Jealousy and Self-Esteem Issues

[aprilspring]

My boyfriend tends to say I love you to other girls and that they're cute to make them feel loved and better about themselves. He is doing this without any romantic attraction, but I can not take this jealousy in my chest off. I have communicated this with him but he said that this was only a platonic way of showing his love to his friendships. I don't think that I have mentioned that I was jealous of this to him yet, but I don't know how to communicate this problem because I will just prevent him from showing love and support to his friendships. Should I still communicate with him about this? Or should I fix my self-esteem issues that may have made this jealousy first?

My self-esteem issues started in freshman year when I saw more of my friends dating other people. I wonder if I was too ugly or my personality sucked to the point that no one loved me romantically. This had such a huge impact on my self-esteem that I had extreme anxiety about my looks and my grades were even getting worse than usual. This lasted to junior year when finally a guy asked me out who is my boyfriend today. However, I think that the self-esteem issues are still there because my friend recently got a boyfriend and I felt sad all of a sudden I was confused at these feelings because I have a boyfriend. I don't know how to fix these self-esteem issues and feelings I have been having, so can you also give tips on how to make my self-esteem issues better?

By the way, my boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship right now. He lived two hours from me and as of now, we can't drive to each other places to meet up He is extremely busy right now because he has club activities every weekend, and my parents don't allow me to drive a car yet. The only way we can love each other right now is through texts and Facetime. Maybe that's another factor why I'm jealous? I also feel like we don't have an end goal in this relationship. He is also going to a college soon since he is a senior, so I have no idea if he will ever visit me. I asked when are we ever going to meet each other again, and he said I don't know. I didn't reply to him when he said that. By the way, we have been dating for a month now, and it seems like we already have many issues with each other Please give me as many tips as possible because this is the first relationship I have and I have no idea how to approach these situations. I'll be grateful if you take your time to read this and giving me advice on myself and my relationship. Thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi Aprilspring,

So, as you're learning, even when we think our self-esteem will be improved by finding a partner, at the end of the day a romantic relationship can only do so much to make us feel better. The good news is, there are tons of ways to start developing more positive feelings about yourself! To start out with, since it sounds like some of your worries have to do with your appearance, can you give me a sense of whether you've done any reading on body positivity? And, outside of your romantic relationship, what things in your life make you feel happy or fulfilled? If that question feels tricky, this article might help you out: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment.

With your boyfriend, can I ask how you feel about the relationship overall? Do you generally feel pretty respected and happy in it? And, when you got into it, were you excited to date your boyfriend because of who he is as a person? Or was a big factor in your decision the desire to have a boyfriend, period?

[aprilspring]

I have not done much research on body positivity yet, so I'll try it out Outside of my romantic relationship, I feel happy when I am being weird with my friends, being productive, listening to music, trying out new food, having deep conversations, etc. My relationship overall is pretty well as of now. I feel happy and respected by my boyfriend most of the time, but it's my anxiety that makes this relationship more difficult and hard I don't believe that I'm dating my boyfriend solely to have a partner because I would have asked my previous crushes out already. He is my type after all, so I was happy to date him because of his personality.

[al]

Hi aprilspring,

I just wanted to pop in here really quick and say that it's okay for you to have feelings of jealousy or insecurity sometimes - you're a human being. It makes sense that you might be looking for a little more reassurance and connection if you're unable to spend time with your boyfriend in person, or after getting that "I don't know" response when you asked about when you'd see each other again. Those feelings of jealousy might be letting you know that you're not being treated the way that you like to be treated, or that there are things that need to be communicated and let off of your chest. (Jealously: Making Friends with a Green-Eyed Monster has a lot of great info on how jealousy can be a stand-in for other emotions that we're feeling.)

I thought Sam's suggestion of body positivity was really good - another article I wanted to recommend was The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism. Even though it's specifically geared towards sexual confidence, there are a threads of body confidence and reassurances about being a totally unique and normal human woven throughout.

As someone who grew up an incredibly awkward and insecure teenager, I wanted to share that 10 years later, that fear that everyone else is better than me and thinks I'm weird hasn't totally gone away for me yet. (And it definitely comes up when people do treat me that way.) But over time, it's gotten easier to realize that there are things about me as a person that are unique, and important, and that there are always going to be people out there who appreciate me exactly as I am, quirks and flaws included.
Do you feel like you have any spaces or people in your life where you feel that kind of comfort/confidence? Where you feel like you can be yourself, and people aren't judging but being genuine and supportive? (Maybe some of those friends you mentioned? I love a good friend that I can be weird with.)

[aprilspring]

I have many friends who I can be weird with. I actually have a lot of friends who respect me as a person and give me confidence, but my anxiety is still inside for some reason. By the way, I will update on the jealousy conflict. I told my boyfriend that I was getting paranoid and jealous because he kept on calling girls cute and I love you to them, and he said sorry. However, he still does it. Is this more of my self-esteem and anxiety fault or his fault?

[Sam W]

Hi aprilspring,

It sounds like you've got an awesome friend group! Have you spoken to any of your friends about the jealousy or anxiety you're feeling, even if it's just to have a supportive person to talk to?

It's great that you let your boyfriend know how you've been feeling about this. It's often better to let a partner know how we're feeling rather than try to hide it until comes out all at once. Can I ask, does he tell you about this habit? Or do you know about it because you see him do it?