Okay so I’m not exactly sure why I’m writing this and for what reason, I just know this is a safe place with wise people and I just, need to talk about this because maybe you can help. If not, completely understandable! So, I have this coworker who I’m in love with, I’ve talked about her a million times. Work stuff happened and we’re still really close and she’s still my best friend.
She’s older and I understand things are different then they were back then but it’s also like, move forward and learn. Okay so at work today, after she left me and my coworkers were talking and i don’t know how but I mentioned something my friend said and in the quote I mentioned myself as Sage which is the name I choose because it feels very nb to me and very me, even if 2 people call me that, it feels great. So anyways they were like I LOVE THAT NAME that fits you! I was like?? And so now they are calling me sage
One of the new guys and I kept talking and he’s super nice and I was like yeah I’m nb and he asked my preferred pronouns and I said right now I’m using they/them and it’s making me very happy and he was like awesome I’ll remember that. After all that and me being all happy I immediately panicked because I know this coworker I love doesn’t understand or support it.
She’s the person who told me I’m not a man and to be the best female I know how to be. That was the response I got when I told her I hang out in my room and dress manly I play a life where I’m a man and I dream of having a packer and stuff. I understand that’s hard to grasp and understand but support could have been offered. I told her it’s so hard for me and I hate this because I’m a woman but I just don’t feel like I am I feel like I’m kinda nothing.
I guess I’m genderfluid but I don’t know anymore with labels. Anyways, I text her and I explained that I’m sorry it came up but they might call me that and she doesn’t have too but that I love her and I need her support etc. With the help of my online friends I realized that I will never have her support. She will never understand. She doesn’t care. I told her yesterday in a breakdown how hard everything is in my personal life and at work and internally.
So, I text her a few hours later and told her I need to stop talking to her because I can’t carry on with putting her first before me that nothing will happen and it’s unhealthy for me to be in love with her when she’s never going to support me or care. I know she loves me back, she tells me she loves me. It’s just so hard because for a year she’s been my rock, the reason I’m holding on and I feel like I’m nothing without her in my life. She’s become a really good friend who just happens to be so beautiful.
I know this is just the bpd talking but fuck, I need her in my life. So, I keep trying to change. I keep trying to be my real name, like men, Not dress androgynous for her, when I dress androgynous and I ask if I look masc she says I don’t at all. When I wear cologne she just ignores it. It all hurts.
All of this hurts. I know It’s healthy to stay away because I’m important and I need to take care of myself and love myself and accept myself but if the one person who I need to accept the doesn’t then why even bother? You get me? This all is horrible and I’m nervous I’m gonna get into trouble for using so many names lol. I’m nervous people are gonna find out I’m under the huge trans umbrella, I’m not ashamed of it but I’m still figuring it out. If I could have one re do on my life it would be to stay inside the closet with my gender and my sexuality.
I just, needed to get it off my chest in a safe environment.
Sending all of you the best vibes, all the time <3