Coming Out

[lovelylavender]

I am bisexual and I'm currently out to only two people. My cousin who is also bisexual, and my friend who is also bisexual. I want to come out to my parents but I'm not really sure when is a good time. My mom believes that kids my age (14) don't really know much about what we feel and I won't know until I've dated/done things with the opposite/same gender. I'm not really sure how my dad would take it but I think he wouldn't really think too much about it because even now he says things "Your boyfriend or girlfriend in the future." where as my mom always refers to boys only. I'm just not sure if I should come out or not and if so then how?

[Sam W]

Hi LovelyLavender,

It sounds like you have some sense of how your parents might react, just based on how they talk about things. I agree that if your dad has always taken care to not assume what gender you'll date in the future, odds are good he won't be bothered by you being bi (and may even be supportive). It sounds like your mom believes some common misconceptions about age and sexual orientation (which we can talk about how to mythbust if you decide to come out to her). Do those translate to her being unsupportive of LGBT people in other ways?

When thinking about coming out, it can help to think about what you hope to gain (for lack of a better word) by it and compare that to what you think the likely outcomes are. That can help you get a sense of what you hope will come of the conversation and how likely that outcome is. Does that make sense?

I think this article might be really helpful for you right now, because it covers how to decide if and when to come out to people, and walks you step by step through that process: Becoming Out: A Totally Non-Exhaustive, Step by Step Guide to Coming Out.

[lovelylavender]

I read the article and it helped me think more on why I want to come out and what I might want to say. My mom does have some common misconceptions with sexual orientation. She doesn't honestly know much about it but she does support it. Both my parents raised me and my brother to not judge people because of it. My mom thought my brother was gay for the longest and didn't think much about it. I've had a talk with her before as well about how to know if you like the same gender and that's how I found out about that she believes that I would have to try doing intimate things with both a girl and boy to know. I was actually trying to hint to her that I was bisexual but that's what I got from it.
When I think about why I wan't to come out it's more I just want to not keep it a secret anymore and I want my family to know instead of feeling like I can't talk to them about it, it can be a bit hard to not want to correct my mom and say both boys and girls instead of just boys. I don't think my mom does it purposely I think she just assumes that I'm straight because when I was younger I only really took interest into boys and she doesn't think twice about it. Where as my dad thinks about it more and says both. My dad has more knowledge on LGBT where as my mom has little knowledge. She doesn't know a lot about what bisexuality is, she really only knows what gay and transgender is so I think that could also be something that makes her have some misconceptions.

[Mo]

It does sound like your mom has some misunderstandings about bisexuality, but it also sounds like it isn't something she's hostile to, which is a good sign.
It may be that if you come out to her she'll try to argue with you, or say you're too young or inexperienced to know your sexual orientation, and if that happens I think your best bet is to let her know that you are the person who is most likely to understand your own feelings and attraction, and to ask her to respect what you've told her about your identity even if she does feel like you can't be certain.
It could even be that you talk to your dad first, and let him know you'd like his support if your mom says or does certain things. Some people like to talk to their parents together, if possible, and others might want to have one-on-one conversations; either way is fine.

If you think it would be helpful (you can read it beforehand to see how you like the information provided there), you could give your mom something like this pdf from PFLAG that has a basic guide for parents when their children come out to them: https://pflag.org/resource/our-children