My crush

[IAmScared]

ok so my internet crush told me he doesn't want a boyfriend a weak ago but then [...] I asked him can I hug him one day and he said to meet him first.He seemed distant and uninterested but I thought if he got to know me a little better he'd hug me and hold hands with me,after we meet irl,after corona (that's literally all I wanted - a hug and holding hands,cute stuff like that). But after awhile I felt I was done with his cold attitude so I straight up asked him does he find me attractive and he said no. That makes me feel horrible,I really like him,he is cute and fun to talk to.but mostly important - cute. So now I'm sad. But to not that be enough,I believed I was ugly before,then I was like maybe I'm not and now I think I am cause he doesn't find me attractive.

I lost half of my hair due to too much testosterone in blood (I take shots) and now I'm ugly.I also wear glasses which don't really make me look pretty.Guys never want me,only old pervs.

now I hate my crush.for making me feel like this .child-lish-ly I hate him cause he doesn't like me back.

Life sucks.
Also,I have psychosis/schizophrenia - the doctors aren't sure anymore,it could be organic cause of my epilepsy (which I hate,by the way) or could be schizo since I had few symptoms before epilepsy and my grandma and 3 other relatives have schizophrenia.
I hate my schizophrenia,I' m paranoid and delusional about some things, I always feel I am being watched.I also think I'm ugly.And I can't find a boyfriend.[...] I have no friends.I want to jump from the building.Getting my doctor on the phone is hard these days.Very hard. So I'm left with pain.

I hate mental problems,my hair,not having friends,not having a boyfriend, [...] when I'm sober I think about death,write sad poems and falling in the sharp teeth of psychotic disorder,whichever it may be.

[Jacob]

I'm only here briefly and can't give an in depth answer, but I want to say I'm so sad you're feeling this way about yourself right now! Now is an especially hard time for most of us to keep and enjoy positive connections with folks at a long distance, and that can really impact our deeper feelings about being undesirable.

Writing sad poems I think is a really good start and a good way of dealing with painful feelings. Trying to understand our own mental illness can be incredibly confusing and demotivating so the fact that you're doing your best to feel your way though it is realy positve.

Also, just to let you know I have removed references to drug use and/or illegal activity as putting this information out there can put you and us at risk legally, and is against our User Agreement.

I would also say that if you're immediately at risk of suicide you need to turn to the appropriate places for support in that. If the danger feels imminent you'll know that 112 is the national emergency number in Croatia. You can also call Plavi Telefon (http://www.plavi-telefon.hr) on 48 33 888 for support around suicidal thoughts (and many other issues).

[Jacob]

Returning to this thread after speaking to Heather to make sure I'm also settting that firm limit regarding overstepping our user guidelines in your posts.

Again, I'd encourage you to contact Plavi Telefon to talk about suicide and access whatever you can on that front.

I'll be locking this thread and trust you understand the reason.