Ex boyfriend threat

[Regina]

Hi all...
I am a 25 year old woman from India, I was in a relationship with a man for 3 years but we never had sexual intercourse. But we did kiss. During the course of our relationship I stayed overnight at his house for a couple of times.
He works with me. We broke up a year back. He didn't take it too well. He started threatening me that he will tell my parents about us being intimate and he did tell them. It took a toll in my personal relationships with my parents.
I started dating another man couple of months back. My ex contacted him and drove him away by demoralizing me.
These things happened 2 months back.I reported him at work and he got a restraining order from my boss to not interact with me at all.
Amidst all these things, he told me that he had sex with me while I was asleep during the stays in his house.
I have recorded our conversation. I asked him several times and he kept repeating the same thing. I know that it's not possible to have sex with me when I am asleep because I have never been sexually active before and I would have woken up. But after he told this , I am not able to get it out of my mind. I ve been thinking of possibilities like what if he had spiked my food or drink and had sex with me.
I consulted my gynaecologist. She told that my hymen is intact. But she cant say whether he had sexually assaulted me.
Now the thing is he is very manipulative and a very good liar. He had threatened me by saying he had sleeping pills to commit suicide but the doctor didn't find any trace of it. So I think he lied about this thing just to mess with my mind.
I don't know what to do. I can't take this thing out of my mind. I feel guilt, shame and anger all at the same time. It's like I have lost myself. I am not able to concentrate on anything, not able to sleep.
Is there any way for me to know that he is lying? I am not in peace with myself. Sometimes I even feel like slapping him in front of my colleagues. Please help me.

[Siân]

Hi Regina,

Welcome to the boards.

I'm so, so, sorry that your ex is treating you this way and manipulating you like this.

We can't tell you for certain whether what he said is true - there is no way of telling by looking at or examining a person whether they have been sexually active before. From what you've said though, I do think it's unlikely that he raped you in your sleep, since you'd have to be asleep very deeply indeed to not be aware of being assaulted, whether you'd ever had intercourse before or not. Plus you've pointed out that he has a pattern of lying and manipulation.

I can say that if it was true, then he would be admiting to a serious crime - when one person is asleep they're not consenting and that's not sex, that's rape. It doesn't matter if you were his girlfriend, or were sleeping in his bed, he wouldn't be entitled to do that to you.

I'm not surprised that you're angry; even though it seems unlikely that he did rape you, the fact that he's talking about it and planting the thought in your head is a kind of threat designed to control you and make you feel unsafe. I'm angry too.

I also understand the shame and the guilt, but please believe me when I say you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed of, he is very firmly in the wrong here.

Do you have any ideas about what you'd like to do now? How is the restraining order at work going? Are you able to avoid him? What about the recording, is there anyone you want to share it with?

[Heather]

Just to make sure you know, you absolutely have legal recourse with this, particularly since he continues to harrass you at work: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_Ha ... _Act,_2013. If he isn't abiding by that order, I would absolutely tell your boss immediately. If you need legal help, this resource looks like a good place to start: https://hrln.org/contact-us

What a monster, Regina. I am so sorry you have had to suffer for so many years because of this man.

If it helps, I would say that it's hard to imagine he'd tell you he raped you if he was NOT lying, because you'd then be able to report him for sexual assault on top of harassment. I agree with all of what Siân said: it seems very clear to me he's fabricated this as a way to emotionally torment you. But by all means, I'd keep those recordings and share them with any legal help you might get. Who knows, maybe they'll call his bluff by going ahead and adding those charges to any legal action they help you take against him and he'll have to fess up to lying if he wants to protect himself from those legal charges.

[Regina]

If I have to file charges against him, My parents will come to know about it and I don't want to hurt them anymore. Pre marital sex is a frowned upon thing in my place and it will only lead to more complications in my relationship with my parents.
My ex had been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't know what extremes he will go if I get him terminated by reporting this in my workplace harassment board.
Is there anyway I can handle this without losing my peace? If I know he is lying I will be at peace.
We have been strictly told not to interact with each other. But shall I ask him again by breaking the rule and telling him that I can file charges against him if he doesn't tell the truth.

[Heather]

I absolutely understand. What you might do is still talk to legal help and ask them to tell you what you can do *without* filing charges. That particular resource I gave you is very focused on human rights and cultural issues, so they'll certainly understand your concerns.

Your ex having a personality disorder doesn't make him any more (or less) dangerous to you. People with mental illnesses aren't all the same, and that may well have little or nothing to even do with how he has been treating you. I also can understand you feeling scared: after all, this person has been systematically harassing you. However, we already know he's not safe for you at work. And you would not be who terminated him, your boss would. This is something else I'd encourage you to discuss with a legal advocate who understands your concerns, and can let you know all of your options, including for your safety no matter what you decide to do.

I would NOT go and talk to him yourself. Not only does you breaking the rule weaken the rule, which you certainly don't want, it can make it look like you are the one not respecting the rules. I think it's very important you follow the rules set at work. Instead, I would contact an advocate who can do any communicating of this for you, which is more intimidating to him, anyway. Okay?

[Heather]

Regina: I've asked a partner of ours in India for any additional advocacy/legal resources there might be for you that we don't know about. Do you mind sharing what city you're in with us? They've asked to try and find you the most accessible help.

[Regina]

Regina: I've asked a partner of ours in India for any additional advocacy/legal resources there might be for you that we don't know about. Do you mind sharing what city you're in with us? They've asked to try and find you the most accessible help.

I live in Bangalore

[Heather]

Thanks, will pass it on and get back to you when I hear back from them.

[Heather]

Regina: I heard back (the organization I asked was the wonderful Agents of Ishq, btw, if you want to look into some great sex education content from India), and they suggested you get in touch with someone at the Alternative Law Forum. This is their information: http://altlawforum.org/ They said if this is something they feel they can't address, they will direct you to the right resources.

[Regina]

Hi,
I have sent mail to that organisation. They are yet to reply. I sought the help of my lawyer friend, he contacted my ex boyfriend showing him the recording and told that we can press charges for rape.
I thought he will admit his bluff. But he still repeated the same thing and this time he told that I cooperated in my sleep and he had told about the incident the next day itself but that I had ignored him. He told he did it with mutual consent. He is twisting his words now. What do I do?

[Sam W]

Hi Regina,

I'm so sorry that he is not only continuing to harass you, but now attempting to twist his story in such an awful way (so you know, someone who is sleeping cannot "cooperate" in terms of sex unless they actually wake up). After he reacted this way, did you and your lawyer friend discuss what to do next? And if you haven't yet followed up with that organization, I would go ahead and do so. You're going through something incredibly tough and scary, and you deserve as much support as you can get.

Speaking of supports, are there other people in your life, like friends, who you've told what's going on and who are on your side in the whole thing?

I also want to check in on the situation at work. Is he continuing to try and talk to you there? And did you end up talking to anyone about steps you could talk about the fact that he, on at least one occasion, broke the rule in place to keep him away from you?

[Regina]

I have told my parents regarding this. They have asked me to not raise any complaints in office as well as outside, because my name will get involved and it will go public, may also lead to me losing my job.
I am still not able to digest the fact that he is not bluffing but telling the truth. I have taken a week away from work. I have told my boss regarding this, he asked me to complain in office harassment board. But I have stalled everything because my parents are asking me not to take any drastic measures. He isn't harassing me now. But the words that he told that time is haunting me a lot.
My parents also told that since I consented sleeping in his bed, it is weakening the case. In our place still people don't know what is consent and what is not. I lost my will to do anything, feeling depressed and my self worth has gone for a toss.

Last night I snapped and messaged him saying that I will go to the police if he didn't tell the truth. He still repeated the same thing again and again, that it was consensual.

[Sam W]

While it sounds like your parents are operating from a place of concern, I'm so sorry that doing so is leading them to tell you not to seek repercussions for him. It does sound like your boss may be encouraging you to report him. And that's a lot of conflicting inputs. So, I think the biggest question is: what do you (not your parents, not your boss, not anyone else) want to do about it right now?

I do want to clarify that I think he's still likely lying, not only about you consenting but about having sex with you at all. As was pointed out earlier, you'd have to be in a very deep sleep (and a very sound sleeper) not to be woken up by intercourse (and, while it sounds like you already know it's nonsense, I want to state for the record that sleeping in someone's bed is not even remotely close to consent to sex). That, combined with the fact that he has a history of lying to you in order to emotionally torment you, makes him lying now the most likely option.

That being said, you still deserve whatever supports you can get right now. Have you thought at all about getting in touch with a resource for survivors of abusive relationships?

How do you feel about deleting or blocking most of his contact information? That way, he'll have a harder time getting a hold of you, and you won't be able to message him (it sounds like he's baiting you into a position where he can say that you're the one not leaving him alone).

[Regina]

About the possibility of him assaulting me, You didn't comment on drugging or spiking my food. In that case I would not have woken up right? I also think may be he is covering up the fact that he drugged me and says that I cooperated.
As far as my sleeping pattern is concerned I sleep late night but once I go to sleep I am a very heavy sleeper. So that is also adding on to my doubts.
There was one incident during our stay in a hotel room where I saw some dried blood stains. It might or might not have been there before. But when I asked him he told that it was unwashed sheets so we asked the hotel staff to change it. Now he is linking that incident to the fact that he had sex with me. At first I didn't believe but after his attention to details I am doubting myself now.
I am in a very bad place. I am not able to take any actions against him but I want to. I have lost faith in life altogether. Gone into severe depression.
Yes I have stopped all contacts with him.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry that his actions, and the lack of other people supporting you in trying to address them, is leaving you in such a low place. Have you reached out to someone like a counselor or helpline? If not, would you like some help finding those resources? And, because feelings of depression or hopelessness can sometimes lead to thoughts of self-harm, can I ask if you've had any thoughts of hurting yourself?

If you could snap your fingers and take any action you wanted to against him, what would you do?

I can't say for certain what happened, since I wasn't there. I will say that if he used a drug, you likely would have felt confused, hung over, or unable to recall chunks of the night before. Do you recall feeling that way the next day? I'd honestly take anything he tells you, or anything he insists is true, with a high does of skepticism: he wants to hurt you by saying these things to you, which means he will likely say anything he can if he thinks it will keep you convinced about his version of events.

[Regina]

I feel like commiting suicide when I am overwhelmed by emotions. I can't control my tears. I feel I am inferior to others. I am not able to move on from this.
If I ever had the chance to do something I will thrash him until he tells the truth and if indeed what he said was true I will thrash him to death.
I don't remember everyday I was with him but as far as I know I didn't feel anything odd. It can also be because I trusted him.

[Sam W]

Intense emotions like that are completely understandable, and I'm so, so sorry you're feeling so low. If you've been thinking about suicide or hurting yourself, then we need to connect you to a crisis resource. You deserve to be safe and supported, and getting to a resource of that kind is the way to do that. After you read my response, can you call this resource and talk to someone? http://befriendersindia.net/

We can talk more soon about how to deal with your ex, and what steps you might be able to take to get some kind of justice in this situation (that anger you feel at him is completely understandable, but not the most realistic or advisable option). But right now, the priority is your safety and wellbeing.

[Regina]

Hi...I talked to the crisis hotline. Thanks.
Can we talk about my ex situation?

[Mo]

I'm glad you were able to reach out to the crisis hotline, and I hope whoever you spoke with there was helpful.
We can definitely talk about next steps in dealing with your ex and this horrible situation he's created. Has he stopped contacting you at this point, or is he still attempting to?

[Regina]

He has stopped contacting me. My parents are acting out. They are calling me by names, crying for reopening it. They are calling me selfish.

[Jacob]

I'm sorry your parents are being so unsupportive!

There's nothing wrong with caring for yourself. It's not selfish to simply attempt to recover from the way your 'self' has been hurt by a terrible man.

Have you had any chance to sit down and speak with your parents and talk about their concerns? I understand they might not come around but they might also surprise you.

Do you have anyone who is more supportive?

[Regina]

My mom said that I am a prostitute and my dad didn't deny it. I know that they are acting out of anger. But now I think I should not have told them.
There is no-one who understands this. They are just asking me to stop reopening it and mind my business. They even started talking about marriage. I don't think I am in the right mind to even talk to them about this again. I don't know how to feel. I feel numb.
They are concerned about my safety and the family name. I know my ex is a lunatic. But I don't know what to do.

[Mo]

I'm so sorry that this has been their response. It sounds like they're directing your anger at you, which is cruel and unfair. You haven't done anything wrong here, but I do think this has shown that they may not be safe people to discuss this sort of thing with in the future, sadly. Are you able to take a little space from them for now, or ask them to stop discussing this issue with you?

[Jacob]

At this point I don't think it's your responsibility to do anything more.

It wasn't wrong to tell them. They could have chosen to support you and listen to you (they still might), but it's on them that they let you down.

If you can say "I did the right thing", "He hurt me" I think this will help you. I would keep speaking to anyone you can, whether it's us or befrienders to remind yourself that none of this is your fault.