Not ready for sex

[MuchShy]

Hello,
So lately I’ve been feeling a bit sad about something. I am still quite uncomfortable about sex. I am 17 and female. I refuse to watch sex scenes because I get anxious, and I don’t really like talking about sex. It’s just something that I know I’m a bit scared of. I’m not sure if this is normal. I worry that other teenage girls are all really interested in sex and are ready for it. I’ve also been questioning whether I am asexual, which upset me at first because I just want to be “normal,” and for it to be easy to have a relationship. But I question it because I have such anxiety surrounding sex. It might just be because when I think of it (or even maybe, see a sex scene)
I think “what if you’re not sexual enough? Why aren’t you comfortable with it? No one will be in a relationship with you. You’re not good enough.” And I do think I remember I felt sexually attracted to Captain America (haha). I can definitely say though that I have had crushes all my life on celebrities and a few little ones at school. And I always daydream about having a boyfriend. Love really appeals to me I think. I’m not really sure. But even if I was sexual, I worry if I’m not sexual ‘enough.’ I’m scared that I should want it more than I do. Or that a lot of other girls want it and I’m weird or a ‘late bloomer.’ I just don’t think I’m ready at all.
One other question I had was that in my previous topic I have said that I don’t feel comfortable with oral sex. I worry that after a while, will sex become boring for me and my partner? (when and if I get one, that is.) I feel guilty about that.
I saw that an average amount of times couples have sex is 3 times a week and I though “woah! That seems like a lot.” I thought that it would seem like a lot for me. More adding to the confusion if I am asexual. And the worry that I have a low libido compared to everyone else. I am sort of thinking that I’m not asexual, but again, I don’t know. Is it normal for people at this age to still be scared about sex? Thank you for your help.

[Heather]

Hey there, MuchShy.

I want to let you know a few things first:

1) There is no sexually or romantically or relationship-ally "normal." There is an outrageous amount of diversity among all these things in human beings, not one default way most people are. So, it's normal for someone to have sexual desires for other people. But it's also normal for people -- whether they identify as asexual or not -- *not* to have those desires or to have them, but not want to act on them. "Normal" has never really helped anyone with these things save to make some people get a false sense of security or superiority and for others to feel bad or be stigmatized. I always encourage people to try and let go if the idea of normalcy with this (and most things, tbh).

2) Same goes for being sexual "enough." That, too, is very diverse and completely individual. Sexual "enough" for one person is way too much for another, and not enough for someone else.

3) There are a gazillion ways to be sexual. Not wanting or liking one way -- like oral sex -- doesn't mean sex will be boring. That's like asking if I don't cook with one of the spices in my cabinet, when I have 100 of them, if dinner will be bland, you know? Oral sex is just one way of being sexual of so many, and what makes sex satisfying or not for people isn't usually about if everyone is being sexual in all the ways or not. Instead, it's usually about things like communicating well, everyone being creative and responsive, and people feeling seen and heard and accepted.

4) Those kinds of averages are always problematic. For one, they're usually only about one very small group of people, usually married, straight white people, who also tend to be a class of people who tend to be some of the least honest with things like this, because heteronormativity puts a looooooooot of pressure on people to validate it. Too, bear in mind that a lot of people have sex when they don't even want to, but because they feel obligated to. Those people are usually included in these kinds of figures.

So much of this sounds like you're pretty hung up on figuring out how everyone else is and being like that, or worrying about not being like that. But there truly is no one way, or "average" way, or normal way when it comes to sex and sexuality, so that's a losing game no matter who plays it, you know?

How about we instead focus on who YOU are and what YOU want and don't right now. As far as all of this goes, is sex and sexuality how you want it to be in your life right now? It sounds like it isn't, but mostly that that's about external pressures or pressures you are putting on yourself to be a certain way. Other than that, is sex and sexuality how you want it in your life right now? Sounds like for the time being, it really isn't something you want in your life right now, and that besides struggling with a lack of self-acceptance, it is mostly how you want it right now, which is not to have it as a part of your life. Does that sound about right?

[Heather]

I want to toss you a couple articles, too, that I think you might find affirming and helpful:
• Don't Want To Have Sex?
• https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... dy_for_sex

<3

[MuchShy]

Thank you! I think it's really reassuring to know that there is no "normal" with sex and sexuality and it is very diverse. Sex and sexuality is how I want it in my life right now, which is, it's not really in my life. You've made me feel really comforted, so thank you very much. Just one last question: is it unusual that I don't like watching sex scenes and actively avoid them? It just seems like so many movies and TV shows contain them, so are people ok with watching them? It's annoying because there are multiple movies and shows I'd like to watch but don't because they're too 'sexy.' I just feel a little embarrassed and will my friends think I'm immature? Thank you, again. I am grateful that I have this website to ask questions like this, and I understand sexuality much better!

[Sam W]

Hi MuchShy,

I'm glad you're feeling reassured! As to your question: nope, there's nothing unusual about not liking those scenes or wanting to avoid them. Some people just aren't comfortable watching sex play out on screen (honestly, I work in sex ed, and I still find a lot of on-screen sex scenes awkward or stilted to watch), and that's just as okay as people who do enjoy those scenes. Liking them or not isn't really a sign of maturity; it's just a preference.

[Heather]

I'm so glad you feel better about this, MuchShy. <3

I want to add that if your discomfort about sex feels pretty constant and extreme, there might be something at the bottom of it or around it than just that it isn't something you want in your life right now. That could be something like feeling very pressured around sex in general, or sexual trauma of some kind, sexual shame...a range of things.

If you ever want to try and look more at that with us, we can do that with you. Getting a better sense of what's involved with these feelings might help you better figure out how to process them and cope better with them so that you can not feel so uncomfortable so much of the time.

[MuchShy]

Yes, I do have quite bad anxiety about sex. I think something that puts unnecessary pressure on me is this: I have debilitating anxiety and depression and I can't go to school. I am often spending my days doing not much at all. One thing that is a comfort to me is daydreaming and having an imaginary world in my head. (I'm sorry if this seems really strange) I also have an imaginary boyfriend and in this imaginary world I am a little bit older than I am now. I read fan fiction too. I think I've had this imaginary world for years now. I am also very insecure. I often worry that my imaginary boyfriend (hypothetically) would never be with me because I wouldn't be good enough sexually anyway and he'd leave me (even though he isn't real). And this makes me devastated. I suppose daydreaming is a way I cope and if I can't have it I feel empty. I'm sorry if this seems really weird and I hope it makes sense. I think this is why I'm so worried if I'm not good enough and why I put a lot of pressure on myself to be ok with sex stuff. Argh, I'm not sure if this is making sense. I'm very tired.

[Johanna]

Hi MuchShy,

I don't think it's weird that you have such a vivid imaginary world. In fact, it's super common to have fantasies about things we do not have in our life but might like to have, or just to imagine different ways that our life could be playing out. And having a rich fantasy life can also be a coping skill - and it sounds like that may be some of what it is for you, as you express feeling lonely and anxious a lot.

One thing that strikes me from your post is the idea of being rejected for not being "good" at sex. Because sex really isn't something you can be good or bad at. There are ways that we can have sex that may not be enjoyable, such as struggling to communicate wants and needs clearly, or being with a partner we are not compatible with, for example. But there really is no objective measure for whether sex is good or bad, because it's super different for each person, and often even from day to day.

I'm also wondering if you are getting any support around your anxiety and depression at all?

[MuchShy]

I think what I mean by “good enough” sexually is if I have sex enough or if I do something like oral sex or not (which is something I am uncomfortable with doing), but not really whether I “perform” well enough. But thank you for your answer I am getting help for my anxiety and depression, but I am only slowly making progress. I am comfortable with talking about these things with my counsellor, so it’s good that I can talk to her about it.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're getting mental health support, even if it feels like slow going at times (that's one of those tricky realities of therapy; it can take way longer than expected).

I think those same basic things Johanna said above actually apply to those other worries about being "good enough." Having had sex a certain amount, or being interested in certain types of sex, isn't something that makes someone "good" at sex. If you're thinking in terms of partnered interactions, being into a given activity or having a certain amount of experience is way less important than things like being open in your communication.

Since I know anxiety and depression can also be amplified by everything going on in the world, how are you feeling in general right now?