Feeling Yuck About Natural Lubricants...

[TheConfusedOne]

I haven't seen this asked before and I've been itching for some advice for quite a while now.

Everytime my bf visits, we will have a few sessions in the bedroom. Always foreplay only though (because I'm not ready!) and every single time, I'd hesitate giving him oral or touching him at all. Over the years, it's gotten easier, but it still makes me feel yuck. It's not that I'm not attracted to him or might be lesbian and definitely not that I don't like touching his body. It's the precum and cum that I don't enjoy. Even my own natural lubricant feels yuck to me. That slimy texture makes me shudder and the taste isn't exactly juicy steak! I don't like the feel of saliva on my skin either, eventhough kissing is a turnon for me.

I want to overcome this feeling of disgust. Whenever I fantasize about it, I get turned on, whenever I see either of us "get wet" as he calls it, I get even more turned on, which makes me feel like I'm okay with the sight of it, but not the feel or taste. As I understand it, many others feel this way as well and I was even told that it's an acquired taste, which is why I didn't let myself think about it, hoping I'd feel better about it. It's been long enough though, to know that I'm finding it extremely hard to get used to it at least. How can I learn to like these... liquids?

It's also making me feel guilty. I'm always the one to orgasm because he doesn't feel this way and in fact, claims to love eating me out. Along with this feeling of disgust, my stamina is quite low and I can never do something long enough. Like, when I give him oral, my jaw gets tired quickly, so does my cheeks, and then my neck and head. Or when I'm just using my hand, I have to stop and give up after barely a minute because my entire arm would be aching x.x Combined with that yuck feeling, I'm even more eager to stop.

So far, he hasn't said anything about my hesitation or sometimes, outright unwillingness, but I really really want to give him more. I want him to feel as satisfied and overjoyed as I feel. We've tried having a condom on while I gave him oral, but the moment he got in my mouth, I gagged... >.< Any advice?

(No, practising sucking on a banana is not going to help! I don't even like bananas and sucking on them turns them into mush! Ew!)

[Sam W]

Hi confusedone,

So, something that might help here is to use a condom when performing oral sex (and using gloves for manual sex). That way, you're not coming into contact with those fluids, and you don't have to somehow train yourself out of feeling squicked out. You can even play around with different flavors of condom and lube. You can check out our safer sex shop and see if any of the packs there look interesting : http://www.scarleteen.com/condom_shop

Too, with your own fluids, we're not going to love everything our bodies do. But, I think vaginal secretion gets a bad wrap in general. So, it can help a little bit to remember that there's nothing inherently gross about those fluids, it's just your body doing what it does.

[Heather]

Can you fill me in on what sexual activities YOU like, and not just because your boyfriend enjoys them, but because you do yourself, and have a strong desire for separate from your boyfriend's wants and desires?

In other words, is there any sexual activity you really like and would have a big want for, even if your boyfriend didn't? What activities are you talking about when you say you feel satisfied and overjoyed?

[TheConfusedOne]

Thanks for the quick reply, guys

We've tried using condom during oral sex. The condom feels just as bad. Maybe even worse due to that latex texture and smell. At least body fluids smell more natural than condoms. Using my hand on a condom is easier, but I often don't like my own hands after that! Guess I'm just not into latex in general! As for my own, I'm okay with it as long as I don't think about it being there. Once I do, I have the need to go clean myself up. I don't feel grossed out, really. I just avoid touching or tasting them as often as possible. With his however, I think perhaps it's because precum/cum doesn't feel exactly like vaginal fluids, feels thicker and theres the nagging thought at the back of the head that keeps saying "That there has live wriggly tadpoles!" (I don't like frogs! >.<) It's also perhaps because it's not mine?

Tbf, I'm quite new to sex besides masturbating alone. For some background, I don't finger myself, I go straight for the clit. I find that I never feel good when I do it and most of the time, I masturbate just for that relief, not for fun. I recently found out that I have REALLY strong orgasms when he fingers me though. It's as if he found that elusive g-spot, because everytime, it's at the same spot. I'm also finding out that I'm extremely sensitive... everywhere... My mouth, my ears, my neck (especially), my nipples, tummy would set me off too, vulva, legs... literally everywhere! I just LOVE being touched and kissed. Being in his presence already turns me on. The first time he kissed me, I ended up having to walk the entire science park (where he kissed me) waggling like a duck because I got my underwear soaked...

That's what I mean by satisfied and overjoyed. Just having all that sensations going on, being with him, etc. And I want to return the favour. It's not so much what HE wants or enjoys (though he does too), it's that I want to give as well. If talking about what kink I like, I don't entirely know yet, but I do fancy bondage and I know for sure that I'm quite the submissive. It makes it easier for me if he were to "command" me to suck him, because then I get willing and just do it. Though I still hesitate, but I don't outright refuse. See, that's the thing, I actually enjoy the act. Just not the fluids... And it's confusing me, because I WANT to do it, but my feelings of yuck about the strings of fluids get in the way. Btw, I feel the exact same feeling of yuck when my golden retriever drools all over the place. >.<

I guess to sum it up, no, I currently don't have any strong desires that don't match up with his own desires. He of course has desires that I don't want or feel ready for, like penis-vagina penetration or anal, but he understands that and has kept away so far, though we've done a lot of contact rubbing.

[Johanna]

Have you given flavored condoms a try? They're not a stellar idea for intercourse (the sugar in them can cause infections) but they're a great option for oral sex!

But also, it sounds like you two have found a few activities that you both really enjoy engaging in! There is no need to rush on to other stuff, especially if you're just not feeling it right now. I hear you expressing feelings of guilt because you're not "returning the favor", but perhaps you can try and reframe how you look at this? This article might help: Reciprocity, Reloaded

[TheConfusedOne]

Thanks, Johanna!

No, we have not tried flavoured condoms. I don't have access to... "sexy" items, but he does. I'll ask him what he thinks about trying them. Not sure I'd enjoy them anyway though... that latex feel is really not my thing xD Still! Experience!

We haven't rushed into anything, due to it being an LDR, it's actually quite a slow pace. We've come to the silent agreement to wait until we're living together before we got any sort of toys or kink items, so it does limit us a little in what we CAN do during his visits. So far, we've both been pretty happy with the little we can do, mainly lots of exploring!

As for the guilty feeling, after reading that article... I don't know. I don't feel that way and I don't think he feels that way either. When I say guilt, perhaps what I meant is that I'm not very happy with my own performance... or lack of. Just to make sure, this is all about me, I don't think he feels that I need to give him anything and he certainly enjoys giving me! Perhaps I also feel like it's MY desire to give, to watch him go through orgasms as strong as mine. He's already happy with me, but I want to turn that happiness into ecstasy. Perhaps this is a little bit selfish, but I do know that in those times when he couldn't orgasm because I'm too exhausted to help, he'd stop and tell me it's alright -- I can see that he's a little frustrated in not being able to orgasm and I want to smooth away that frustration.

Really, I just want to be a more active partner, do more that just lay there and wait for him to help me get off all the time. My getting exhausted fast and these yuck feelings against body fluids is encouraging me NOT to be more active.

Perhaps it will help to know that I have never been active physically, have never been fit. I'm trying now, but it's really hard to do sports when those I enjoy tend to be dangerous and require trusted people around. I can easily go jogging in my neighbourhood, but I hate walking and jogging... or running... >.< I don't feel good doing those, I feel sick after, usually.

Also, I should mention that he seems to take longer than what is socially accepted, to orgasm. As in, people always tell me stories about guys orgasming way too fast for an average bedroom session or that guys can usually get themselves off really quickly if they want to. That guys in porn videos use pills or other additional substances to last long, making it seem as if lasting long is unusual... I've never seen him orgasm in less than 30mins to an hour of constant stimulation. By that time, it usually gets too tiring and painful for even him to continue. It's... really odd! A friend suggested perhaps ED, but he has no problems getting hard and he's most definitely attracted to me! We recently discovered that if I danced for him, it helps... I have no dancing talents or experience though! XD

[Sam W]

Just throwing it out there that they have flavored lube too (to go on a condom. I got a salted caramel one from Lucky Bloke, to give you a sense of how much variety there is).

As far as wanting to be more active, it may help for you two just to experiment with different ways of pacing sexual activity and mixing up different activities that you both enjoy (also, adding in something like a vibrator or other toy might also help with some of the tired). It sounds like you're already kind of doing this, since you've figured out that he like it when you dance (and, at a guess, he doesn't mind that you don't have any experience). But giving yourselves permission to play, for lack of a better word, could help take some of the pressure off.

Too, even though orgasm is important to you, it may help to shift the focus for awhile away from orgasm, specifically, and onto experiencing pleasure in a broader sense.

[TheConfusedOne]

I've never tried lube specifically for bedroom play before, hmm! We do play quite a bit, I just wish I could improve all that playing. Vibrators are out of the question atm, as I don't want to buy anything solid until we get our own place, if we ever do. If I could, I probably would've been Bad Dragon's favourite customer! XD And you know when you're taking a picture and the person with the camera is taking forever to take the picture, the smile on your face just sort of stiffens up and you end up not really knowing if you're smiling or grimacing? I feel that way when I try dancing o.o It's like, what AM I doing?

What do you mean pleasure in a broader sense? And do you think if I talked to him about these conflicting feelings, it would help?

[Sam W]

I will say for vibrators, if you are interested but are worried about them being found by people you live with, we've got some tips on how to improvise them here:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexua ... ve_edition

When I refer to pleasure in the broader sense, I mean focusing on all the pleasurable sensations that can happen during sex, not just orgasm. So, for example, maybe one time you decide that you're not going to worry about orgasm at all, but you two are going to play around and see if you can discover the most ways to make each other feel good in a sexy or sensual way. That can help take some of that pressure off to "finish" is a certain way.

As for talking to your boyfriend, I think that might be sound to do. He's likely noticed your reactions a little bit, but may not know the context for them. So, explaining what's up and what you're worried about may make you both feel a little better.

[TheConfusedOne]

Interesting... Although, can vibration be used on penises without hurting?

Doesn't the pleasurable sensations build up though? Like, wouldn't you feel like you NEED an orgasm at the end of a play session, especially after all the sexy things that was done?

[Sam W]

Yep, vibrators can be used on the penis without causing damage. You just have to ease into it.

They might build up sometimes, but not always (the point of focusing more on general pleasure as the goal is less about avoiding orgasm and more about making orgasm not the only thing you focus on. If orgasm comes from that pleasure and playing around, then hey, bonus orgasm!). For instance, I know some people who really enjoy it when their partner strokes and kisses their back/neck. Sometimes, all they want from a sexy encounter is for that to happen, and when it's over they don't feel the need to then continue to something that would make them orgasm. So, while a lot of models of sexual stimulation and release do visualize it as building to orgasm, it doesn't always have to.

[Heather]

I want to pitch in an additional suggestion that I think will both help you, yourself, but also could be the perfect in to facilitate some good discussions between you and your boyfriend. Why don't both of you -- not just you, both of you -- print out and fill out Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist together? Then you can both get a sense of what each of you likes, wants and needs, and find the places where you connect and the places you don't, and be able to talk about both with each of of you having a much clearer sense of all of this.

[TheConfusedOne]

Oh! I see what you mean, Sam. Kinda like a massage! Feels good and doesn't HAVE to lead to more! I'll try that, thanks.

I'll give that a read, thanks Heather!

Edit: That is quite an interesting list! Looks very useful and would probably work well between us. I'll try it out next time he visits Thank you!