Best friend issues

[ballerina99]

My best friend and I have been bestet I ends for nearly 15 years. I love her dearly and want her to be happy. Recently I found out she's been doing drugs. I don't know what to do. I don't do drugs, and I have to idea how to approach the problem. I've been telling myself to just forget about it because I'm not her mother and I don't need to worry about what she does I should just be supportive. But I'm having a really tough time with that. It's not a good life choice and I don't want her to continue. I feel like I should confront her about it, but I don't want to invade her privacy. She doesn't tell me all that much about her life and it makes me feel really bad about myself as a friend. I want to be someone who she can trust, but I feel like she thinks I'm too immature to handle what's going on in her life when the truth is I just want to help and be supportive. I'm just really upset and I don't know how to deal with this. Thanks so much.

[Sam W]

Hi ballerina99,

If you and your friend are close, I think it's within bounds for you to express your worries to her. I will say that the more concrete these worries are, the easier they will be to express (so, "I am worried because drugs are bad" may be less likely to reach her than "I am worried because I've noticed you're dropping a scary amount of weight/not doing your school work/etc" is). I would bring it up once and see how she responds, and then decide what you are going to do from there.

One caveat to this is where you're getting your information. Has she told you herself, or did you find out from someone else?

[Heather]

I'd also add to what Sam has said that it is usually a good idea, when we know we have very strong opinions about something in this kind of situation, to check ourselves to be sure we're actually the right person to talk to someone about the subject at hand.

In other words, you clearly feel that doing drugs -- I'm not sure exactly what that means to you, but I'm going to assume you mean using substances like drugs and alcohol recreationally -- is just bad, period, no matter what kind of substance we're talking about or how it's being used. If that's something you think you can't manage and rein in in a conversation with someone doing any of that, you might not be the best person to talk with her about this, and someone with less bias -- whose opinions aren't quite as strong or as black-and-white -- might be better, because they can talk about it in a way that is more nuanced, and your friend will probably be better able to hear and feel able to engage with and be honest about.

On the other hand, if you feel able to talk in a more gentle, nuanced way, without putting that strong opinion out there, then you may still be a good person to talk to her about this.

Another option, if you're unsure about your capacity here, and your ability to have a gentle talk despite that strong opinion, one where you might even be open to having some of your opinions challenged, is to go a way Sam suggested, which is to keep your focus on what makes you concerned about her drug use besides "drugs are bad," like the impacts you're seeing in HOW she is using recreational drugs, things like changes in her health, setting aside anything in her life she loves, depression, unhealthy relationships, etc.

[ballerina99]

I don't know if I could talk to her or not. She's very stubborn and usually not that easy to approach about those type of thing. She also has a different idea about drugs and alcohol. I think underage people like ourselves should use them but she doesn't really seem to see a problem. I would consider talking to her but I don't think she wants me to know.

[Heather]

So, it sounds like you just might not be her best person for this: that's okay, none of us can be everything to everyone.

Plus, if she hasn't even told you, you can't really talk to her about it in the first place, and one reason she may not have is that she knows how you feel/think about it, so just doesn't feel comfortable talking to you. (Again, that's not to say you're doing anything wrong here in feeling how you do, it's just that if and when we know someone thinks something is all-out-bad with no room for differences in choice or opinion, we're not usually going to talk to that person about that thing.)

Perhaps, then, what might be a better fit for you is just to keep being her good friend and being supportive of her in ways you already are. And if she does bring this to you, and you feel able to talk about this with her in ways that are more nuanced than just, "I think this thing is just all bad," (since again, that's just not the kind of view that tends to lend itself to good talks about something like this, where it isn't that black and white for everyone), then you can take it from there. And by all means, if you start to notice her having any big issues or problems, or big negative changes, you can ask her about those, whether they're an impact of recreational substance use or not, and whether she talks with you about recreational substance use or not..

[ballerina99]

Thank you so much! Really helpful!

[Heather]

Glad to be of help. I'm sorry you feel so worried about and scared for your friend: that's certainly never easy.