Should I be upset over rape?

[Heather]

That's what I was offering to help with, and what I thought you were saying you wouldn't be okay with me/us doing in your previous response. If I've misunderstood, let me know, and we can offer up some suggestions.

[wistfully]

Sorry, I meant I wouldn't mind you doing that

[Johanna]

If you are up for it, one thing that you might find helpful is to seek out a local rape crisis center. They often offer support group meetings, which would give you an opportunity to hang out with people, and find support and help from people who have similar experiences. As Heather already pointed out, a lot of the loneliness you are feeling right now is likely about the aftermath of having lived through something pretty traumatic. So dealing with that experience is one good way to take the edge of the loneliness. If that is something you're interested in, we can help you find local resources.

If you're not ready to deal with your feelings around the assault, another thing you can do that you might find helpful is clarifying for yourself what you are looking for when you say you want a relationship, or a boyfriend. Those are pretty broad concepts and they mean different things to different people. Having a clear idea of what you are looking for may make it easier to seek that out. Plus, there is a good chance that some of what you are missing is available to you outside of a relationship, as well, so you might find some ways to seek those out in the meantime.

[Heather]

I just want to add that I think one of the biggest things that might help are acknowledging the ways you do feel upset. I don't intend to put words in your mouth, but while you said at the front here you're not upset, I hear you voicing some ways in this conversation that you are.

It may sound blithe, but it's a lot harder to deal with our feelings if we aren't starting by just acknowledging them.

[wistfully]

Oh well alright, I admit that I may be emotionally compromised because of what happened. But I don't like to think of it that way, it was just a thing that happened to me and my negative feelings are from thinking about it too much.

I don't know if I want to talk to other people who have been sexually assaulted but I'll definitely consider talking to the people that the clinic wanted to refer me to.

I don't know what I want out of a relationship other than someone wanting me, so really it's fair to say that I want to be wanted in a romantic way rather than wanting a romantic relationship.

I want a hug! Not just a little one from a friend when they say goodbye either.

And when someone has sex with me I want to be treated tenderly and with dignity, as if someone cared about me when they have sex with me, as if I was valuable, rather than dragging me and restraining me and not caring about my comfort or consent or whether I can breathe.

[Sam W]

It's okay to have negative feelings about what happened, and those negative feelings come more from something bad having been done to you then they do from you overthinking things. It's not an overreaction by any means.

I would definitely consider talking to those folks. You've done a solid job of looking after your body in the wake of what happened, so it makes sense to expend some of that same care on your mind and your heart (for lack of a better way of describing it).

And those are all completely reasonable things to want from sex. In fact, I'd wager they're what most people want from sex, and it's definitely not weird to desire them, especially after someone has not treated you that way.

[wistfully]

The thing is that I don't think I'll be able to get that kind of sex.

I could very easily get fucked up on drugs and alcohol and have sex with a whole bunch of different guys this summer but it still won't make me feel any better or any less lonely.

[Heather]

I think it's safe to agree that, no, that's more likely to make things feel worse for you than better.

Do you want to talk about what you can do, that is within your control, to seek out sexual interactions or relationships, on the whole, that don't involve drugs or alcohol, and that do fit the criteria (setting aside relationships that are primarily about you just getting a feeling of being wanted, since a) that kind of ignores the other person in that equation, and b) that alone isn't likely to help you find the other things you're talking about here) you're talking about up there?

[wistfully]

You're right that my need to feel wanted doesn't factor in the other person in that equation, but unfortunately this is what I feel the need for. In fact if someone were to just express a liking for me in that way it would probably do the trick, without the relationship business. And maybe if they gave me a nice long hug too that would be nice.

I would just like to clarify that I was NOT fucked up on drugs and alcohol when I was raped, I was completely sober, he wasnt though.

I wouldn't know how to get sexual interactions/relationships outside of online hookups, pity fucks from friends and parties where almost everyone is off their tits on fuck knows what.

[Heather]

Per the drugs and alcohol, please know that wouldn't change anything for us: being under the influence or not doesn't change that sex without explicit consent is not consensual, and sexual assault isn't the fault of the person or people who are assaulted. As well, when someone is under the influence, they can't give informed, meaningful consent, so all by itself, sex when someone is strongly under the influence isn't consensual.

If you do want to talk about how to have better success finding the kind of sexual dynamics, and healthy sexual interactions, you're asking about, can you start by filling me in on of what you've described in your last paragraph is your own sexual history? And if so, can you perhaps give me a sense of how you have been going about trying to pursue those interactions that don't involve pursuing sex with people who are intoxicated, online situations where anyone (you or others) are only looking for or open to hookups, or whatever you're describing or have experienced as sex based in pity for you?

Side note: is hugging not a thing you and your friends do? If not, is that something you feel you can ask for?

[wistfully]

My sexual history is: Lost virginity to a friend who agreed to take my virginity, at the age of 21. Then online hookups mostly, and a one night stand with a guy from club, and then the aformentioned rape by a "friend".

My friends do hug, but only short hugs and they're not very cuddly.

On dating sites guys aren't usually looking for anything serious with me despite my profile not being sexual.

[Sam W]

Thanks wistfully (on the subject of hugs, do you feel that you could ask for a slightly longer one from a friend and have them agree to it)?

When you're on these dating sites, are you also looking at profiles and messaging people, or do you mostly wait until people message you?

[wistfully]

That would just be a very awkward elongated hug from a friend.

Both.

[Sam W]

Ah, I follow.

So, in those exchanges, are you both expressing what you're looking for from the relationship up front, or do you find that one (or both) of you seems to pretend to want what the other person does, only for what they really want to come out later?

Also, I wanted to jump back to you mention about your first time. How did you and your friend arrive at that decision to have sex?

[wistfully]

Depends, sometimes they act like they want to go on a get-to-know-you kind of date but really they just want sex. And most of them are upfront about wanting something casual.

He offered after I complained about being a virgin but not wanting to lose it to some online stranger.

[Sam W]

Okay, so when you look for people to message, are you filtering your results to those profiles that say they're looking for something a little more serious?

Too, when you seek out partners IRL, do you find it's mostly in situations where there's alcohol involved and or the vibe is very much one tuned to casual interactions?

Out of curiosity, why did you feel like those were your only two options (your friend or someone online)?

[wistfully]

Yes, but even if they say they're looking for something serious, they're not looking for something serious with YOU.

I've asked guys out when out for coffee with them or at a bar or when I'm over at their house or after a meet up if I know them from a meet up group I'm part of like life drawing sketch group etc

Well I was 21 and no guys IRL ever showed any interest in me, it was either finally get to lose my virginity with someone who I at least knew or lose it to some stranger on the internet which I didn't want to do for my first time. Ideally I would have liked to lose it to someone who cared about me but it didn't look like that would happen for me.

[Heather]

I'd add that not engaging in sex was also an option: it's okay that's not the one you picked, but I think just reminding yourself that that was also a choice might help you out with making choices moving forward you feel are a better fit in terms of what you really want.

By all means, what people say in a personals ad isn't always true or real. But if and when you talk with them after they respond to your ad, or vice-versa, you can talk about what you really want and need, and what you don't, and get a conversation going that is likely to give you more information about what IS for real. And setting hard limits is also helpful: if and when you make clear that you're not at all looking or wanting something casual, very clearly and plainly, you're going to be able to screen out most people who do want that, and don't want what you do...and screen in for more people who do.

I might also add that I totally get how easy it is to feel frustrated with all of this, and like you've been waiting forever. But back in this thread, you mentioned you have been looking for what you have for a decade: however, that'd have this whole journey starting at the age of 12. It's be pretty unusual for you to a) want the same things at 22 you wanted at 12, and b) I would also suggest not clocking this this way. In other words, if you frame all of this as a longer process than it probably really has been, it's going to be easier to feel frustrated.

In reality, I'd say that by your age, a majority of people are still looking pretty hard for what they want when it comes to these relationships and interactions, and even with relationships and sexual interactions under their belts, are still usually just starting to figure out what they really want and have some success really finding it, rather than being done, with everyone all satisfied and having all of their needs met. Were that not true, our workdays here would be a LOT slower than they are.

[dday76]

Well I was 21 and no guys IRL ever showed any interest in me, it was either finally get to lose my virginity with someone who I at least knew or lose it to some stranger on the internet which I didn't want to do for my first time. Ideally I would have liked to lose it to someone who cared about me but it didn't look like that would happen for me.

I think a lot of good advice here, but I'd just like to reiterate that if you're 22 now, and that's pretty early on in adult relationships. You might be a bit disappointed you're not as experienced as some of your peers, but as an old man, I can tell you they're not really experienced either, not at sex or relationships. Don't get too frustrated because your peers around that age are sex-crazed. It's just how things work. As you (and they) get older, things will get better. You'll know better what you want, and your peers will know better what they want, and you'll be able to focus in and find people you like. And then maybe sex too.
It sounds like you're disappointed but not desperate, which is not so bad. Desperate might get you into bad situations or bad relationships, so be careful not to force anything. One idea is to try dating yourself for a while. What do you like about yourself? What do you like doing on your own? Relationships are about planning a future together as well. What do you want to want to work toward in your own goals (even if that might include someone else in the future)? Pick a hobby or two to dive into something that you can do on your own, or maybe in a group of new friends. Then you might meet people in that hobby. Get passionate about yourself and a few hobbies, and you'd be surprised how reliably that can attract a partner. Confidence, self-assurance, direction. Those are hard things to acquire for yourself, but maybe focusing on being happy with yourself for a while is the fastest way to attract others.

[Heather]

I'd add to that great advice that a lot of self-care right now -- including with and around your assault -- is going to help facilitate that, too.

And getting really good at self-care is always a big help when it comes to finding and nurturing relationships and social interactions of quality. When we're really good at taking care of ourselves, it tends to make us appeal less to people who kind of need us to suck at it (so that the way they aren't caring for us or themselves can go better unnoticed, or so they can just use us rather than actually being caring), and more to people who are good at it themselves, tends to make us be meeting our own needs more, so we're coming to relationships more as a set of wants than as a need for love we're not giving ourselves, AND it makes us all better at caring for others. IME, self-care also increases our value of ourselves, so we tend to become more intolerant and quick to get away from people or situations that don't value us or others as whole people of real worth.