I can’t masturbate

[Teeee]

Hi!
This might sound weird but I can’t bring myself to masturbate. I recently cut back on watching porn but I still find it weird to actually masturbate. I’m not even sure if that’s a problem or not. All I know is I feel weird and probably sexually frustrated but I’m not really sure what to do about it.

[Sam W]

Hi Teeee,

While most people masturbate at some point in their lives, how often a person does is really variable. So, there's nothing inherently weird about not being interested in masturbating. That being said, it sounds like this is making you frustrated, so it's worth digging into a bit.

When you say you can't bring yourself to masturbate, can you tell me more about what that looks like? For instance, is it that touching your body feels weird or unpleasant to you? Or is it more that your brain finds the idea off-putting or uninteresting?

[Teeee]

Hi,

I tried a few years ago and it just felt weird to me, like I was doing something wrong. Like I’m interested in the thought of it but I feel weird to even touch myself like that.

[Siân]

Weird as in you're doing a bad thing? Because there's definitely nothing wrong with masturbating! If it's something that you're interested in doing but shame is holding you back, then it's worth bearing in mind that not only do most people try masturbation at some point - and loads of people do it regularly throughout their lives - it's also a great way to get to know your body, figure out what you like sexually and get a nice endorphin boost.

Of course, that doesn't mean you HAVE to masturbate if it doesn't feel good to you. Going back to Sam's question - is it mostly that you feel like you're doing something you shouldn't? Or something else?

[Teeee]

I always feel like it’s something I shouldn’t do, even though u know it’s not. Like I feel I shouldn’t need to think about it and I shouldn't do it at all. I don’t have any previous experience with it to even know how it feels for me, it just felt like something I shouldn’t do.

[Sam W]

Can you tell me a little more about what kinds of messages you've gotten about masturbation or sex? And when you say you feel like you "shouldn't need to think about it," do you mean masturbation, or do you mean you feel like you shouldn't need to think about sex?

[Teeee]

I feel like I don’t need to think about masturbation because It’s just always been something no one has ever been comfortable explaining to me and a lot of people seem disgusted when it comes up so I’m always scared to bring it up. I just feel like it’s weird doing something no one is even comfortable talking about.

[Heather]

I think it might help to think about a lot of things a lot of people aren't comfortable talking about, but that we still think about -- or if we don't, we probably should: all kinds of bias, for instance, like racism, sexism, homophobia or biphobia, transphobia, xenophobia, ableism, fatphobia, classism, or the inequities all of these biases are based in or powered by. Sex, pretty much full stop: a lot of people aren't comfortable talking about any aspect of sex, not just masturbation. A lot of people are also massively conflict avoidant, and don't want to talk about things like conflict in their relationships, including their families. A lot of people are feelings-avoidant, and don't want to talk about their own or others' feelings.

I'm sorry you have felt scared to talk about masturbation, but know that it's certainly fine to talk about it here, no matter what you decide or want to actually do about it. In other words, even if you don't want to or feel the desire to do it, we can still talk about it.