Fear, shame, and anxiety over gender

[Berkeley2003]

Hi, i have a two part question! I was wondering if you have any general advice for someone who is feeling still shame and a bit of denial over settling into my gender identity, specifically leaning into my masculinity. I just feel shame for going against cisnormativity and lot of fear over being deemed attractive. I definitely think fear of being deemed attractive holds me back and tilts me towards considering femininity. I just feel dumb for holding myself back in fear or consideration of what other people think of me. In the end, I’m the one living my experience. I just feel a lot of shame around my trans identity.

My second question is advice around extreme voice dysphoria. I have pretty extreme voice dysphoria that's amplified by my preexisting OCD. Like my discomfort around my voice is something I tend to ruminate over. It's pretty exhausting. I guess my last resort is starting T soon and I have an appt booked for later this month. I guess I'm just fearful about what if it doesn't turn out going the way I want with results?

[Heather]

Hey there, Berkeley. Sorry for the wait.

In terms of your first question, what's your own community or support network like? Do you have people in it who, be they cis or trans men, possess masculinities and feelings about them you can talk with? I feel like if you had some more community to talk with about this it would likely help you work through it.

By way of that, I also want to make sure you have seen this piece, which I think offers some of what I have in mind in an editorial way: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... g-yourself

Per the second question, this sounds two-part to me: like something where I'd bring this to treatment for your OCD overall and where I'd also suggest considering things you can do to help you feel better about your voice from a trans POV. T can be one of those things, for sure, but so can gender-affirming vocal training (both are also an option): https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... al-therapy

If it helps, too, to talk with someone who knows a good deal about voices (way before I did this, I was a classical voice student) and has some decidedly nonbinary feelings about the idea that voices do or even must reflect gender and can only do so in very binary and specific ways, I'm down for it.

[OpossUM?]

You’re just like me :0
I haven’t seen anyone else who has ocd like that

[Berkeley2003]

Hi Heather,

Thanks for your reply!

Yeah, I think I'm going to try and embrace more trans support group. It would just give me people to talk to and sort out my experiences. I'm going to honestly start taking the steps to start HRT and see how it goes.

Maybe there's a way to deal with this... I'm thinking more about this internal tension between "am I FTM or non-binary?" I've been going as non-binary (they/them) for a while and definitely identify more with the trans masc side than I would like to honestly admit. I was talking to my endocrinologist about something and she was like you didn't just wake up and decide you're non-binary? And just hearing that said to me, I felt detached to being called that. I just wonder if I'm just a trans man and denying it....

[KierC]

Hey there Berkeley,

I’m glad you’re considering more trans support groups. Do you have ideas of where to go for this, or would you like to talk about possible sources of community?

Here’s another resource that might help too as you pursue HRT! If you still have that appointment set for the end of the month, it may help to look through this before your appointment as it has some helpful info on what to expect from your first appointment and beyond: Trans Summer School: The Magic of Hormones

What I’m hearing is that you’re struggling with the feeling of identifying more masc, and wondering if that means you’re non-binary or FTM. I want to start by sending you this: Gender Confusion: Being Unsure Doesn’t Have To Be A Bummer. As Mo says here, being unsure of your exact gender identity is a space that many people find themselves in through their lives. You can take baby steps toward discovering words to use to describe your identity that feel right to you, and find small (and big!) joys in the process! Exploring different ways to dress, looking at different expressions of masculinity and seeing what aligns with you, these can be really fun things to do as you learn more about how you want to express yourself.

Something else that might be helpful to consider while you think about this is that there’s not a textbook definition for how any person shows up in the world based on the words they use to describe their identity. I know that sort of flexibility with identity can be daunting, but it’s more of a reminder to notice more how you feel, than how you appear according to other people. So for example, when your endocrinologist used the word non-binary in reference to you and you felt detached, that’s an important thing to listen to. On the other hand, how would you feel identifying as FTM instead of non-binary or transmasc under the non-binary umbrella?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi!

To your last question about identifying as a trans man, I honestly feel gut reaction terrified. I don't know if it's one of those things where I need to try out that identity to tease apart my emotions around it (ex: using he/him pronouns). I honestly just feel terrified when I think about it. Why do I exactly feel terrified? It just feels like such a radical shift and scares me about what people would think if I stepped into that identity to be honest.

[CaitlinEve]

That's understandable, Berkeley! It is a big change. But there's nothing that says you can't try it out and then decide that it's not something that makes you happy. There's also no guidebook for this; take it as slow or as fast as you need to. For example, you could start using he/him pronouns in one specific group of people (ie. a Discord server) just to try it out with people you trust, or with people you don't usually interact with. Just because something is a radical shift doesn't mean it's a radical shift that won't improve your life.

[Berkeley2003]

I appreciate the reframing! That definitely makes sense rationally, but it definitely freaks out the emotional side of my brain. I think I'm honestly just scared and don't know where to start, maybe it's like using those pronouns with my therapist. It's like doing some of the smallest steps is terrifying and maybe that's just unavoidable if I wanna grow as a person.

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! I apologize for back to back posting. I woke up feeling completely terrified. I'm just honestly freaking out.

I have an appointment tomorrow with my gender therapist so I think that will maybe help me emotionally regulate. I don't really know how to filter out the absolute terror and getting to the heart of my gender feelings. Or maybe that's not even possible to do it that cleanly?

[KierC]

Hey there Berkeley,

No worries — I’m glad you posted to tell us how things are going. I agree that it’ll be good to bring this to your therapist tomorrow, and that may help you regulate a bit. Your therapist may also have some recommendations or “homework” for you to do in-between sessions to help you regulate, as well. That’s something you can ask for if you haven’t spoken about that yet, too.

I hear you that it’s hard to get to the crux of your feelings about your gender when you’re feeling terrified and anxious. I agree with you that it’s not as “clean” of a process as simply filtering out the feeling of terror — I wish it were easy to just filter out anxiety, but I do think anxiety can be a cue to an emotional need we have somewhere. If we simply filter out the anxiety, the unmet need is still here. So, instead of filtering it out, gently observing the feeling of terror, noticing (without trying to immediately change anything) how this feeling shows up in your body, can sometimes help let you know which parts of yourself might need some more care in that particular moment.

How are you feeling going into therapy tomorrow? Too, in the meantime, do you have any grounding or calming strategies you use in times like this?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi!

I agree a lot with what you're saying, if only it was so easy to sift out the terror and anxiety.

I've been seeking more support from friends and started going back to a support group for trans folx. That's been helpful. I had a moment of clarity when talking to my friend, when she mentioned I was repressing myself and it's not healthy. I really appreciated the candidness and it got me thinking how do you work against self-repression? The topic came up bc I mentioned trying to exhaust all my coping options with voice dysphoria before starting HRT. In honesty, I'm being avoidant and trying to minimize the existence of my voice dysphoria and trans identity. I'm going to take steps this week to get bloodwork done for HRT this weekend, but in all - how do you address self-repression? It's just kind of sad that I've been doing this for so long to protect myself, but it has just contributed to unnecessary suffering. I've just have been making myself suffer for a long time and the unfamiliarity of thriving/being authentic scares me.

[Andy]

Hi there Berkeley,

that’s so great to hear that you have been getting more support from your community and are finding that helpful!

When it comes to the self-repression, I totally hear you that it can be hard to step out from the usual way of thinking and treating yourself, especially when you have needed it to protect yourself. It takes a lot of patience and compassion for yourself, but I think you are already doing the most important step and that is noticing when something does or doesn’t feel right. That can be the feelings that arise when your or other people use some words to describe your identity, when trying on different clothes or using different pronouns. You can then take a moment to examine this feeling and try to establish where it comes from and what could make the situation feel different. If you like journaling you can even record these feelings and thoughts and see if any patterns emerges. Just don’t forget to be gentle with yourself, especially during these stressful times.
How does all that sound?

[Jacob]

how do you address self-repression?

Just to add: It also sounds like you're already doing a lot of the things; taking it slow, reflecting on how your feel, finding people you can talk to. Everyone deals with this sort of thing differently, but from what you've said it sounds like you're doing a great job of pacing yourself in stuff that is almost always scary. So if you want to pat yourself on the back for something definitely do for this!

[Berkeley2003]

I appreciate the affirmations, thank you!! I guess I’m just fearful about how it’s going to turn out. I’m afraid that it’s not going to alleviate any of my voice dysphoria as I get closer to receiving the prescription.

[Andy]

Hi!

I can imagine it’s stressful to be getting closer a treatment you have so much hope in. After all, this is something you have been struggling with for quite some time and had to wait to finally get to try it. It’s absolutely understandable that the hope it will help accompanied by worries it might not accumulated over that time and getting closer to the resolutions is now bringing those feelings closer to the surface. I think it could be helpful to remind yourself that it might take a long time before the effects show. And also that even if it ends up not alleviating the voice dysphoria as much as you hope, it’a not the end to all hope and options, there are other approaches and things you can try. Take care and let us know if there is anything we can do for you <3

[Berkeley2003]

I appreciate y’all! I’m sorry if this is annoying but I finally have my medication. I’m just afraid to actually take it? Any advice? I feel like a level of fear is unavoidable. I was thinking of just taking it for a week, applying the topical med each day.

[Sofi]

Not annoying at all, this is why we're here! Congrats <3 it's normal to be anxious about any new medication or treatment. How did the doctor advise to take it? I'll say it's best to follow their orders and keep them posted if you want to change anything about that. However, we can help talk you through some of the anxiety around it. You mentioned fear and I know you have OCD, do you think this fear is related to your OCD? If you don't mind sharing, what is the fear? Sometimes saying it out loud helps, and that way we can understand better too.

[Berkeley2003]

Hi! Thank you! It's topical and I'm supposed to use it everyday. My endocrinologist will check back in with me at 2 months.

Interestingly, my fear around taking it doesn't have to do with my history of OCD. I'm afraid of taking the HRT b/c it will make the situation of me being trans feel more real. It feels like a drastic big change which overwhelms me. And I do think a lot about how people will perceive me after I've started taking HRT and some changes are visible. I'm feeling this push and pull between being really scared and knowing that going on with my life as usual isn't sustainable. I have the gender dysphoria, particularly voice dysphoria, that I'm trying to address so my quality of life is improved.

[Latha]

Hi there, Berkeley2003

When you say taking HRT will make the situation of being trans more real, it sounds a bit like you feel that being trans is risky somehow. Is that the case? Why so? Taking HRT is a significant step — it is the result of a great deal of effort and hope on your part. But if you think about it another way, this isn't an especially radical shift. Through all the changes of transition, you will still be you.

As a suggestion, I think it can help to be intentional about hope when we are nervous about the future. You could try spending a little time every day exploring how this could be a good experience for you. Imagine interactions with other people going neutrally and positively, even if you can't quite believe it yet. And remind yourself of the positive experiences you have had already, like with your friends and the trans folx in your support group. You could even journal about this and look back on your writing from time to time.

If I may ask, what is it about people's potential reactions that worries you?

[Berkeley2003]

I actually started taking it today, which is a big step and I feel proud of myself! I was really holding off on it and actually felt relief. Surprisingly I felt some excitement?

I sound like a broken record about this but I'm really hopeful about mitigating my extreme voice dysphoria. Speaking or thinking speaking makes me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I didn't really think about it but I have to actively dissociate or steel myself when I speak. It's pretty life dehabilitating. I don't know ways I can mitigate some of it?? When the real solution is prob waiting for the HRT effects to kick in which could be a while

[Anya]

Hi Berkley2003,

Congratulations! Starting your medication is totally a big step and I'm proud that you're proud of yourself! With all of the confusion of figuring out gender and life stuff that can feel debilitating and stressful, I find it so valuable to hold on to the true joys and accomplishments, and that's super exciting. Maybe hold onto that for a minute and just sit with all the feels.

Voice dysphoria can be soo difficult because not only are we consistently speaking to others but lots of us hear our voices in our heads so I get how constantly hurtful it can feel not to be able to get away from that. I'm sorry that you have to go through that. My apologies if this has already been recommended to you, but have you looked into any voice training? Voice training while taking HRT may expedite the process of a voice change and there are tons of ways to go about a search for a voice coach. If you have the financial ability you may be able to find someone in your area who specializes, but if not there are a bunch of professionals online, as well as free YouTube videos that share tips and tricks, as well as full lessons on how to extend your vocal ability to sounds lower or more masculine (or whatever you're going for). Does this sound like something you would want to look into?