Depressed Boyfriend

[Bluebird2020]

Hello My boyfriend and I had been together for a year and 10 months. We are really close and get along great we don't argue and we love each other very much. Unfortunately back in December we broke up, my boyfriend was having family issues, quit is job, wasn't able to relieve stress in the way he does (fishing) and broke up with me. We got back together after he texted me asking if I was mad at him. We talked for weeks and then we got back together. So about a week ago my boyfriend broke up with me. My boyfriend has grown up around divorce, his mother and father are divorced and his father is in his third marriage. His father has been with this woman for 7 years so my boyfriend got used to life with her and grew up with her. She cheated on his father and now they are getting a divorce. Soon after a friend of my boyfriend committed suicide. After this he quit his job and broke up with me. Of course I was devastated but told him I understood he needed space and let him be. Yesterday he texted me asking if I hated him, we started talking and later he called me and we talked for hours and I got more of a sense of the situation. These are the signs that have me convinced he is depressed

-He drives to school leaves school and drives around until night so he can avoid being home

-He keeps his belongings and clothes in his truck

-He barely eats, about a tiny amount of food a day even though he could get food

-He quit his job

-He broke up with me

-He says he hates school and says he wants to drop out even though he doesn't usually feel that way and he only has 9 months left before he graduates

-He has been driving recklessly (wrong side of the road, speeding, texting and driving)

-He is having trouble sleeping (3 hours a night)

There are a few more reasons and I'm worried about him, I love our life together and I want him to be happy. Last time after talking to me and being together he came out of his depression and we got back together. I'm hoping the same thing will happen and we get back together because I miss him and I love him more than words can explain. Its hard on me though also when he goes through his depression and all I can do is be there for him. What can I do to keep him happy? when we talked on the phone he rambled on for hours and seemed so happy to talk to me. If we get back together what are some things I can do to keep him happy? also I'm pretty sure he is very depressed do you agree? and do you think he broke up with me because of his depression? Thank you so much! I'm very sure he is depressed and I just want to be there for him and help him through it I'm worried about him. Thank you so much again!

[marianthe]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this- it can be so hard when someone you love is struggling with mental health issues, and it does sound to me like your boyfriend has a lot on his plate. We can't know whether or not he is depressed, but it sounds like with everything going on for him he could really use a counselor or therapist. It sounds like the best way you might be able to support him right now is to recommend he find a mental health professional to talk to, they can get a more clear read on his mental state and recommend appropriate therapies or medicine. Is that something you can do?

I also want to make it clear that you are not at all responsible for making him happy, nor do you (or anyone else) have that ability. I so understand that you want to be there for him, but if he is suffering from depression, that is much bigger than the relationship he has with you and he needs to seek help from other sources than depending on you and your relationship. While having support systems is very important for good mental health- relationships also cannot save or fix people. He may know that with what he is going through right now, he cannot be a good partner or handle a relationship, although he clearly depends on your care and friendship being there when he wants it, which doesn't sound like it feels very good for you. It may be that in order to give him the best chance to heal and you some space from feeling hurt by his distance along with responsible for helping him, space from the relationship would be best.

[Heather]

And for you, I really like the book, "How You Can Cope When They're Depressed," by Anne Sheffield. As someone who has had many people in my life I am close to struggling with depression, I found it incredibly helpful. It also addresses some of the things or misconceptions - like that you even could keep him from being depressed, or that depression is really about happy/unhappy in the first place - you have brought up in your post very well, IMO.