Torn and confused.

[MartinSmartin]

Hi thank you for this site. I have some problems and I hope anyone can help. These problems are really destroying me. I'm very depressed and about to give up on ever meeting anyone or going on any dates ever.
I'm a guy who grew up fat, I've lost about 100 pounds 40 to go, shy and full of religious guilt and fear from an abusive childhood.
I had one girl friend who I went out with for a year who did not want to have sex and I respected that. And I've had two other chances to have sex but was so nervous and scared I could not get an erection. All three girls were nice looking. The last girl was upset I could not have sex and really pressured me and made me feel bad about it. Somehow along the way I've discovered deep down inside I believe:
Liking girls is bad and embarrassing. I fell guilty for this and angry too because I was brain washed into believing this which has made me very fearful of women.
Sex is a bad thing.
Women are bad. Women don't like men or sex.
These are things I was raised to believe from an abusive childhood and screwed up religious views.
I just want someone to tell me the truth. I have searched the internet and cannot find the truth. All i find is dont do this, dont do that and some very confusing information. So I hope you take my questions seriously and answer them truthfully and direct as you can. I don't have anyone else to talk to.
Do women like guys?
Is it ok to like women?
Is it ok to compliment women?
Do women like sex?
Is it ok for me to want sex ?
Is it ok for me to want a girlfriend?
Do women hate men and me?
Thank you

[Sam W]

Hi Martin,

I think it was a sound first step to start doing some introspection to see where your negative thoughts and feelings around sex might be coming from. I want to re-emphasize what Mo said about looking into counseling. If you're not already doing so, that's something that would likely be sound as well. Do you know what kind of mental health resources you have access to?

Like Mo said, women are not a monolith, so there's no way to speak about what they want as single, agreed upon thing. As far as desire, it is okay to desire or like people, or sex, or relationships, and as you go through life you'll find people who have those same desires, and have them in your direction (it actually sounds like you already have, to some extent).

I might also try reading some sex positive sites, such as Scarleteen, to get some messages that counter some of that guilt or negativity you feel around sex.

[Heather]

You might also find it helpful to switch the "women" for 'men" in those questions if you're not getting that answers to those questions are going to be different for each person, and that someone's gender won't answer them one way or another based on that gender.

Do you need help seeking out mental healthcare? If so, we're glad to help you with that.

In the meantime, maybe it might help to talk about what messages you were given via your religion and your abuse that you feel are tripping you up the most?

Btw, there's a book I think you might find very helpful with some of this, SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do About It by Aline P. Zoldbrod Ph.D.

[MartinSmartin]

Sam, thanks for replying. I have been in and out of therapy most of my life. I have seen 8 different counselors that I can remember. I am barely getting to the root of why I think the things I do. Even a few months ago I would not even dared to post anything like this about myself even on an anonymous forum. I'm seeing two councelors now. One is a ptsd therapist who specializes in child abuse. She said to me a few times what was done to me was close to being torture. I have a feeling tho that she might be at her wits end with me. At my last session with my other councelor he just sat and stared at me after the things I said and did not say anything. So I'm pretty sure he's done all he can with me. I meet with two pastors also who are frustrated with me and arent sure what to do.
Being a virgin at my age is a huge traumatic cross I bare. Women just can't understand how awful it feels. And then those same women that blame you for being a virgin, also shame you if you are not a virgin. It's like women want you to be something that just doesn't exist. So its an unsolvable problem in my head that I cant get past.
Heather thanks for replying too. And yea if there is a type of therapist that you guys can think of that can help I would really like to know. Thanks for the book recommendation. I will check it out. But one thing. Does that book make things clearer or just dig up problems? Shaped my sex life, see the problem is that there is no sex life and so I dunno if that book is any good to me. When I think of women well might as well say it, I think of suicide. I get so tired of trying to talk to them and being nervous and it just seems the bar is so very high. i know life is not fair but why do i have to do everything? Have to impress them, have to be funny, have to buy stuff, have to make first move, have to be this and that, and women just sit there. What do they do? They are born with good looks and get everything handed to them. And really what do I get in return? Rejection, humiliation, and feeling bad. Survival of the fittest right? Might as well jump off a bridge. These are the things that go through my head everyday. Why is it the mans job to do everything then get bitched at because its never right or good enough. Why cant women be nice to me once in a while? And why is it such a guessing game? Women act like sex is bad and will not talk about it, yet they post all these sex pictures on dating sites and shame you for giving them a compliment. Women say they dont know what they want, but know what they dont want and I have to guess that? How is that possible? I honestly do not understand how anyone can be together or let alone get married. I dont get it.

[MartinSmartin]

I hope anyone can help. I dont really have anyone to talk to anymore who understand me.

[MartinSmartin]

to be honest I'm getting pretty close to giving up on life. Im sorry to say that.

[Heather]

Hey, Martin, before we can talk about anything else with you, we need to address the things you have said about feeling suicidal.

We cannot work with someone if and when they may be a danger to themselves or others. We simply are not set up to do that, in all the ways an organization or service needs to be. In addition, I personally am very triggered by suicidal expressions due to my life history, so as the director here, that deficit on my part makes this a particularly problematic place when suicidality is an issue.

So, what we need when someone expresses suicidality, as you have, is to get them to care for that first, and to be assured they have or have gitten that care before we can work any further with them.

It sounds like you do currently have mental healthcare: have you reported these thoughts and feelings to one of tour counselors, and if so, are they getting you care to address feeling suicidal? If not, can we direct you to a local hospital or a suicide hotline so you can get that vital care?

[MartinSmartin]

Hi Heather thanks for replying.
Suicide is not what I want. I want someone to understand me and not judge me. I have gotten beat up so badly physically/emotionally that it's hard for me to talk to people. I wish there was a group that could accept me without judgement. My zipcode is 95926. If there's any groups you know of thanks. Thanks for replying too. I am so tired of being beat up. I'm tired of having to please everyone. I'm tired of everyone hating me and tossing me to the side. I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of everyone telling me how wrong I am. It would be nice if someone once said something nice about me without making me feel bad.

[Heather]

I just want to have another go at this to make sure you have the care you need. You have expressed suicidal feelings a few times in your last couple posts, but now I hear you saying that is not an issue.

It is very important to me to do my job responsibly, so sorry if I am asking for reruns, but I do need a sound sense of if these feelings and thoughts of suicide you have expressed are earnest right now or not before I move forward at all.

[MartinSmartin]

Hi Heather. Thanks again for replying.
No I don't really want to kill myself. I get very frustrated and depressed and sometimes think there is no way out. So I talk about it. I did talk to a pastor yesterday and felt better. If suicide was what I really wanted I wouldn't be going to therapy which is very painful, or talking to pastors or even posting here.
I do feel there is something better out there, but it is so hard to reach and sometimes I get lost in all the pain and conflicting parts of life. I just feel so let down by life is all.I'm glad you are taking the time to write me. Thank you.

[Heather]

Okay. So, I'm comfortable moving forward then, so long as you and I can have an agreement where you assure me if you DO think you are at all a danger to yourself or others, you'll tend to that ASAP, and ask for help finding that care if you need it. Okay?

There's some of this that is simply outside the sphere of what we do and can do here at Scarleteen. But one thing we can certainly do is talk about, and challenge, gender stereotyping or struggles with gender and concepts of gender.

I feel like it might help to start by just transcribing what was going on in my head when I read one of your posts. Just so you can get a tangible idea of what that sounds like to someone who has experienced and felt about gender in this regard differently than you do.

It kind of went like this:

You: "Being a virgin at my age is a huge traumatic cross I bare. Women just can't understand how awful it feels. And then those same women that blame you for being a virgin, also shame you if you are not a virgin. It's like women want you to be something that just doesn't exist. So its an unsolvable problem in my head that I cant get past. "

My head: "Huh. Who are these women he's talking about, and where is he meeting people with such crummy ideas about sexual history? Funny though, sounds like, per usual, virginity constructs are crummy for everyone."

You: "When I think of women well might as well say it, I think of suicide."

My head: "Again, who are these women that have treated you so poorly so you have the idea women make life no longer worth living? And, incidentally, how's it going to go trying to talk to a woman here when you feel that way about all of us?"

You: "I get so tired of trying to talk to them and being nervous and it just seems the bar is so very high. i know life is not fair but why do i have to do everything? Have to impress them, have to be funny, have to buy stuff, have to make first move, have to be this and that, and women just sit there."

My head: "Huh? What? Who told you you have to do these things? Who has asked you to and said they want all that? And who is asking you to do all that and then just sitting there? These sound like very strange people."


You: "What do they do? They are born with good looks and get everything handed to them."

My head: "Now all women look the same? And get everything handed to us? How did I miss my big handouts? Where is the line for that? Oh, and can we at least maybe get, then, while folks are just giving us everything, gender equity around the globe finally? "

You: "And really what do I get in return?"

My head: "In return for what? For the the "everything" just handed out to women? Is it YOU giving all that great stuff out? I want my handouts now, please! "

You: "Why is it the mans job to do everything then get bitched at because its never right or good enough."

My head: "Is that YOUR job? So, women have never been criticized or taken for granted, only men? The world must have mistaken a lot of us for men, then."

You: "Why cant women be nice to me once in a while?"

My head: "None ever are? None? Not even, you know, right now while one of us is trying to help you out? No? Huh. Also, with this stuff in your head, chances are some women can sniff it out a mile away, and are keeping their distance because the way you're thinking about them is pretty scary."

You: "And why is it such a guessing game?"

My head: "Umm, because women are people, and just like with men, we have to get to know them as people to figure out what they want from other people? Just throwing that out there."

You: "Women act like sex is bad and will not talk about it, yet they post all these sex pictures on dating sites and shame you for giving them a compliment. Women say they dont know what they want, but know what they dont want and I have to guess that?"

My head: "Still not knowing who all these women are. WHO ARE THESE STRANGE WOMEN?!? But rerun: no, you don't have to guess that. You have to get to know someone to learn what they want, man, woman, child or fuzzy small animal."

By all means, some of my thoughts there are a little caustic, but I wanted to share a pretty honest reaction with you to some of this, in the hopes that you can see that someone like me is just as mystified by what you are thinking as you are.

But the thing is, I'm mystified by the THOUGHTS, not by the group of 3+ billion people in the world who make up the group we call "women." I mean, people are a mystery, for sure, but no one giant group of people more than any other. And while I figure you'd say you're mystified by women, I actually think it's these thoughts -- and your behaving and thinking as if they were factual and sound, when, in fact, they are so very not -- that have you so mystified, too.

Like I said earlier, if you swap "women" in things you have said here for "man," I think it'd be pretty clear to you that these frameworks and ideas just aren't sensible or sound for any group made of billions who are massively diverse, and whose gender is only one of many parts of who they are, you know?

[Heather]

Also, before we talk any further about any of this, if you really are the dude with all the handouts of everything, I'll have you know I take it quite personally you didn't give me my handouts.

(I jest, truly. This is rough, big, hard stuff, so just trying to keep some measure of lightness intact.)

[Keda]

I wanted to say this a while ago, but held off until Heather was happy to keep talking. I think it's probably true that a lot of the negativity you're talking about in interactions with women has come from your perception and what you focus on (big time depression thing, that). But when you do come across people who treat you badly for your sexual history or decisions - you can know instantly that those people aren't worth your time. Like Heather says, there are billions of people - of all sorts of genders - in the world; every person is different, every person you meet is a potential friend or partner, and actually, being able to quickly identify "That person is not gonna make me happy to be around them", is a useful thing when you're feeling like you don't have much energy to put into interactions that aren't going anywhere good. I know that might read as a bit hopeless to you - especially if your primary social setting is school, which is a crazy artificial environment where you're stuck with the same group of people for far longer than you're likely to be anywhere else in the world - but it really is a positive thing in my experience.

Also, going way way back to your first post: I hope you know that you don't ever need to feel bad for not being aroused with someone, no matter how attractive they are. Arousal is much more about your own emotional and mental state, influenced by things like how comfortable you feel, whether or not you're looking forward to sex, whether or not you feel good about being intimate with a person, and a whole bunch of other things. When all that's not there, you could be naked in bed with your fantasy person and things still wouldn't go great.

[MartinSmartin]

Heather thank you so much for replying. And such a long reply too. Thank you. I'm glad I finally decided to write about this crazy thing in my head. It's very hard to talk about and I'm glad I have someone to talk to. I have an appointment with a childhood trauma specialist this Tuesday been seeing her for about a year now. And yep if I feel anything suicidal I will not act on it, that isn't what I want at all, its just overwhelming sometimes. Its good to let things out without horrendous judgement, rejection and ridicule, that's been the hard part.
I read and reread what you wrote, thanks I think its going to untangle somethings I was taught at a very young age that haunt me.
So if I could then ask about the virginity construct, sounds like the matrix.

Do you think there are some women to whom it wouldnt matter if I were a virgin? And honestly do you know any? My mind goes like this, 'yea you will meet that special person who blah blah blah someday" But is that a real thing or just something people say to be nice? And do you think women are really not that harsh and judgmental about that? My mind "I have read posts where guys who are virgins ask the same thing and TONS of women write in and basically ridicule them to the ground" So that is where fear comes from. But then I have gone out on a few dates where most women treated me nice, in fact they treated me nicer than guys have treated them. So what is my problem then? Trauma from the past I guess. I dunno.
You know, maybe the way I was shown the world is bs. I'm going to re read what you wrote and reply more later. Its going to take a little bit to process.
Haha that is funny about taking it personally about not getting any hand outs. That was nice of you to joke at the end to keep it light.
Thank you. -Martin

[MartinSmartin]

Keda thanks for replying too.
"People treating me badly aren't worth my time" That is something believe it or not I haven't much thought of until now. As I mentioned to Heather in above post, I have been seeing a child abuse trauma specialist for about a year. One thing she tells me is that kids who are badly abused hang on to their parents for dear life and try to please them in order to survive. The parent abuses the kid, the kid eats it up and becomes the abuse and tries to win over the parent which just feeds the cycle until the kid starts to malfunction. For me that was probably around kindergarten. Then the weight started coming. Hard to go back and rethink those things. Its weird, kinda like since theres no parent abuse anymore, theres some automatic part thats trying to latch on to the world in a way the abused kid in me sees it. So people treating me badly is what the abused kid is used to and comfortable with. So I have a friend that treats me like crap most of the time and I don't think I will talk to her again. Or at least I don't have to put up with bs. Yet I kinda feel guilty about that. Loyalty is what my therapist says. Loyalty to the wrong people. Im going to have to respond to the rest of what you said later. Getting overwhelmed. Thank you again.

[Heather]

Hey, Martin: sorry to be slow getting back to you, I am out of town this week and was not available all weekend.

In terms of virginity, here's my spiel: virginity isn't a thing outside of it being an idea that some people have, and sometimes that is individual, other times it's cultural. And mostly, it's usually about women, not men. In other words, both historically and currently, who is and isn't a virgin is something where that mattered to people most with women. Women, historically, have been done physical harm (abuse, assault), been kicked out of houses, left homeless, the works because of not being virgins in certain communities or families.

But that isn't to say that some men don't also experience negative impacts from that construct. It's just very unlikely that those impacts are going to be things like sexual or physical assault or being disowned by families.

Since we're being pretty candid with each other, so I feel like I'm not pushing any boundaries here, I'll go ahead and tell you that even just speaking for myself as someone who generally identifies as a woman, I have had partners who, in their twenties and thirties, where I was their first partner. Men and women alike, and no, it was never an issue. In fact, I'll say that for myself, unless someone's sexual history involved them abusing or assaulting someone else, it's hard for me to imagine that someone's sexual history -- including an utter lack of one -- would matter much to me.

But you know, everyone is different with this, and some people have preferences with a partner's sexual history, whether those preferences be that they have not had what they consider "too many" parters or what they consider too few. But personally, I'd say that if and when we encounter potential partners who seem super hung-up on that stuff, that's often a good cue they have their own issues they're grappling with, and probably aren't the best choice of partners for us, if you follow.

But yes: I swear, I'm not a unicorn. There are plenty of people who aren't going to care about this stuff. I'm still not sure I have a clear picture of your experiences with this, and how many people you have dated, and thus, had as potential partners, and who have been jerks about it. It'd be helpful to know, just so I can have a sense of if what we're working with here are worries about IDEAS of how women will react -- which may or may not be founded in reality, but just in fears or ib internet hearsay -- or if there has been a long history of actual women being actual jerks to you in person. If it's the latter, then it seems like it'd probably be a good use of our time to maybe see if we can't troubleshoot how and where you're meeting people to see if we can't hack that a bit so you start meeting different people who are NOT likely to be jerky in this department.

I'd also add something here you probably already know yourself, or your therapist may have told you, which is that when we grow up with abuse, it often becomes normalized, so people develop the expectation -- based on their experiences with abuse -- that people will harm them. That's hardly illogical, obviously, when that's been part of your life experience since childhood, but it also isn't often realistic. In other words, most people in the world, we know, are not abusive to others. People who are abusive -- or just flat out mean -- are the minority, not the majority. But, of course, it can take some real time and work to develop that trust and faith, and it is understandably challenging when you grew up with a pattern of having your trust betrayed, especially when it's within your family, from people we are all taught we should be able to trust the most.

[MartinSmartin]

Hi Heather. Thanks for replying as always. Hope you were able to do something fun over the week end.
Sorry its taken me so long. Been processing a lot of things and its a very hard thing to do.
Im very grateful to you for taking the time to talk to me. I can see yes that most people are decent and not abusive. And yep I do know that people who are abused take their expectations from that and try to match it up later in life. I do not want that. The rational pert of me knows that. But then the hurt part is having trouble with it and it just doesn't feel right that someone out there could actually like me and care about me. I guess its scary to think that I could actually be liked by someone who is nice and decent. In the past many times when I've been open, especially as a kid, I got hurt. Yep trust is a big one with me. Fear of ridicule, criticism, humiliation, being judged and them physically beat up. And most of that has come from family. And then there's a ton of negative religious fear Ive been brought up with. That, I'm learning to deal with. And also tons of anger, resentment, and loss. Betrayed is a good word. Yep that happened.
So you know, despite abuse, having been dealt with so much I know what it feels like and Im the last person to continue that. I know some people just continue the cycle. A long time ago I decided that wasn't going to be me. Abuse I've never been sexual abused physically, but maybe mentally I have. At least in the way of being made to fear sex and people. I was just thinking now maybe I should go to some sexual support groups. Only I would be coming at it from the opposite way, lack of it, instead of addiction.
So my history. When I was 17 I did have a girlfriend who was very awesome. I learned a lot about life from her. We remained friends for a long time after dating and she even invited me to her wedding. She never wanted to have sex and I didn't force it, I could have but I cared about her and would have felt bad if I had forced/tricked her in someway. I didnt beg or get mad ether, I was real dissapointed yea lol. But I figured it was half her choice so I had to live with it.
I had lost weight then and while I wasn't too fat, I never felt right. Funny thing is thinking back when I started to know her I was fat, lost weight and I can't recall her really saying one thing or another. Im sure it didnt bother her any I had lost weight tho.
A few years a later at jr college I was friends with a girl who I invited over to listen to cds. Suddenly she initiated sex. I was shocked. I did not expect it. I was overweigh then and I dont really know why, but I could not do it. She did not kow I was a virgin and did not laugh that I could not do it. I think she may have thought I wasnt man enough, but did not show it much. Sad thing is that was all in my head. I realize that now. Its good to be able to talk about this kinda stuff. I figured out later she was just using sex to get closure on her boyfriend. I kinda took it personal but not.
Man this is hard to write. So much time and so much loss.
So a few years later I decided to lose weight. Was at 343, probably higher, never weighed myself until I went to see a doctor and was already kinda dieting.
I've lost about 120 pounds, probably 30 to go.
I started to go on dates. In the last year Ive been on 37 different dates. I counted them. Almost all were just one date. A couple I never heard from again, but most I did not want to go on a second date. I think they would have liked to. I was scared. Almost all of the dates were nice. Only a couple wackos. Funny thing is most liked me. One was a second date and she kissed me at the end of the dates. I got scared and bailed. One date, which I really really regret, she was awesome, wanted me to kiss her, I froze in fear, never heard from her again. I did then go out with someone for about 3 weeks and she was really awesome too. She had some problems like anyone else and a couple big ones that I could have dealt with, but then I was all twisted up in fear. In many ways she was all scrwed up too. Her past relationship problems added to my fear/anxiety. I could not do it again. She was understanding and even helpful. She did not know I was a virgin. I felt really inferior and I still havent understood it all. She was a little on the angry side, but not abusive. I blame myself, I got paralyed and bailed. And very depressed over it. It could have been so sweet. But then everything was so rushed too. I think im the better for it in many ways. And yet I do feel very hopeless and worthless sometimes.
I was talking to a friend tonight and she asked me, what do you want in life. Yea a better job, money junk like that, but to do fun things with and people to hang out with, but really the most, very hard for me to write this because of fear and feeling ashamed, but I'd like to meet someone I could fall in love with and have her fall in love with me. Pretty dumb I guess. Is that so horrible tho?
So preferences in sexual history. Next time I meet someone, how do I explain all that? And to someone who isnt all scrwed up and has actually had a choice in sexual history and who isnt all jack up like me, how can I ever compare to that? Its a huge emptiness that I feel. I feel so cut off.
Yep I do see things from the other way around now, like you were saying switch men for women, but somehow that makes it even more depressing.
Anyhow, I'm getting overloaded got to go. Thanks again for writing to me.

[Keda]

May I ask, with the dates, what was it you were scared/anxious about that made you freeze up?

There's absolutely nothing wrong or horrible in wanting to find a romantic partner. All the things romantic relationships can provide - love, intimacy, support and so on - can be really positive things, which are definitely worthwhile things to want in life. Have you been able to work out why you feel that you shouldn't want romance?

[Heather]

Martin: today is pretty packed for me, and I very much want to give your incredibly honest (and obviously tough) response the kind of attention it deserves. So, hopefully you're okay with waiting until the end of the day or possibly tomorrow.

That was a big deal, btw, to share all of that with someone, anyone, and I recognize the trust and faith that kind of sharing asks of a person. We'll be sure to honor that.

[Heather]

Thanks for being patient with me, and again, cheers for your courage.

So, what I am NOT hearing in here, that I expected to, honestly, was anything in terms of any abuse or even poor treatment from anyone you have dated. Given how you were talking about women, the group I presume you date, I thought some of that might have been coming fro. Somewhere in your dating history, but unless I am missing something, I am not seeing it.

What I am seeing sounds like what you yourself are observing, which is that these thoughts and ideas are coming from you. May e stuff in your family and childhood, too, but not from women you have dated. It even sounds like your first rimantic relationship was lovely.

So, it sounds to me here, like your big barrier are your own fears and lack of confidence in yourself. Given how many years you have been struggling with this, what do you think you need at this point to shake some of these fears off - or at least give people the benefit of the doubt - and feel more confident? What do you think might help you approach this part of life in a way where you figure that evenif you have these thoughts and fears, it is entirely likely they are largely unfounded?

Because this is probably the big conundrum. If we walk in having no faith in others or ourselves right at the start of things...well, things won't start. Nothing good, anyway.

[Casey]

Just to show Heather is NOT a unicorn, I've also had partners in their 20s and 30s who had no partnered sex before me, and it didn't matter to me. I just figured everyone is different. To me this issue wasn't much different than how some guys had never tried tofu before I shared it with them - I was a little surprised, and that's it. Anyone who would ridicule you over that wouldn't be a good sex partner, anyway, trust me! (Just like being mean to someone over food wouldn't make for a good dinner partner!)

The thing is, from what you're describing here, I don't think having sex would solve any of your problems. Self-esteem issues, and ideas about women being some kind of monolith, can be noticeable by others, and are likely to make people not as excited about being intimate with you. As a child abuse survivor, myself, I know the self-esteem thing is a huge deal. I recommend working with your therapist on gaining some esteem and love for yourself, I think that would help you more than anything external like dating or sex.

[Heather]

(Wah, I'm not a unicorn. Can I maybe be a centaur, at least? Actually, Martin, since you're a dude who gives the women all the things, maybe you can make me a centaur. )

[MartinSmartin]

Hi Keda, Thanks for replying again. Hope you had a great Christmas.
I just want to say that being able to talk in this forum has been so helpful. Thank you, all of you.
Not measuring up is what made me anxious and scared. Them finding out how little I know.
Why I shouldn't want romance, growing up that was something that was always frowned on and made fun of in my family. "bad people do that" is the message we all got as kids. And then the religious part too. Really messed up ideas. When I had my first gf I was ridiculed and made to feel ashamed. Mom actually encouraged me to cheat on her. I did not. I feel sometimes the family, including extended family really ripped me up about that. Guilty of wanting to care about someone other than them. "Only horrible selfish people (who are whores) want to have girlfriends and even worse sex". That was hard to write. Really tears my guts out to write that. All lies. My sister complains about that all the time, we were raised on lies.

[MartinSmartin]

Hi Heather. Hope you had a great Christmas too. And thanks. Yep it was hard to post that. Thank you for honoring that and thanks for replying as always.
Sorry its taken me so long to post. Holidays and processing everything takes me some time, but thank you so much.
You're right. Most of the women I've been on dates have been very nice. A couple were kinda wacky and a couple maybe a little short but nothing abusive or at least that would be close to that. My rant about women is really hurt from childhood and all the missed opportunities, life, and loss. Its a very hard thing to take. Its something that very few people I know understand. It is such a great pain and huge loss. Hard to put it into words. So much resentment, anger, jealousy, sadness and isolation. Such a shame. I don't really listen to critics or abusers anymore. The abuse was bad growing up, traumatic.
I'm getting a handle on it now, with therapy, I see a childhood abuse therapist, and now talking on here, which for me is a big deal. Maybe not to some a big deal, but I don't care it means a lot to me to talk on here. Growing up I never really got to be myself without paying for it for the most part. And a constant reminder that I'm not ok the way I am. A constant stream of criticism. If I was happy or excited about something, for the most part = ridicule. Basically what I felt was wrong and not good enough. Even having a difference of opinion on some basketball team meant a physical beating. Or standing up to the parents abuse meant more abuse. So I learned not to trust people and be passive and afraid to show myself to people for the fear of being hurt and ridiculed. And then impressing dates to measure up to some imaginary standard which I believed was unreachable in the first place then blaming myself and women for it. What a head trip huh? I think asking questions and talking to people and letting my guts pour out is that way through for me. Yep I realize I'm not afraid of sex. In fact I think it would be cool. Hard to write that. More its the fear of being judged or letting someone in that may really hurt me. Its weird, I used to see people coming from a place of malice, but I can see both sides now. Could it be that many people actually care about people? Rationally I know this is true. Emotionally I hope to see it more also.
Largely unfounded. Yep

[MartinSmartin]

Hi Casey Thanks for replying.
Can you explain what you mean by monolith?
I'm going to have to think about the rest of your post before replying. Thank you tho.