sex and my feelings on birth control

[LaceyRose]

My belief was that having some kind of birth control was in some way going to make me have sex. I carried a condom with me for maybe a year before I tossed it out as all it was doing was reminding me that I could have sex if I wanted to.
I had sex a few weeks before I turned 16 with a boy that I liked. I had no condom, neither did he, but we were in the moment. next day I bought two boxes of condoms!
That boy/man graduated high school and left for the marines and that was that.
I tossed the few remaining condoms I had as I didn't want to go down that path again. A few months later I was with another boy, became a boyfriend, but he had condoms and we used them. I broke up with him a few months later.
And now just a few weeks ago my former boyfriend was back and had sex, and again no condom was used! I took Plan B, something I never thought I would be doing. I had my period, I am not pregnant, but I had some very long nights of wondering WHAT IF!!!
But what now? I look at birth control as a way of telling myself that it is okay on having sex, I decided on not having or taking birth control, and yet I had sex anyway. I don't want to be a girl that carries condoms on her 24/7 and pills would just make me feel weird, but I must do something for me.

[Sam W]

Hi LaceyRose,

So, it's really sound to have recognized that not having contraception doesn't stop a person from having sex; it just means that any sex that does happen is going to be unprotected, and carry more risks with it.

One of the simplest options, and one you've already dabbled in, is to have a small stash of condoms for when you need it. The presence of condoms alone isn't going to make you have sex, because that's a more deliberate series of choices that happen between you and your partner. The vast majority of people who use condoms don't carry them on them at all times (in part because a condom living in a wallet or a purse long-term isn't a safe way of storing it), it's more that they have them in the place where they're most likely to need them (which is usually their home). Even when people do carry condoms with them for something like a night out, it's not a guarantee they'll be having sex, no more than carrying a compass with you on a hike is a guarantee you'll get lost.

Too, if condoms or the pill don't feel like the right fit to you, there are other forms of birth control that might work. Is there something specific about the pill that weirds you out? Or is it more that same feeling that being on it would make you more likely to have sex?

[Gone.Sorry.]

Hey, LaceyRose -

In addition to what SamW said, it sounds like your feelings about birth control and protective measures are (unsurprisingly) a little conflicted due to some conflicting views regarding sex. I get the idea from your posts that you enjoy having sex in the moment, but the time before and after, you struggle with some shame regarding sex, sexual thoughts, and your libido. Would you say that could be accurate? Would you want to discuss more about your view on sex and your relationship with your own sexuality? It could be helpful and freeing to break down any stigma you have regarding sex, in particular, in your own personal life.

[Heather]

I do also want to add that I think it's pretty vital for women (and anyone else with a uterus) to be a person who carries condoms with them if there is any chance, at all, of engaging in the kinds of sex where STIs or pregnancy are issues. Relying on men to have condoms doesn't work out well so much of the time, in so, so many ways: certainly not well for women, not well for men, either, and not well fort a lot of sexual relationships.

It sounds like you think there's something wrong with being a woman who carries condoms. Can you talk about why you think you feel that way? Why do you think you feel like there's something that isn't ideal about having something with you like condoms that can play a huge part in safeguarding your health and, if you're also using them as birth control, help you decide when and if you want to start a family?

P.S. So long as it's okay with you, it is okay for you to have sex. If it's not okay with you, and you find yourself choosing to be sexual when it isn't, we can absolutely talk with you about that and maybe help you get to a place where you are only ever having sex that is okay about you and that you feel good about.