Relationships

[niallujah]

I don't know if this is right place to post this but I'll just start. I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost three years now. We text each single day but I haven't met his parents and he says we never will. Sometimes, I have no idea why I'm with him. He treats me like crap and it doesn't seem like we are actually in relationship. But when we have a good day, I brush it off and I'm happy with everything I have. I want to get over him, I really do but he's literally my first everything. First kiss and so on. I deserve better and I know I do but I'm not sure what steps I need to do so I can achieve that.

[Karyn]

Hi, niallujah. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling stuck in something so crummy. It can definitely be tough to end a relationship, even if you know it's not good for you and you're not happy in it, so kudos to you for taking the first step to ending this.

Reading your post, it sounds like maybe part of the reason you're having trouble letting go is that this person was with you for a lot of first experiences; for some people, ending a relationship (especially one that had a lot of firsts in it) can be tough because they feel like breaking up would mean that they'd wasted all that time and those new experiences, like a breakup invalidates all the good stuff that happened. If that's part of what's making this hard for you, it might be worth trying to reframe your thinking around that. Just because a relationship ends - and they do all the time, for many reasons - doesn't mean it wasn't valuable and important at the time. You've also learned something, and that's valuable too: you probably have a better idea now of what your ideal relationship would look like and how you want to be treated by a partner, and that's information you can take with you into future relationships.

As for next steps, it sounds like you're feeling certain that you want to break up with him, and unfortunately there's no easy way to do that: you just have to tell him. (The exception to that is if this person is abusive and you feel that your safety might be at risk, if that's the case, we can talk about that too.) If you'd like, we can brainstorm how that might go; you could also talk to some of your friends or a parent and sort of figure out what you want to say in advance, and get their support at the same time. You might also find the breakup section of this piece (near the end) useful: Should I Stay or Should I Go?