Best friend troubles

[afrayedknot]

Hi everyone,

So I've been online friends with this girl for about two years now, since I was 11(we're 14 now). Shes my best friend and I haven't ever felt anything for her other than platonic love but recently, around the begining of this year, I've started to really like her as more than that. But for one, I don't know how to tell her because I don't want our friendship to go awry if she either doesnt like me or we do end up dating but it doesn't work out. Another reason is because I would like to tell her without a screen between us--so when we meet up irl. But that's going to be a while and I dont want to miss my chance. I also have a lot of gender dysphoria and body issues so I just think she'd be disgusted being with me. How do I find out if she likes me back? Any advice?

[Mo]

Hi there afrayedknot, and welcome to Scarleteen.
The tricky thing about trying to figure out someone's feelings for you is that there really is only one way to know, and that's to ask. Asking can feel like such a risky and vulnerable thing, though, and I can understand why it's intimidating. I think it's okay to wait until a time that feels more comfortable to you to tell her the full extent of how you feel; it sounds like doing so in person is what feels best to you. But there may be space for a smaller or first-step conversation where you tell her how much her friendship has meant to you, how you've been feeling closer to her and really valuing specific things about her. etc. Sometimes it can feel good just to let someone know you're having those strong feelings about them.
You mentioned meeting in person; is that something you have a specific plan for, at this point?

[afrayedknot]

Yeah I tend to not hold back on letting her know how much I care for her (without going past the line of friendship of course) but she does have some uncomfortability with talking about feelings so I try not to overwhelm her when it does come up. And yes, we plan to meet either in two years or the summer after graduation. We haven't worked out the specifics yet but we do plan on it.

[Sam W]

Hi afrayedknot,

It's awesome that you're telling her how much she means to you while still trying to be sensitive to her comfort levels when it comes to talking about feelings.

Since it sounds like meeting in person is a few years off, are you feeling like you can wait that long to tell her how you feel? Or does the idea of not telling her for that long feel really stressful?

[afrayedknot]

I don't mind waiting to tell her if I have to. I'm not in any particular rush to start dating her or anything, her being my best friend takes priority over that. I'm just worried that like I said before, if I wait too long I might miss my chance and she might be with some one else.

[afrayedknot]

It's only stressful because I don't want to miss my chance to tell her that I like her and have her end up liking some one else. I don't particularly mind staying as her friend, because I was her friend first and for me that takes priority. But I don't want to always have that feeling that it COULD have been something.

[Siân]

There is always a chance that someone we like will be interested in someone else, and it certainly isn't fun to think about. I would suggest though that if you're main reason for being in the friendship is that you're "waiting" to date this person, that isn't really fair on either of you. Prioritising your friendship does sound like a great move, provided it feels good and fulfilling to you all on its own. If, on the other hand, you feel like what you really want isn't simply a friendship, you could talk to her in a way that raises some of what you've been feeling without any pressure for her to reciprocate or change the relationship you have if she doesn't feel the same. What do you think?

It might help to think about the fact that it's possible your feelings will also change in the time before you meet up irl, and that you may meet other people you like and are interested in in the meantime. Does that change how you feel about raising this with her now?

[afrayedknot]

No no, I'm not in a friendship with her just because I'm waiting to date her or anything. I genuinely enjoy talking to her, whether we're romantically involved or not. I don't think that my feelings will shake, I've tried already. I did want to tell her but I just found out today that she's started talking to a crush of hers, and from what I hear he sounds like he likes her back. So I'm just going to back off for now. I'm sorry for wasting your time

At least now I have some advice for when it's the right time though, so thank you.

[Siân]

You're not wasting our time! We're happy to be here and listen or talk through things whenever.

It must be tough to hear about your friend and her crush. I'm glad that you feel like the friendship is something you value in it's own right though. Did you want to talk through anything more?

[afrayedknot]

No I'm okay for now. Thanks for listening.

[Siân]

You're welcome