Why do I get so defensive about my dating life?

[wolfcub]

I've never touched this subject before until a few months ago. I occasionally look up tutorials for how to have sex and how it works. But it seems like every time someone accidentally looks over my shoulder or gets behind me when I'm looking at this stuff, I instinctively close out the window. This also happens when I'm on dating sites or hell even this site! I don't even think about it either. I just do it.

It just doesn't make any sense. I mean I'm 21. It's not like I'm going to be getting teased about this, right? And people are always saying this is nothing to be embarrassed about, right? There's no logical reason for me to not want to talk about it. So why do I always feel the need to hide it?

Is it because I don't want to confront the fact that I've never had a girlfriend before? Am I just shy? Why am I like this?

[hotdogfriendo]

Hi wolfcub!
I think a lot of emphasis is generally put on dating/sex. There are definitely many societal norms surrounding these things, but I can't imagine any good friend making fun of you for not having dated anyone. Did you know that 1 in 5 American college students graduate without having ever had sex? https://www.thecut.com/2015/10/college- ... ority.html
Emotions aren't always logical things, but, as that article discusses, you're definitely not the only person who feels that way and worries about what your sexual/romantic activity (or lack thereof) means about you.

[Amanda F]

Hey wolfcub,

We have an article that addresses just what you've brought up: Embracing Newbiehood: How to Approach Dating and Sex in Your 20s With Little or No Experience Please give it a read and let me know what you think!

hotdogfriendo brings up some great points. Our society sends a message that everyone's having sex, and therefore you should too - but that's just not true, and in fact, there are tons of people in their 20s who haven't dated or had sex.

The article above encourages you to first just feel how you feel, and identify those feelings. Can you identify how you're feeling now? I see that you're frustrated, and you've also mentioned defensive - where do you think those feelings are coming from? What other emotions are you experiencing around this?

[wolfcub]

With all due respect, while I am experiencing and dealing with a bit of FOMO, I don't think it completely explains my behavior. Mainly because this timidity doesn't just apply to wanting to get laid. It's the idea of sex in general and the atmosphere it creates. Whenever I try to make a sex joke, I become incredibly tense. I choke up when I try to act seductive, even as a joke. I rarely ever look at stuff like porn, and the very few times that I do it's only for like 30 seconds before I get flustered and close out the window.

It's just confusing. I didn't grow up in a Christian household. My parents even tried to get me to read a book about baby making when I was about 10. (And truth be told, I always had a bitter attitude towards how hypocritical Christians can be and the feelings of resentment are.......let's just say strong)

It's just given the environment I was raised in and everyone else's attitude on the subject of sex, it doesn't make sense for me to get so tense when talking about it, I get to the point where I don't even know the basics of how to "pleasure" a girl beyond "put rod in hole". I feel like everyone else has at least a little deeper understanding of it than that (unless I'm completely wrong about that and I'm just generalizing)

It's got me worried because even though I want to actually try dating out and become more sexually active, this weird feeling seems to keep getting in the way of actually learning the fundamentals and culture surrounding it. Even when I'm completely alone and no one is watching, I still feel hesitation. I just don't know why I'm so reluctant to get a bit more exposed to the subject

[Sam W]

Hi wolfcub,

I can promise you that everyone else isn't running around with a deeper understanding of sex while you're left in the dust. People's knowledge about sex, and comfort with sexual topics or information, varies a TON, and there are plenty of people out there who feel the way you do, and worry that everyone else knows way more about the subject than them.

That being said, it sounds like digging into where that discomfort comes from might be helpful to you. You mention that you don't think it's connected to your upbringing, so there may be other factors at play. For instance, when you feel that tension about or aversion to sexual topics, does the tensing up feel like it's attached to a fear that you'll do something wrong or somehow reveal your inexperience? Something else?

[wolfcub]

What you said about doing something wrong or revealing my inexperience, I think you may be on to something there. I don't feel genuine affection towards a lot of people so chances to gain experience are few. So I always feel like I'm at a disadvantage

[Karyn]

That fear of doing something wrong or revealing inexperience is a pretty common one, something quite a lot of people go through. (Whether they let on that that's what they feel or not.) So you're certainly not alone in that, but it's still not an easy feeling to deal with. For guys especially, as well, there's a pretty widespread idea that inexperience is a bad thing, coupled with the expectation that guys are supposed to be the ones to take charge and lead the way and know what they're doing during sex: that's a lot of pressure!

Can you be a bit more specific about what it is that concerns you about revealing your inexperience or doing something wrong? Say you've met someone you're attracted to, it seems like they're into you too, and then you mention that you've never had a relationship with anyone before or had sex before. What is it about that that scares you? The possibility that they won't be interested in you anymore? Something else?