relationship advice, kind of long, sorry!

[avaiara]

i apologize for how long this is, i guess i rambled a bit but i gave as much information/context as possible.

in the beginning of march, i started talking to this guy. we'll call him sam. it seemed that sam and i clicked as soon as we met, we talked and joked like we had known each other forever.

sam started being extremely flirty with me, and i reciprocated it because i like him and thought that it might end up going somewhere. some days pass, we've been talking every single day and he's texting me good morning, sending me songs to listen to, flirting with/complimenting me, etc.

sam invited me over to his house and cooked me dinner. we watched a movie and hung out, though nothing too crazy happened. he put his hand on my knee when we watched the movie and after he walked me back to my car told me that he had a good time and that he really wanted to see me again, and i agreed. this was when i really started to like sam.

fast forward to coronavirus spreading and us having to be put on lockdown. my place of work closes, as does sam's. i noticed that after this happened, he stopped talking to me less and less. it seemed that i was the one putting the most effort into things, like texting first. if i hadn't reached out, we would've gone days without talking.

i started to get a bit upset and wondered if i had done something wrong, so i spoke to a friend about it and she suggested i come forward with how i felt about him since it had been about a month of us talking (prior to this he had told me he was attracted to me and we exchanged lewd photos).

i told him something along the lines of "i realize that the romantic/dating world is tough right now due to the pandemic, but i just wanted to tell you that i have feelings for you and i wanted to know if we were on the same page" to which he replied: "i am, things are just tough right now". okay. so he's interested too and is just struggling with everything going on, i get that. i felt a bit better after that.

still, though, i notice that he just does not talk to or seem nearly as interested in me as he had before this all started. i'll be left on delivered for nearly the whole day, left on opened on snapchat (i did notice his snapscore go up while he was ignoring me, this isn't something i obsess over however it is something i had noticed). he is very short/dry with me in messages and sometimes just leaves me on read entirely. the other night he called me darling but i'm not sure if that holds any true meaning at all.

i expressed to him that i was worried he'd lose interest in/ghost me while not being able to see me, but he told me that he "didn't think it would happen, don't worry" but i still worry because he just doesn't seem like he really cares as much anymore.

should i try and voice how i feel to him? or do i just drop him and try to move on from the situation entirely? should i give him space? am i being too clingy?

i understand that some people could be having problems during this pandemic, however, he has been asking me to sneak out of my house to come see him (which i have declined as i’m immunocompromised and want to be extra safe) and has been seeing family/roommates have had friends over. so i don’t think he’s having any huge issues but i don’t know for certain.

[Jacob]

Hi avaiara! It's nice to hear from you!

Reading you write about this situation it sounds like, recently, he hasn't been a good person for you, at least in communication style (or lack thereof!) to be in contact with in your more recent attempts to interact with him.

I understand that this is a stressful time and not everybody is good at communicating when under stress, however it's important to be self-aware of this, whereas his behavior sounds like someone who isn't showing you the care needed in any type of relationship.

Asking you to visit him at the same time as an ongoing pandemic and clearly giving you far less conversation than is clearly important to you feels completely irresponsible thing of him to ask you.

Even if this sounded like a caring and positive interaction, I would still advise any one asking this question not to go on dates, meet dates, or (if this is on the cards) engage in sexual activity with someone outside of their household.

I'm so sorry to have to be so discouraging! I would say that someone who is flippant about our emotional health such that they simply tell you "don't worry" when you have concerns and flippant about your physical health when seeking an interaction on their terms is probably best left behind!

I think talking can be helpful, but I would say the aim of a conversation would be to leave him to something to think about rather than resolving the current situation which oversteps what are some pretty important boundaries for me.

Again I'm so sorry that this is something you have to think about instead of just having a nice correspondence with a person who you otherwise must feel good about, especially as a way to get through a lock-down intended to address a massive health crisis.

A couple of ways forward I think could be to perhaps to try switch to a different chat application than Snap-chat. I know it gets in my head when I see read receipts and the like on messaging apps so I turn them off wherever I can and that really helps.

Besides that how are other folks in your life! Are you feeling able to keep connected with other folks?

[avaiara]

it’s just a bit of a bummer seeing the immediate change in mood after the pandemic. he would call me pet names and be so kind to me before this, but now he’s just so dry and hardly ever talks to me and it makes me feel down. i don’t know if i have the right to explain to him how i’m feeling about this :/
he had asked me to sneak out and come over, insinuating a sexual encounter and although i told him no, i can’t help but feel now that maybe that was his only intention the whole time? i’m not sure and again i don’t know if i should tell him how i am feeling right now seeing as we’ve just been flirty and aren’t really serious.

what do you mean by leaving him something to think about? given that his snap score has gone up and he still hasn’t reached out to me, i take it as he has chosen to ignore me so i was going to give it a day or two before i spoke to him again. snapchat isn’t our primary source of conversation, however seeing “opened” and watching his score go up doesn’t feel good and he has his read receipts on for imessage so i don’t think there’s a way for me to get around that one unfortunately.

my friends/family life is okay i feel pretty connected to everyone still through zoom calls and facetime, i’m currently quarantined with my roommate who happens to be one of my closest friends so thankfully i’m not in a bad situation!

Hi avaiara! It's nice to hear from you!

Reading you write about this situation it sounds like, recently, he hasn't been a good person for you, at least in communication style (or lack thereof!) to be in contact with in your more recent attempts to interact with him.

I understand that this is a stressful time and not everybody is good at communicating when under stress, however it's important to be self-aware of this, whereas his behavior sounds like someone who isn't showing you the care needed in any type of relationship.

Asking you to visit him at the same time as an ongoing pandemic and clearly giving you far less conversation than is clearly important to you feels completely irresponsible thing of him to ask you.

Even if this sounded like a caring and positive interaction, I would still advise any one asking this question not to go on dates, meet dates, or (if this is on the cards) engage in sexual activity with someone outside of their household.

I'm so sorry to have to be so discouraging! I would say that someone who is flippant about our emotional health such that they simply tell you "don't worry" when you have concerns and flippant about your physical health when seeking an interaction on their terms is probably best left behind!

I think talking can be helpful, but I would say the aim of a conversation would be to leave him to something to think about rather than resolving the current situation which oversteps what are some pretty important boundaries for me.

Again I'm so sorry that this is something you have to think about instead of just having a nice correspondence with a person who you otherwise must feel good about, especially as a way to get through a lock-down intended to address a massive health crisis.

A couple of ways forward I think could be to perhaps to try switch to a different chat application than Snap-chat. I know it gets in my head when I see read receipts and the like on messaging apps so I turn them off wherever I can and that really helps.

Besides that how are other folks in your life! Are you feeling able to keep connected with other folks?

[Jacob]

my friends/family life is okay i feel pretty connected to everyone still through zoom calls and facetime, i’m currently quarantined with my roommate who happens to be one of my closest friends so thankfully i’m not in a bad situation!

That's awesome!

I think crisis doesn't necessarily bring out the best in people and it could be that his coldness is partially a result of this general mood.

When I said "leaving him something to think about" I was referring to the fact that sometimes we talk to people or tell them how we're feeling to resolve a situation or try and improve how a relationship is working, and we might feel like we need them to show us that they have heard and paid attention to what we have said.

I'm suggesting that instead of that, telling someone how you feel can be part of letting go of those feelings, and letting go of that person.

To me it sounds like he isn't showing any care and is encouraging you to put yourself at risk. I'd suggest leaving the relationship behind and perhaps redirecting the energy that pushes you keep messaging him into your other friendships that sound way more supportive.

[avaiara]

thank you for the advice. it’s not what i was hoping to hear but the honesty has pushed me towards a decision so i appreciate that i still think i want to talk to him about how i’m feeling and see if maybe he’ll talk to me about what’s been going on but you’re right, if this is how he is going to act towards me during a quarantine, that tells me a lot about how he would act in a relationship and that’s not something i want to put myself through.

my friends/family life is okay i feel pretty connected to everyone still through zoom calls and facetime, i’m currently quarantined with my roommate who happens to be one of my closest friends so thankfully i’m not in a bad situation!

That's awesome!

I think crisis doesn't necessarily bring out the best in people and it could be that his coldness is partially a result of this general mood.

When I said "leaving him something to think about" I was referring to the fact that sometimes we talk to people or tell them how we're feeling to resolve a situation or try and improve how a relationship is working, and we might feel like we need them to show us that they have heard and paid attention to what we have said.

I'm suggesting that instead of that, telling someone how you feel can be part of letting go of those feelings, and letting go of that person.

To me it sounds like he isn't showing any care and is encouraging you to put yourself at risk. I'd suggest leaving the relationship behind and perhaps redirecting the energy that pushes you keep messaging him into your other friendships that sound way more supportive.

[Jacob]

Exactly. Time to enjoy your time keeping up with your people who actually show care and respect towards you!

[avaiara]

so, i ended up talking to him today and got a response that i totally wasn’t expecting. he apologized to me for disappearing and told me that not being able to work and having his routine taken away from him has made his mental health bad and he told me that it wasn’t anything i did, and that he didn’t want it to fall back onto me. he told me he likes me a lot and i offered my support to him.

i think that’s a good thing? but i’m unsure, i’m glad he finally was comfortable with telling me what was going on in his life.

Exactly. Time to enjoy your time keeping up with your people who actually show care and respect towards you!

[Sam W]

Hi avaiara,

It sounds like talking to him went well in that he was willing to open up to you, apologize, and give you a little more context as to why he's acting the way he is. That's definitely a positive step, and it sounds like you're feeling a little better because of it!

In that conversation, did the two of you talk about what supporting each other right now looks like, or steps to take to be sure he's not directing his stress and frustration about the pandemic and it's side effects at you?

[avaiara]

i definitely am feeling better
i told him that i didn’t want to sound selfish (because i had asked why he suddenly stopped talking to me) and apologized if i came off that way and offered my support if he wanted. i also said that he isn’t obligated to speak to me if he’s feeling down, but that at least letting me know he’s ok.
he said he felt bad because he felt like he wasn’t giving me what i wanted and we briefly walked about mental health and i told him that didn’t need to be a priority until he felt okay and i think we both really opened up after that because he told me he felt the same way about me and that he was excited for things to be good again when the lockdown is lifted. so i think it went pretty well!

Hi avaiara,

It sounds like talking to him went well in that he was willing to open up to you, apologize, and give you a little more context as to why he's acting the way he is. That's definitely a positive step, and it sounds like you're feeling a little better because of it!

In that conversation, did the two of you talk about what supporting each other right now looks like, or steps to take to be sure he's not directing his stress and frustration about the pandemic and it's side effects at you?

[Jacob]

I'm glad you had what felt like a good chat!

I don't imagine you needed to apologise. Sometimes stating your needs is the thing that makes those sorts of conversations more possible.

Did you talk about the fact he was inviting your round during a pandemic?