Not Feeling Anything (Or Very Little) During Sex

[BuddyBoi21]

Alright so despite all the mess going on I'm making the best of the situation.

Conveniently right before this current situation occurring started to get worse I ended up with a very compatible and very casual partner. We really like each other and are very romantically compatible. We know our sitation is temporary because they'll be moving soon.

We're sexually compatible and communicate openly but we both have the issue of not being able to actively get off during sex with one another. This ranges from little to no sexual stimulation to not orgasming at all.

For me it feels like I can't "get hard" I don't feel embarrassed at all really. I just feel so frustrated and almost cheated by my body. I've been horny for months and felt annoyed about not having good sex. Now I finally have someone who not only wants to have sex but also happens to be super caring and nice so we can talk about it openly. I don't even really watch porn anymore since we started seeing each other and I just don't understand why exactly.

I've tried jerking myself off with them, tried to show them how to touch me (they were doing great, I just literally felt little to nothing) and/or rubbing against them without my prosthetic. I'm so upset because I miss that feeling of getting off as much as orgasming and I can't even get that.

I know there's nothing wrong with me and sexuality varies but what can I do about this for myself?

I'm so irritated and it even feels like I've gotten off with people who either weren't the best people for me or people that I had full on unhealthy relationships with.

Please help

[Siân]

Hi Buddyboi,

Yeah, this sounds frustrating. I have a couple of thoughts:

- do you want to have sex with this person? I get that you've been wanting sex in general lately, but are you attracted to this person physically, as well as the emotional feel-good of being on the same page and liking eachother?

- if we are worried or low etc. about anything else that can have a big impact on how sexual we feel. How has your mood been overall lately?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Siân,

So I've given it some thought and this new partner and I have been continuing to have sex. I was struggling because I had to relearn to be comfortable around them since they're a new partner. I like them a lot and I'm really attracted to them it's just the sexual shame relapsed.

As for stress there are a lot of things in my life that are going wrong due to the current pandemic. For starters, I still have to go to work despite people being told to stay home so the events will curve. All of my classes are online and I'm about to drop (another) course which I'm failing. I also don't want my mom meeting this new partner because I don't wanna jinx anything.

I even spotted a bit last week while hanging around this new person in their apartment. So yeah it was probably a mix of stress and shame toward my sexuality.

This person is still struggling to get off. They feel good but they don't reach an orgasm. I'm aware it's never about that aspect of sex and they reassure me that they haven't really learned what they like yet. So really I'm just a bit frustrated with the situation because I want them to know what that feels like with me.

It's something that feel really good that I want to share with them. I hope this makes sense. Stay safe!

[Sam W]

Hi buddyboi,

Those are definitely anxiety producing conditions, especially being someone who still has to got out and work when there's a lot of messaging that's "stay home or we're all going to die." Are you able to find time in your day, or your week, to look after your own mental health?

With this person, you'll need to table sex with them for the time being. Right now, the recommendation is that people only be sexual with a partner they were already living with. Which can suck, especially if you've been having fun with a more casual partner, but right now it's a boundary we have to recommend in order for people to keep themselves and others safe.

The good news is, that gives your partner some time to explore things like orgasm and what brings them pleasure on their own. That way, when you two are able to be sexual again, you may have some new things to try.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Sam,

Just to reassure you this was going on earlier in the month before the progression of the current events. This new person and I are now separated and have been separated since the increasing seriousness of the pandemic.

I've been trying to stay well by focusing on hobbies and passing on the overtime my job is trying to offer the employees. I have virtual therapy tomorrow which will have been at least a week or so later than when I originally was supposed to have my appointment.

This new person and I have been emotionally relying on one another and it's been nice. We've also been very open on past experiences (sexual or not) to communicate our needs to one another. While this has been good and with time my sex drive has shifted toward a more favorable response.

But the last time I saw this person and we had sex they were close to getting off but didn't. They still enjoyed themself but I really wanted to help them get off. I guess considering the circumstances that the trial and error will work itself out later.

[Sam W]

Hi Buddyboi,

Glad to hear you're both staying safe, and that you're able to be supports to each other during this time! And hobbies combined with virtual therapy sound like a great way of looking after yourself while also combating boredom.

And yep, if you two go back to being sexual together in the future, them having had time to explore and experiment with what brings them pleasure, and the two of you being able to communicate about that, is going to be helpful.