Going Home for Winter Break

[MusicNerd]

[TW: mention of break-ins, home invasion, abusive parents]

hey there! so, to make a long story very short: over winter break, i can't stay in the housing near my college and i have to go home and stay with my parents. there's a higher risk of break-ins happening over winter break in the housing near my campus, so instead of risking the threat of being attacked (which is unfortunately likely, since one of my friends last year actually experienced a break-in in my area last year) i decided to go home. if i could help it i really, really, really would not go home. i've even avoided living with my parents every summer and found ways to pay my own rent and find temporary housing, so i definitely prefer living away from them even when it's not the school year.

what's so bad about going home? my parents are emotionally and mentally abusive. well specifically, my mom is narcissistic (only realized this earlier this year when someone showed me some articles about narcissistic mothers, and way too much of it rang true to my experiences) and my dad enables her abuse. the last time i was home was for a day and a half for thanksgiving break, and even for that short amount of time i had a total mental breakdown afterwards. it was really horrible.

i already know to expect a lot of gaslighting from my mom and guilt-tripping from my dad and other shitty things from my parents while they pretend everything's ~perfect~, but that never makes the experience any less shitty for me whenever i'm home. being with them always sets me back so much in terms of my mental health, hence why i avoid talking to them or being anywhere near them during the school year. like, it made me so mad once i realized i had to go home, because my mom was like, "see, dad? she loves us, that's why she's coming home!!" when really, in my mind, i was like, "actually, i'd just rather not risk being attacked by a burglar within the next couple weeks while none of my housemates are here, and that's the only reason why i'm going home".

i mean, i know i should be grateful that i even have a place to live that would physically keep me safe over break, and also access to free food, but like.... the emotional and mental toll really gets me every time i'm with them or have to interact with them in some way.

i'm trying to think about ways to stay out of the house for most of the day, since that might be my only hope for keeping some bit of my sanity, and i've been planning on visiting different friends of mine who don't live too far from me, but even still-- if i had such a strong reaction to staying with my parents for only a day-and-a-half last time, then idk how i'm gonna handle 2 weeks with them. i really don't wanna regress any more in my mental health, especially when i feel like i've been making some really great progress lately. what should i do?

[Sam W]

Hi Musicnerd,

Urgh, I'm sorry, that sounds like a no fun situation to deal with. It sounds like you're already doing some planning for how to take care of yourself, which is great. Being out of the house as much as possible is a good strategy (is there volunteer work or even paid work that you could pick up as a way to be out more?) One thought I have is: would it be possible to couch surf or stay with a friend during the break? Or is there other family nearby who you feel safer around who you could stay with. And, if you haven't, maybe plan to go back to your college space as soon as you know someone else is going to be back.

If you're seeing a counselor at all, if you're able to it would also be sound to schedule an appointment with them for very soon after you come back from seeing your family. That will give you a space to process whatever ends up happening.

[Redskies]

I'm so sorry

I know you said you wouldn't go if you could possibly help it, so we're taking you at your word and working from there. Even so, I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job here properly if I didn't say that, on the basis of what you said here and that you asked us what you should do, our first answer would be not to go if you have absolutely any other option at all. Heading into emotional violence - which is what you're describing - is just as serious and unadvisable as heading into physical violence would be. I'm concerned, just like you are, about the possible harm done to you and the negative impacts on your health and recovery process from the emotional abuse you've already experienced.

I do have some more suggestions extra to Sam's that I'm very happy to put your way if you're out of other options. I did want to check first, though, that there isn't any figuring-out or trouble-shooting we can help you with so that you can just not be in abuse at all, or in it less.

[Heather]

Cosign to Redskies there. Especially since, honestly, it sounds like your home means guaranteed attacks and dangers, while your dorm is only a maybe.

As someone who lived in very unsafe neighborhoods and buildings when it came to crime for a long time -- and also didn't have a home to go back to at college breaks, so I was almost always totally alone on our very small and generally in-an-unsafe-area campus, besides -- I'd certainly be happy to talk to you about some things you could do to protect yourself and your room on campus if that would make you feel more able to stay there, and staying there as safely as possible feels better to you than going home.

[MusicNerd]

Hey Sam and Redskies! Thank you so so much for your speedy replies, especially considering this is a sorta time-sensitive issue, and I didn't know I'd need to leave my current housing for break until very recently so this is all a whirlwind for me-- I know you're all probably so busy as it is, so I really appreciate it. This is gonna be kind of a long post since I'm addressing both of your questions/ideas.

Being out of the house as much as possible is a good strategy (is there volunteer work or even paid work that you could pick up as a way to be out more?) One thought I have is: would it be possible to couch surf or stay with a friend during the break? Or is there other family nearby who you feel safer around who you could stay with. And, if you haven't, maybe plan to go back to your college space as soon as you know someone else is going to be back.

mm, no there isn't any volunteer/paid work I could do in my area that I'm aware of. I was thinking about couch-surfing, but I wouldn't wanna impose on any one of my friends too much, so I'd have to go to multiple houses. I'm thinking about asking one of my friends, who's also gone through some really bad instances of emotional abuse from her mom to the point that she moved out and is living in her own studio apartment near where I currently live (but not near university housing, so I think it'd be safer there). I'll text her today and see what she says, because I think she'd let me stay for a bit longer than a few days if she could. *fingers crossed*

I'm already planning on visiting one of my friends starting tomorrow and going until Monday, so that'll be fun to see her, but I need to think of other places to go (that have internet, since I'm still unfortunately turning in assignments over break). And I can't stay with any families near where I live, because it's an apartment complex and I don't know the other neighbors at all, really (except for some coworkers of my dad, but they wouldn't be a good choice given the situation).

If you're seeing a counselor at all, if you're able to it would also be sound to schedule an appointment with them for very soon after you come back from seeing your family. That will give you a space to process whatever ends up happening.

I don't currently have a counselor, and was planning on doing a more intensive search during break for one.

I know you said you wouldn't go if you could possibly help it, so we're taking you at your word and working from there. Even so, I feel like I wouldn't be doing my job here properly if I didn't say that, on the basis of what you said here and that you asked us what you should do, our first answer would be not to go if you have absolutely any other option at all. Heading into emotional violence - which is what you're describing - is just as serious and unadvisable as heading into physical violence would be. I'm concerned, just like you are, about the possible harm done to you and the negative impacts on your health and recovery process from the emotional abuse you've already experienced.

Hey Redskies! hmm, I hadn't thought about it exactly as "emotional violence," but reminding me that it's no better than physical violence is a bit of a (good) wake-up call that I need to find a way to be home as little as possible.

I already told them I'd be there for Christmas Eve/Day, and I think I can handle that since it's a set short time-limit in my mind, and I'd feel really bad if I didn't do that. It's also tricky for me, because I know my parents are planning on giving me some money for Christmas (and mind you, we're not wealthy, so it means something that they're even doing that), and I'm a college student who's currently without a job (planning on looking for another work-study over break) but luckily I have a good bit of money early from my financial aid office that I think could hold me off for 2 weeks (most of which will be going to rent, but still-- way better than nothing).

The thing is, my parents have helped me out quite a bit financially when I left my job this semester (due to some very necessary physical health reasons) and needed money for food/transportation, so I feel two things:
1. guilty-- because they don't have a ton of money themselves and they were still willing to help me out as much as they could this semester, and I know on some level they care about me to the point that they don't want me homeless or hungry, but also I'm feeling--
2. angry-- because I feel like on some level they're trying to buy what little dependence I have on them or something, even if they're not consciously thinking that (and mind you considering i've found my own ways of getting rent together and making student financial services give me money early, etc.-- the fact that i'm currently without a job is literally the only bit of dependence I have on them and they also pay for my tuition, too)

I do have some more suggestions extra to Sam's that I'm very happy to put your way if you're out of other options. I did want to check first, though, that there isn't any figuring-out or trouble-shooting we can help you with so that you can just not be in abuse at all, or in it less.

yes, any more suggestions would be great, thank you so much! i only have but so many friends in the city whose couches/houses I could stay in for a few days at a time, so really any suggestions are welcome.

i guess another thing i'll add is that: they don't do as much overt emotional abuse anymore like they did when i was a kid (probably in part due to the fact that i limit my contact with them as much as possible, unless they message me first, in which case i feel obligated to respond but only for a short amount of time), they just tend to do more ignoring of any abuse they've done, especially when i bring it up (like my mom flat-out has said she doesn't regret anything she's done to me about a certain thing, since it's all 'cause she "cared"). and my dad still tries to guilt-trip me by being like, "i love you and miss you and wanna talk to you on the phone, why do you never have time to talk? are you not coming home for christmas?! i'll talk to you more when you're done your exams and have more time to talk."

so, because it's not as bad as it used to be when i was a kid (since i've fought, like really fought, for my independence to sustain myself as soon as i left for college), i figure maybe i'm overreacting and should just go home and be happy for the free food and low-hassle to find shelter. but on the other hand, another part of my brain is wondering if this is another part of the abuse just trying to rationalize its way into coping with going back to them, and also because a part of me wishes that they truly did genuinely love and care about me as much as they claim they do... god, i'm starting to cry, damn. but yeah, even though they aren't as bad about it anymore, just being there with them brings me back to being a kid and feeling helpless, and then all the toxic messaging i got from them when i was younger feels like it's all coming back full-force (which definitely isn't helpful for my inner child).

[MusicNerd]

Cosign to Redskies there. Especially since, honestly, it sounds like your home means guaranteed attacks and dangers, while your dorm is only a maybe.

As someone who lived in very unsafe neighborhoods and buildings when it came to crime for a long time -- and also didn't have a home to go back to at college breaks, so I was almost always totally alone on our very small and generally in-an-unsafe-area campus, besides -- I'd certainly be happy to talk to you about some things you could do to protect yourself and your room on campus if that would make you feel more able to stay there, and staying there as safely as possible feels better to you than going home.

Hey Heather! Sorry, I just saw your response as I was typing my last one, but thanks for answering me, too.

Well, the area I live in isn't a dorm, it's a rowhouse off-campus with windows and glass making up a lot of the doors that I'll be all by myself in. If you have any suggestions on how I could feel safer in my home and how to protect myself, that would also be another great option for me, since the anxiety of staying alone in this big house with an increase in break-ins for two weeks is stirring up some anxiety. I've had some ideas like keeping some lights on all night in different rooms (but i'd feel awkward about going into other people's rooms) to make it seem like people were still living here (just a reminder of one of the things my family used to similarly do when we lived in the hood and would be out of the house), but I'm short of other ideas, so anything on that front would be helpful as well.

[Heather]

Okay! (Btw, I feel you so much on some of the family dynamics you are describing, I just can't even. I am so sorry.)

I am off for the day to check in on the parent of mine I provide care for, but will come back later with ideas. One biggie from the sound of this housing (mine in college wasn't a dorm either) is if you could find someone to stay there with you?

[MusicNerd]

Thanks so much, Heather. I'm so sorry you also had to go through toxic family dynamics, but I'm glad you're someone I can be in solidarity with. <3

Yeah, I might just text my friend who lives in her studio apartment that I mentioned earlier to see if she'd like to stay with me for a bit as one of the options-- but if not, then hopefully she'll let me crash at her place for a bit of time. But I also doubt she'll wanna be in an area that's potentially gonna have an increase in break-ins, so...

Also, my landlord's gonna come in a few times over break to make sure there haven't been any break-ins, so that's also pretty good.

Also, my mom just texted me asking me what time she should pick me up on Tuesday, so I need to figure out a way to lie to her and say I'll be fine so I'm currently working on that right now and that's not helping with my stress (she already knows about the increase of home invasion in my area). So yeah, all of this is very much not conducive to me finishing my assignments. *sigh*

[Redskies]

I think the priority here is to figure out practical solutions to keep you away from abuse as much as possible, so it doesn't seem like quite the right time to immediately dig into the feelings and dynamics you're talking about. I did want to say a few things that might be helpful to you in the here-and-now, though.

You are absolutely not over-reacting in feeling and responding as you do about this. When we're on the receiving end of emotional abuse by caregivers when we're kids or teens, they basically install pain-buttons in us that are specific to the kinds of ways they treated us badly and the kinds of abusive or toxic dynamics and behaviours we were exposed to. When we get older, they only have to put the lightest of touches on any of those specific pain-buttons, and it sets it off. It's not a coincidence; it's the way they primed us to respond, and they're intentionally carrying on using the buttons they installed (whatever mix of deliberate and subconscious the intention might be). The context of our childhood/youth really, really matters; even if what's happening now doesn't seem, in isolation, all that bad (although seriously even if, what you're describing sounds mind-fucking and crappy), that's not the real story and it absolutely must be seen in the whole context. When a parent/caregiver is activating pain buttons that they installed, they're activating the previous emotional abuse that they used those buttons for. It is absolutely reasonable to consider any pain-button activation as a continuation of the emotional abuse and a genuine harm to well-being, and to do whatever we can to keep clear of it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Some differences in dynamics, but my household of origin was also emotionally abusive and toxic, so, raising another hand of understanding here. Also have felt those helpless, terribly sad, and guilty feelings; sending internet hugs if wanted.

For what to tell your mom: maybe you could say something about needing to stay for something to do with schoolwork, or a friend needing you? If possible, an excuse like that tends to work best if it is slightly connected to some real-world truth - for example, if that friend does have something not-ideal going on even if they don't actually need any assistance with it, or if it's schoolwork that does need doing even if you don't actually need to be there to do it.

[MusicNerd]

You are absolutely not over-reacting in feeling and responding as you do about this. When we're on the receiving end of emotional abuse by caregivers when we're kids or teens, they basically install pain-buttons in us that are specific to the kinds of ways they treated us badly and the kinds of abusive or toxic dynamics and behaviours we were exposed to. When we get older, they only have to put the lightest of touches on any of those specific pain-buttons, and it sets it off. It's not a coincidence; it's the way they primed us to respond, and they're intentionally carrying on using the buttons they installed (whatever mix of deliberate and subconscious the intention might be).

Yeah, nowadays they don't even need to do anything super awful to trigger something in me, so it's good to know that I'm not being "too sensitive" or overreacting or making something out of nothing. I hadn't thought about them intentionally using those buttons still, but I could also see how that would make sense if that's what they were doing.

The context of our childhood/youth really, really matters; even if what's happening now doesn't seem, in isolation, all that bad (although seriously even if, what you're describing sounds mind-fucking and crappy), that's not the real story and it absolutely must be seen in the whole context. When a parent/caregiver is activating pain buttons that they installed, they're activating the previous emotional abuse that they used those buttons for. It is absolutely reasonable to consider any pain-button activation as a continuation of the emotional abuse and a genuine harm to well-being, and to do whatever we can to keep clear of it.

Yeah, "mind-fucking" is the perfect way to describe it honestly. Like, sometimes it may seem like my mom genuinely cares and understands me when I've opened to her, but then she'd use my feelings against me in arguments and then it'd be back to square one-- so I've learned not to open up to her about anything honestly. I just don't feel safe at home (it's hard for me to call it "home," honestly). But yeah, pain-button activation-- hadn't heard of that 'til now but it makes total sense, and it definitely sums up what makes me wanna stay away from them even more.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Some differences in dynamics, but my household of origin was also emotionally abusive and toxic, so, raising another hand of understanding here. Also have felt those helpless, terribly sad, and guilty feelings; sending internet hugs if wanted.

Thanks, I really appreciate your internet hugs. I'm so sorry you had to deal with a toxic and emotionally abusive household, too. Those feelings are never fun. *hugs back* <3

For what to tell your mom: maybe you could say something about needing to stay for something to do with schoolwork, or a friend needing you? If possible, an excuse like that tends to work best if it is slightly connected to some real-world truth - for example, if that friend does have something not-ideal going on even if they don't actually need any assistance with it, or if it's schoolwork that does need doing even if you don't actually need to be there to do it.

I think I might try the friend thing, and mix in some schoolwork as well saying I need access to the campus libraries for my senior thesis and whatnot.

[MusicNerd]

UPDATE: To continue off my post right above this one here, my friend with the studio apartment isn't getting back to me (she might be at work, not responding, lost her phone, idk), so now I'm currently compiling a list of people I could contact if she doesn't get back to me by like midnight tonight.

I also texted my parents saying I wanted to stick around for a friend who's going through a life crisis and doesn't have too many people in my city to turn to, and also that I have to catch up on my senior thesis and to be near campus for resources and labs. Both of those things are kinda true, so I went and sent that info in addition to saying that I'll still be coming home for Christmas, though....... I got no response from either of them and some time has passed. That's very unusual for them, so I'm thinking they probably know something's up. (mini-update: they just responded so everything seems okay for now-- i'll only have to stay one night with them from christmas eve to christmas day)

Ugh, god this is so stressful and I really don't need any of this right now considering I have an essay due in like 9 hours today that I'm totally bs-ing.

Also, I'm gonna be on here all-day and not away from my computer anymore, so if you wanna keep talking to me I'll be able to respond faster than I have been earlier today!

[Ashleah]

Hey MusicNerd,

Just letting you know that Sam and Redskies are away for the day. I do think Heather intended to check back in with you this evening. Right now it's just me lol.

I more than happy to continue to brainstorm with you, but looks like y'all have started to come up with a plan for the winter break and you are just waiting to see how those details play out. (Waiting can be the hardest part though...ugh)

Do I have this right, you will be staying at your apartment near campus for a couple extra days? If so how many?

[MusicNerd]

Hey Ashleah! Yeah, I know Heather is planning on checking back sometime whenever she's free (since she mentioned being today being her off-day, so I just assumed she wasn't gonna be on for the rest of today). So yeah, totally not trying to bug anyone to respond, just letting folks know that I'm available to talk whenever (sorry if it's coming off as bugging in any way, since that's definitely not what I intended-- like, i understand that y'all have lives and need to live them lol).

Well, tonight is my last night staying at my house near campus before I leave for a friend's place tomorrow morning. I'll be at her place from tomorrow til Monday, and then after that idk what I'll be doing. I'll be with my parents for Christmas and that's about it.

I'd be willing to brainstorm some ideas with you though, so thanks!

[MusicNerd]

But like, also please don't feel obligated to if you don't want to right now, like I can wait around.

I'm sorry, I don't want to be a burden to anyone here, honestly.

[Ashleah]

You aren't coming off as bugging at all! I just wanted to let you know what was going on in this side since this is something that you want and need to get figured out pretty soon-ish. Plus I knew that you were checking back.

I'm glad to see that you have something in place for the next couple days! Since you have plans for the initial part of your break and that is squared away do you think you would be able to let this sit for a bit to get your paper done (more specifically 9 hours lol-possibly with some self care first)? I ask because when people have a lot of things going on sometimes it can be helpful to get task out of the way. Right now it sounds like your attention is split, and understandably so.

Also, are you opposed to going ahead and contacting your other friends before hearing back from your friend with the studio? That way you can possibly get more days squared away for now or later in the break.

[Ashleah]

And you are no burden at all Seriously.

[MusicNerd]

Actually, I just heard back from my friend with the studio apartment! So, basically she moved out and is in another state, but she's still paying the bills for it and she has an air mattress and all that. Only thing is, since her landlord doesn't know she moved out, I'm thinking it's probably not super-legal for me to be staying there under the guise of her being there... :/ So, that's one potential option and I told her I needed to get some things squared away first before taking her up on that, but that I'd get back to her soon.

Now that I have that as a potential option, I think I'll probably also hit up my friends starting after I finish my paper (or maybe during a short break today) and see if I can stay with some of them over break.

And thanks, I really appreciate you saying that.

[Ashleah]

Awesome. That sounds like a really great option, especially if you want some time to your self at any point (or to just have as a back up if other plans fall through).

[MusicNerd]

Yeah, for sure. I'll still keep messaging folks later, but for now I'll work on my paper due tonight (now in 7 hours). *sigh*

Thanks for taking time to chat with me, Ashleah!

[Heather]

Still away, but seeing this on my phone. Leases are not going to limit a houseguest or sitter just because the person renting has moved out, so I see no cause for concern about the law here.

[MusicNerd]

Still away, but seeing this on my phone. Leases are not going to limit a houseguest or sitter just because the person renting has moved out, so I see no cause for concern about the law here.

hmm, okay! that's really good to know-- her lease doesn't end until the end of january anyway (and i'll be leaving within the 1st week of january or so). i guess i'll take my friend up on her offer then!

[Heather]

So, she didn't skip out on the rent or anything. Seriously, this is a non-issue: leases don't prohibit renters from having housesitters or houseguests or require a tenant to be present when they have guests. That would be beyond prohibitive!

This sounds like a great solution for you! Do you still want/need some extra safety tips while you're staying there, or do you feel like having this other place to stay pretty much solves this for you?

[MusicNerd]

yeah, this really is a great solution! i'm really lucky to have such a great friend who's willing to do this for me (and she totally understood considering she also came from a toxic household herself).

honestly some extra safety tips couldn't hurt, if you'd like to share them-- i have some in mind already, but i could very well be missing something i didn't think of since i'm not used to living entirely by myself.

[MusicNerd]

also, some tips on how to cope with being alone for winter break would also be nice, too, since i also haven't done that either.

[Heather]

I'll be a little random with some of this, and hopefully that's okay!
• Make a bookmarked list of youtube videos or MPG files with big, barking dogs. If you feel scared or insecure, play a couple: if someone were lurking about, they'd usually move on if they hear what sounds like a scary dog. (At times I lived alone without dogs, if I felt worried about someone outside my place or window, I'd even have a loud conversation between myself and someone else by making up a second-voice. It was easy to make that sound natural because laughing was no problem, as I felt quite silly about it. But realistically, again, no one wants to break into a house where it seems like people are going to notice, and people sounding there and alert makes clear people would notice.)
• Use lights and curtains as you need to.
• If the dark feels less safe for you than the light, waking up super-early and going to bed early may help.
• To avoid doing things like grocery walks alone, do what you can to stock up at the start of your stay, and then try and limit errand runs to daylight hours. Just do what you can not to telegraph that you're alone where you live.
• If you're someone who thinks they'd feel better with something like pepper spray, a portable foghorn or loud whistle for self-defense, by all means, get one or more of those things.

Per being alone, it sounded like you were going to be doing some schoolwork over that time, but you know, not all of us -- and not me, specifically -- celebrate holidays here, so you are certainly welcome to hang out around here as much as you'd like over that time.

Heck, you mentioned you're out of any work: write a piece for us during that time! I know you've got yourself some mad op-ed skills for a fact.

Personally, I love being alone, and when I know I can get opportunities for real alone time, I tend to go to a place of "Oh boy! What have I been aching to do by myself that I can't do with others around, or isn't as fun?" For example, if I want to practice an instrument, I can not have to worry about driving someone else bonkers by working on the same thing over and over and over again. Or, I can experiment with cooking new things where I know I'll feel less bad if they all turn out to be total fails. Learn new dance moves! Sing loudly in the shower! Marathon the crap out of a show to a degree that were anyone else around, you'd feel embarrassed at being suck a slacker. In other words, you can treat it a bit like a staycation and get dreamy about the greatness of being alone.