Fear, shame, and anxiety over gender

[Berkeley2003]

Hi, i have a two part question! I was wondering if you have any general advice for someone who is feeling still shame and a bit of denial over settling into my gender identity, specifically leaning into my masculinity. I just feel shame for going against cisnormativity and lot of fear over being deemed attractive. I definitely think fear of being deemed attractive holds me back and tilts me towards considering femininity. I just feel dumb for holding myself back in fear or consideration of what other people think of me. In the end, I’m the one living my experience. I just feel a lot of shame around my trans identity.

My second question is advice around extreme voice dysphoria. I have pretty extreme voice dysphoria that's amplified by my preexisting OCD. Like my discomfort around my voice is something I tend to ruminate over. It's pretty exhausting. I guess my last resort is starting T soon and I have an appt booked for later this month. I guess I'm just fearful about what if it doesn't turn out going the way I want with results?

[Heather]

Hey there, Berkeley. Sorry for the wait.

In terms of your first question, what's your own community or support network like? Do you have people in it who, be they cis or trans men, possess masculinities and feelings about them you can talk with? I feel like if you had some more community to talk with about this it would likely help you work through it.

By way of that, I also want to make sure you have seen this piece, which I think offers some of what I have in mind in an editorial way: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... g-yourself

Per the second question, this sounds two-part to me: like something where I'd bring this to treatment for your OCD overall and where I'd also suggest considering things you can do to help you feel better about your voice from a trans POV. T can be one of those things, for sure, but so can gender-affirming vocal training (both are also an option): https://www.scarleteen.com/read/identit ... al-therapy

If it helps, too, to talk with someone who knows a good deal about voices (way before I did this, I was a classical voice student) and has some decidedly nonbinary feelings about the idea that voices do or even must reflect gender and can only do so in very binary and specific ways, I'm down for it.

[OpossUM?]

You’re just like me :0
I haven’t seen anyone else who has ocd like that