Big Question

[wolfcub]

I've been debating for a long time whether to lose my virginity to a stranger or just wait to give it to someone "special". There are a lot of complicated factors that are influencing my hesitation.

On the one hand, apparently, virgin men are not attractive. I read online that girls tend to prefer men with at least a little experience under their belt. Now I don't know if this applies to girls who are looking for a relationship or just the ones looking for a "good time" but I do know that humans are selfish creatures. There are certain physical aspects about people that will immediately turn someone off.

I'm not horrible looking and have a sweet and goofy personality but that's the kind of thing that one will only discover after giving you a chance. Other than that, I'm a virgin, a person with aspergers, I'm 5'6" so I'm not exactly tall, and I really, really like video games. I imagine that kind of cuts down my attrativeness, and thus my first impressions, a lot. If I get rid of my virginity and gain some practice, I could train myself to be more confident and learn how to flirt and act attractive. I think the demand for superficial stuff gets less and less as you grow into your 30s, but I'm really into the energy and playfulness of youth and young love, so if it's just going to push people away, I don't know if waiting is worth it

On the other hand, there's the concept of losing your virginity that holds me back. There are people who keep saying that they regret losing their virginity to a stranger but I'm guessing that most of them are girls, so I don't know if it applies to me. People keep saying that it all depends on what my virginity means to me, but here's the thing; I don't know what it means to me. I know "virginity" is just a word and not an actual thing but at the same time, I just don't know.

To sum up my dilemma, I want to be with someone special who I can have a good time with and get close to, but if it ends up being an obstacle that's just going to get in the way of a 20s romance, I don't know if it's worth it.

And yeah, maybe I'm just playing into my fantasies a bit with this 20s romance thing, but I just can't seem to shake it. There's just something about it that draws me to it more than any other age range

[Sam W]

Hi Wolfcub,

I think there are two questions to ask yourself about this. One is to figure out how you define virginity, and what you think would "count" as not being a virgin anymore. That will help you determine what you want that encounter to actually involve. The second is: why do you think no longer being a virgin would be the thing that made it easier to be confident or learn how to flirt? Why not aim for the romance and relationship you want prior to having sex, since it sounds like you like the idea of having sex with someone you're close to?

It can also help to avoid thinking in super-generalized terms when you can. As we've talked about before, what women (or people in general) find attractive is so, so varied. Psyching yourself out because you think you're lacking some key feature that would attract people to you is a great way of killing your confidence before you even start dating.

Too, if confidence is something that you feel you're lacking, casual sex may in some ways be a not-so-great call. After all, you have to be confident enough to approach (or be approached) and talk about sex with someone you don't know well or at all. You've also got to be confident enough to set any boundaries or talk about likes and dislikes, something people can struggle with even with partners they've had awhile.