursed with a revolting aura that even people in my life sees me as nothing... even in my most vulnerable state. Just breaking up with my (ex) boyfriend was the epiphany of it.

My parents are aware of how I’m feeling, and they cannot do much emotionally, that’s why they decided to send me to therapy. Which I’m thankful for.

I’ve somewhat told my therapist of pattern of relationships and my thoughts.
Probably because I’m so “new” to therapy, it takes a while to analyze myself along with my habits.
Which I have patience for... I understand therapy is a process.

As for the giving stuff away thing...

I’ve “Marie Kondoed” my whole entire room several times this summer.
It helps me do something while moping around.
I literally give away everything that seems untouched in a long time, and things I don’t wanna associate with anymore.
Maybe cause I just feel like I’m nothing, and I don’t have much hobbies anymore... so giving away things to other people seems like it’s better than something collecting dust.

[Sam W]

With your therapist, have they made any recommendations for what you can do in your day to day life to ease those feelings of isolation or work towards connections that do make you feel heard?

It sounds like you feel that there's something missing from the way your friends support you in those moments where you're vulnerable about the things you're going through. What do you feel is lacking during those interactions? If you were getting the support you needed during them, what would that look like?

You mention the break-up as sort of an epiphany point. A thought I'd offer is that while breakups can occasionally tell us something about ourselves (usually in relation to our romantic relationships), they usually don't reveal anything more profound than "I was not a good match for this person/they were not a good match for me." They don't reveal some fundamental truth about our value as human beings, or how everyone in our life, or who comes into our life, will see (or does) see us. With all of the tough emotions surrounding the break-up, I do want to check in about your safety; have you had any thoughts about death or dying?

[Nonsequitur]

Hiya Sam,

My therapist hasn’t gave me a direct coping-mechanism for either of those... yet.
I don’t know how to address that yet either. Should I just wait to see if they come up with something?
I don’t know if I should see a psychiatrist along with my talk-therapy either.

I have no idea what my friends are lacking. I don’t have a definite, thought-up idea of what I want from people.
I can’t change, or control their reactions upon things.
We live in a world nowadays where most people are bombarded with other relationships or priorities.
I’m not going to be someone who wants to hog someone’s time and energy.
I don’t want to put a sad perspective upon this, but none of my friendships will matter after graduation. Everyone going to move on to bigger and better, life-changing things. Good for them.

So, in a way, I just honestly gave up on asking my friends for help whatsoever. I don’t even have feelings about it either.
I rather talk about what I’m dealing with trusted adults at school, or at least a few paid professionals.


I’ll be completely honest, yes.
I merely have thoughts of death everyday recently.
I believe my therapist called it suicidal ideation— so I do think of wanting to die, but I don’t condone upon thinking of a plan to die, or putting it into action.

So, I guess, if I’m just forced to live life, I’m going to replicate death as close as I can.

[Alice M]

Hi there!

Therapy works *even better* when you're willing and/or able to ask for things. Focusing on coping mechanisms and other techniques to get you through your daily life is absolutely something you could ask for right now (as soon as your next appointment with them).

Trusted adults at school, therapists and, yes, a psychiatrist if you can access one (your therapist would likely be a good person to ask about seeing a psychiatrist -- therapist and/or primary care doctor) also seem like a good plan. It sounds like you have a lot of options for support in your daily life, and that's a great thing. The more you can utilize these resources, the more you're likely to find solid ways to go forward in a positive or healthy direction.

[solareclipse94]

Hey,

I feel the same thing with most of my ex's. One of them said that he and I could be friends then he blocked me on social media. He broke up with me because his mom say that "he can't date anyone". I find that hard to believe. He ignores me whenever I try to talk to him in person. I find it better that he and I aren't dating anymore because I wouldn't have found the guy I'm with now.

I am here if you need to talk,
solareclipse94