Suicide scare? Don't know what to do about depressed ex-boyf

[NClady]

Hi,

I used to post on this forum under a different handle (I forgot the login!) and found it incredibly helpful. Thank you for being such a great resource.

First of all, I'm not in any danger of committing suicide, so no worries there.

My ex-boyfriend (ex since 4 months now) has been sending me text messages and saying things on the phone such as "f*** it all", "it doesn't matter anyway" etc. He always complains about a problem, i.e. he has to move this week unexpectedly, or his job isn't working him enough, etc. and then when I try to advise, just says something hopeless, always obviously alluding to the idea that he's going to commit suicide. Tonight he texted me, I called him, and he said "Look, I just want to say something, that I'm sorry for everything" in a very final way, which of course prodded me to ask why he was acting so weird and get into a whole conversation about suicide, etc.

We have a major history of him being manipulative while we were dating (we lived together for 2 years and were "serious" until this got really bad, had an awful breakup complete with some horrific and childish man-tamtrums, for weeks, etc., making my life miserable), in which he would have a problem and I would have to fix it. I went to therapy for "his" anxiety issues, with tremendous results, meaning that I realized that these were my issues of always fixing his problems and giving in to whatever he wanted (attention, but usually buying weed). He had some pretty massive adult-temper-tantrums in between me trying to break up with him and him actually leaving, which took a few weeks. In one of these episodes, he looked me in the eye and yelled that he was going to kill himself. In another, he promised that when I got home from work he would be gone and so would my dog. In another, he promised to go to my best friend's house and cuss her out. None of these things ever happened--he was always bluffing to get me to back down, or fix whatever the issue was, etc. Well with great friends and counseling I finally didn't, and he left.

So you can see why I think he's bluffing now, too. I really do believe, highly likely, that he is making up the suicide threat because a) he misses me and wants me back, and b) he doesn't see his life as going great right now (actually it's not so bad, really, he's a very fortunate human being), and this is how he knows how to deal with his problems--to get upset, make threats, and have me fix them. I've been talking to him and willing to be a listening ear and give advice, because I am a kind person and still care about him a great deal. I do want to try to be friends if that is possible and I thought it was.

He is, as my therapist called him, Determined to Be Stuck. I have strongly recommended many times, as I did tonight, that he seek help--that it helped me tremendously and he should give it a try--but he won't. He says no one can understand him and therapists are full of s***.

So, basically, I don't know what to do. This is making me feel very sad, and it's difficult, and I broke up with him so that this wouldn't be in my life anymore. I know that it's not my responsibility to make him OK, that it's his. I do not expect him to kill himself but he absolutely needs help and refuses to get it. But, there is a (relatively small, I think) chance that he will hurt/kill himself. If that were to happen, I would feel just awful about knowing, hearing him, and doing nothing. I try to be supportive but honestly I'm out of patience with him. I also can't bring myself to cut off communications if he wants to talk because I care too much.

I'm at a loss--what do you recommend?

Thank you
NC Lady

[Johanna]

Welcome back, NC Lady. (Do you, by any chance, remember your old screen name? It's fine to make a new one if you locked yourself out, but having a poster's history helps us help you better!)

First of all, congrats on getting help and getting out. Leaving abusive relationships is tough, and it sounds like you've done a great job of getting through that tough situation. It also sounds like you already know that what you're doing now is helpful to no one, and that your ex is continuing his abusive and manipulative behavior to keep you in his life. So my very best suggestion for you here is: cut off contact with him.

I get that that sounds like you're leaving him hanging, but that's really not what you are doing. You are not "doing nothing", as you put it - you have already gone above and beyond here, you've been supporting him, and you've been offering him suggestions for how he can help himself. But he is an adult, and he can make his own choices, and if he wants to choose not to help himself, then there is nothing you can do for him.

If it helps you to let go, you can call a friend or family member of his, let them know that you are concerned about his well-being and safety, but that you cannot continue to support him. That way, you know someone else knows he is is not doing well, and he has someone else that he can reach out to.

But I really thing that everyone is served best if you walk away from this, and focus on yourself and your own well-being.

[NClady]

Thank you for replying and for those thoughts. I think you are probably right. I suppose my next step is convincing myself that I should/want to cut off contact with him. I miss him terribly, I miss the good things of course, though I remember all the bad stuff clearly too and I'm very solid and confident in my decision to not be in a relationship with him anymore. The fact is that I don't want to not speak with him anymore. I guess that's selfish of me? I don't know why--after everything it makes a lot of sense to be totally done with him and all communications, but I'm always half pained and half happy to talk to him.

I think you are right and I need to find a way to work through accepting that we really are completely over. I was hoping we could stay in touch and be some sort of friends.

[Redskies]

Hi, NClady.

I'm really sorry you're going through this - that someone you care about has and is behaving so poorly to you, and is Determined To Be Stuck.

I think it's worth remembering that it's usually much more difficult to let something go when it's something that we've been invested in for a long time, as you clearly have been with this person and relationship. Too - although it seems counter-intuitive at first - it's usually a lot harder to let something go that hasn't been working long-term than to let something go that was good. If something's not been working and we've been trying to make it work or make it better, that's a lot of time, energy and hope that we've invested, and it can be very hard to wak away without any of the outcome that we were hoping for. If we're having to let a good thing go, while that's often still very sad and challenging, at least we can know what we had and see that - for whatever reason - we don't have it any more. When we had a complicated, unhealthy thing, what we've had is a sense of potential, of what it might have been if something was better, of what we wish we had. "Potential" is not really a tangible thing, so it's much harder to let go.

I hear how hard this is for you. My best suggestion is to try to accept reality for what it is: you wish you could have a healthier, more functional friendship with this person, but that is not what he is offering, and he is showing no sign of being able to offer it. "Healthy friendship" just isn't in the range of options available for you to choose between.

In what you're saying, I think I'm hearing some sense of loss. When we're feeling that, it's usually really helpful to acknowledge it, and to know that all loss is hard, and it's okay to grieve for what we've wished we had as well as what we actually had. Perhaps reframing "accepting it's over" into "grieving the loss of the friendship you've been wishing for" might be helpful for you.

[NClady]

Thank you very much for that. This is very helpful.

He does have friends and family in the area. I am going to do my best to not communicate with him anymore, and allow them to be a resource for him if he truly needs to seek help from someone. I can't do more than I've already done.

[Redskies]

I'm very glad to be able to help.

I think you say so very much indeed in the few words "I can't do more than I've already done". Sometimes, that can be the only truth we need, and the only one that matters.

Do you need any help with the not-communicating part, or anything else around this?

[NClady]

Probably not. This has given me some perspective. I do think it will be very difficult for me to stick with the plan of not talking to him. I will try.

[Karyn]

Do you have a friend or family member who could help you with that? Maybe someone you could get in touch with if/when you're having a hard time sticking to your plan?

[Heather]

If you're not doing this already, it might also help to talk with your therapist about WHY you think you continue to leave the door open to him -- which primarily means allowing him to still manipulate and emotionally abuse you. Sometimes what makes cutting off contact hard is that we're not really in touch with, or truthful to yourselves about, the why of continued contact.

Once we know our why's -- be that about still being attached to our fantasy about what the relationship should have been, or the honeymoon phases of abuse, not wanting to accept or believe that someone we love or care for is abusive and won't change (especially if we keep doors open to them that enable them), or an attempt to change that person or have some control over THEM, just as common examples -- it can become a lot easier to close the door.

I'd also suggest you look at how you even titled this: you said he was depressed, and from what I can gather, who knows if he is or isn't. But what's clear is that he's mostly just continuing to use what ways he can to keep manipulating you and getting you to react to him. He probably isn't depressed, or if he is, that's now what's really going on here. What's really going on here is that he already learned, when with you, that you'll react to certain things and engage with him if he pulls them out, so he's just continuing to do that because he can, and you're giving him avenues to still do that with you by not blocking him from your phone.

(That's not a "this is your fault," btw. Hoping that was clear, but wanted to comment on it just in case it wasn't. This is his doing, it's just about looking at what you're doing to give him the opportunity to do it with you, and what you can do to shut down those opportunities.)

[NClady]

Thank you. That all does help very much.

I will not talk to him anymore. All of those words are helpful reminders of why.

Do you think we will ever be able to talk and be friends on any level, down the road?

[Redskies]

I don't, no. His behaviour has been consistently manipulative both when you were in a relationship and after you've broken up. When someone's so manipulative, they almost never change that, and especially not towards someone they've already behaved like that to. He seems very committed to staying as he is: I'd wager he was so unhappy about therapists because he doesn't want to change his behaviour and doesn't want to be told - or have anyone else told, like you - that his behaviour isn't okay, let alone consider changing it.

I know that's not the answer you were hoping for, and I'm sorry it's like this - these things always suck so much. Please know that the basically hopeless prospect here isn't on you and isn't about you: if there was anything you could do to make this actually work for you as a friendship, we'd tell you. The non-working is all about his manipulative behaviour and that there is truly nothing anyone else can do to change that. A lot of people try, much like you already have, but for a lot longer, and it comes out the same way: more manipulation, heartache and disappointment.

[NClady]

Okay. Thanks very much for your responses.

[Heather]

I'd also add that it's awfully hard to let go of something if we're still holding onto it.

In other words, if you're very attached to the idea that someday this person will be a different person than they've shown you they are, and that thus, you'll have a radically different relationship with them than you have, letting go of them now and closing the doors for them to continue to manipulate you is going to be mighty difficult.

I get it: wanting someone to treat you with kindness and care who hasn't is certainly understandable. However, we can want and wish that all we want, but that's not going to change someone's behaviour. Same goes for not wanting to let go of the glimmers of person you have had in the past who wasn't always acting poorly: I get that, too. But again, if you leave your doors open here, it's very clear he's just going to come in and behave the same ways he has been. And he's only going to change, if he is, if he wants to. Who knows if he does or ever will, but if you don't change YOUR behaviour -- like giving him any opportunity to continue to manipulate and emotionally abuse you -- then he doesn't have to change, and is only going to get the message there's no reason for him to, since at least one person is going to let him stay the same.

Make sense?

[NClady]

It absolutely does make sense. Thank you. He has texted me about once per day that last few days and I just delete and ignore the texts--I suppose the next step is to block the number. I know he just wants attention, which he's not going to get. I've also started dating again, which helps to have somebody else to think about!

[Heather]

Good on you!