Kind of in Love with my Best Friend

[ralphie41]

So, I have been in love with my (also female) best friend (let’s call her Zoe) for about 3 months now, if not longer! I’m bi, and she had previously told me that she was straight, so I spent a lot of time telling myself that I was just imagining that she might reciprocate interest. I decided a week or so ago (after finding myself on yahoo answers for ‘help I’m in love with my straight best friend!’) that I had to tell her, even if nothing came of it. We have both been up in our new house at uni for the past few days, and last night she came out to me as bi/maybe lesbian, and I said that I had something to tell her too…. turns out that she has a crush on me too! I said that I felt the same, even though I feel like crush is a mild way of putting it… we ended up cuddling and chatting all night, but were both way too shy/nervous/TERRIFIED to kiss or do anything more, even though I think we would both have liked to… We agreed that we would try to make a go of it, but now this just seems like the most complicated thing in the world.
We have both just finished our first year of university, both do the same course and are both living in the same house for next year… all of which makes this even more complicated! We also have a 3rd very good friend (Mollie) who we’re both very close to, and we have no idea how we would tell her or how she would react…
I’m just so conflicted about what to do – I couldn’t deal with losing zoe as a friend, but I think if we tried to suppress it things might well turn weird and I might lose her anyway, without having gained anything. I’m also terrified of alienating Mollie if we told her, but we also would never manage to keep it a secret as she will also be living with us!
We’re both back at home now so I probably won’t see either of them for about a month – I need help deciding what to do! Should we start dating? Should we keep it more unofficial? Keep it secret?? Try and stay as just friends???
Tl;dr – I’m in love with my best friend and have no clue what to do!

[Emma]

First off, yay! This is so exciting--how awesome to find out your feelings are being reciprocated. This question made me smile! Also, a disclaimer: every relationship is unique and nuanced and I, as an outsider who doesn't know either of you, can't tell you exactly how to deal with this situation. I can, however, offer support and suggestions.

Now, on to your questions--I think you answered them yourself above: "I think if we tried to suppress it things might well turn weird and I might lose her anyway, without having gained anything." Now that your feelings for each other are out in the air, it might be hard to ignore your mutual crush--I also think you don't particularly want to ignore it! Relationships end, and that can lead to losing someone, but friendships do too--some of my most brutal "break ups" have been platonic relationships that just weren't working anymore. The fear of losing someone won't be helped by staying platonic in a relationship with them as opposed to letting it become romantic, so you might as well allow yourself to experience the romantic feelings you both have!

As for Mollie--I'm assuming she will be understanding and accepting of your sexualities (and if not, she may not be the best person to hang out with), so the issue is more how she'll react to having two close friends in a romantic relationship. She may feel excluded, especially if you and Zoe start going on frequent dates without her, which is totally understandable, but should not be the reason that you and Zoe don't pursue a relationship. I'd suggest you have honest conversations with Mollie (one-on-one would probably be less awkward than if you and Zoe cornered her together) about how your relationship with Zoe has evolved and how Mollie still means a lot to both of you. Plan days where all three of you can spend time together once a week at least and have frequent solo hangouts so she knows she hasn't been demoted now that you and Zoe are dating. Friendship is no less important or passionate than romance, so reassure Mollie that she won't be playing second fiddle to Zoe.

Lastly, I have never heard of a relationship kept secret ending well. I'd steer clear of secrecy (unless of course you are in a situation where being in a same-sex couple might endanger you) and allow open communication, honesty, and clarity guide you through this situation.

[ralphie41]

Thanks! Yeah I think I was just freaking out a bit earlier because I'd set myself up for disappointment so didn't really know how to act when it actually went well - I am happy it just seems kind of overwhelming!
Mollie would be completely fine with our sexualities, it definitely more that she would feel left out - she already does as she is away more often, so me and zoe do things without her... How on earth do we explain why?
It's also made more complex as a close friend of ours (who was meant to live with us now) died recently, which has made the three of us closer, but also thrown the dynamic off as a group of three is much harder I have found! So obviously we are all a bit fragile due to that.

[Sam W]

Hi ralphie,

No worries! I think, as far as talking to Mollie, it might be easier on all of you if you tell her, because then you don't feel like you need to hide this from her, and she's not wondering what the heck is up. But, of course, you have a better sense than I do about how she might respond. Does she seem okay with LGBT relationships and people, or do you have some indicators that she things it's wrong or bad?

Beyond that, you're right that it can be tricky when people in a friend group start dating. Do you want to talk about some ideas for maintaining both your friendship and your new romantic relationship?

[Heather]

I'm so sorry, by the way, to hear about the loss of your friend.

I get fragile group dynamics around this (specifically peer death, been there), and concern about leaving someone feeling left out. But I think you can remedy that without this really being any part of it. Long story short, you can just express that their friendship is something you both value, so she doesn't have to worry about that, nor seeing you less often, because you'd actually like to see what you all can't do to spend more time all together, because you've missed her, too.

Just you being the person to bring all of that to the table from the front, without her asking, will probably comfort her all by itself, really.

[ralphie41]

Ideas for maintaining friendship + romantic relationship would be great Sam, thanks! Mollie is definitely fine with LGBT+ things, she knows that I am bi and is 100% supportive.

I'm not sure if it's something I should say face to face though, and that won't be possible for over a month, when we will all be in our house for exam retakes - I also feel like that will be a stressful time so to maybe wait until after that? But then I am not sure if that is just me trying to put it off haha - I am so bad at telling people important scary declarations like that!

Also, with regards to me and zoe, I'm scared of how shy I am, and also I feel like I have no clue how to go forward - like there is no plan to follow, both on account of it being her first (fledgling) relationship, my first same sex relationship, and also the transition from friends to more, and already sharing a house. Everything feels like it is in the wrong order so I have no clue how fast or slow we should be going?

I know most of this is fruitless worrying, but as she is the person I would usually vent this to, I need to get it out somewhere!

And thanks heather, I will definitely reassure Mollie of that. If anything, she's more important as a friend now!

[Heather]

You know, sometimes the "order" for developing relationships just doesn't look like we get the idea -- an idea that's pretty arbitrary in some ways, or locked into cultural politics -- it will. That's okay: nothing wrong with a relationship with some uniqueness to it! And really, there's no plan to follow with relationships, period, unless we all just stick to a few common and often limited scripts. A big part of the journey with them (that sounds more cheesy than I mean it to), is about the process of making your own plans, with that other person or those other people.

Really, I think all of this is just stuff you figure out with a partner as you go, each talking all the while and listening, and figuring out what you both want and feel good about. The only "shoulds" with this are about what you two agree to or find feels right for you.

In terms of your friend, I wouldn't sweat it. Probably, if she's been feeling left out, better to tell her -- and not make a huge deal of it -- with a call, rather than wait another month. My concern would be telling her later instead of sooner might support feeling left out, if you get me.