hey there! so, to make a long story very short: over winter break, i can't stay in the housing near my college and i have to go home and stay with my parents. there's a higher risk of break-ins happening over winter break in the housing near my campus, so instead of risking the threat of being attacked (which is unfortunately likely, since one of my friends last year actually experienced a break-in in my area last year) i decided to go home. if i could help it i really, really, really would not go home. i've even avoided living with my parents every summer and found ways to pay my own rent and find temporary housing, so i definitely prefer living away from them even when it's not the school year.
what's so bad about going home? my parents are emotionally and mentally abusive. well specifically, my mom is narcissistic (only realized this earlier this year when someone showed me some articles about narcissistic mothers, and way too much of it rang true to my experiences) and my dad enables her abuse. the last time i was home was for a day and a half for thanksgiving break, and even for that short amount of time i had a total mental breakdown afterwards. it was really horrible.
i already know to expect a lot of gaslighting from my mom and guilt-tripping from my dad and other shitty things from my parents while they pretend everything's ~perfect~, but that never makes the experience any less shitty for me whenever i'm home. being with them always sets me back so much in terms of my mental health, hence why i avoid talking to them or being anywhere near them during the school year. like, it made me so mad once i realized i had to go home, because my mom was like, "see, dad? she loves us, that's why she's coming home!!" when really, in my mind, i was like, "actually, i'd just rather not risk being attacked by a burglar within the next couple weeks while none of my housemates are here, and that's the only reason why i'm going home".
i mean, i know i should be grateful that i even have a place to live that would physically keep me safe over break, and also access to free food, but like.... the emotional and mental toll really gets me every time i'm with them or have to interact with them in some way.
i'm trying to think about ways to stay out of the house for most of the day, since that might be my only hope for keeping some bit of my sanity, and i've been planning on visiting different friends of mine who don't live too far from me, but even still-- if i had such a strong reaction to staying with my parents for only a day-and-a-half last time, then idk how i'm gonna handle 2 weeks with them. i really don't wanna regress any more in my mental health, especially when i feel like i've been making some really great progress lately.
![Sad :(](./images/smilies/icon_e_sad.gif)