I'm a transboy but I like dressing feminine. Is this bad?

[tiediedragon]

Hello!

I've had this question on my mind for a long time because I see a lot of corners of the internet and even people in real life judging and making fun of more feminine transboys. I'm a feminine transboy, coming off as super masculine actually makes me feel awful rather than help me feel at peace with myself
Seeing some things people say about it makes me question my gender and it actually makes me freak out. I've heard about toxic masculinity and in fact have seen it but I don't know if this is included in that or not

Does me dressing and acting feminine and liking feminine things mean I'm not a transboy?

Thank you!

[Sam W]

Hi tiediedragon,

The short answer is: nope! Liking to wear "feminine" things or acting in ways that people think are feminine does not make you any less of a guy, trans or otherwise. After all, if a cis guy liked nail polish, or was very "feminine" in his behavior, we wouldn't say it was automatically proof that he wasn't a cis guy. The same is true for trans guys.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you've bumped into people who think otherwise and have decided to be jerks about it. I'm sorry you've encountered those messages. There are people out there who still believe in very narrow gender roles, and think that in order to be trans, you have to align with those roles (toxic masculinity can definitely be a factor in that). That can result in trans guys feeling like they can only act super masculine, and trans women feeling like they can only act super feminine in order for their gender identity to be "real" (that kind of mindset also doesn't leave much room for non-binary people). This article from our trans summer school series does a good job of breaking down why those ideas are nonsense: Trans Summer School: Am I Trans Enough?.

It sounds like you've found that those more feminine elements actually help you feel more comfortable in your own skin. Have you been able to find things like articles or videos by trans guys who have that same experience to help you feel less like an outlier?

[Gone.Sorry.]

Gender expression =/= gender! You can totally be a feminine trans boy, tiediedragon! That's extremely valid!

As Sam W said, a lot of the times trans folk are expected to hyperconform to binary gender standards. It's extremely unfair and incorrect.

There's a piece on Into I think you might really dig: Femme Trans Men On What You Should Know About Gender Expression. It has quotes and experiences from a bunch of feminine trans men on their identity and expression being valid! Might help you feel less alone. <3
Here's are some more articles from a singular perspective: My Existential Crisis as a Femme-Presenting Trans Man and How Navigating Femininity Impacted My Coming Out as a Trans Boy and A Feminine Man Is a Powerful Thing to Be (not trans focused).

I hope the articles are of some peace to you!

[Mo]

If it helps to have a personal anecdote here, I'm a trans guy and pretty strongly femme-identified; I didn't really explore that femme part of my identity until after I'd started medical transition. I know other guys in the same situation, too!
I think there are always going to be people who are rude about people who aren't performing up to some arbitrary standard of what's "appropriate" for their gender, and sadly there are some people who have even stricter "rules" for gendered behavior/presentation for trans people than they do for cis people, but their incorrect opinions are just that: some beliefs that are super inaccurate and unkind.
Liking feminine things doesn't make your gender any less real!