Where things have gone

[bigbywolf]

Hey, thanks for the reply you two! Scarleteen always grounds me just that little bit and waking up and seeing that people have thoughtful input about this stressful situation feels really good.

To Sam W, I do think that that's what has happened to Jason. I think he thinks it's all completely resolved. So yesterday I did just flick him a message basically saying "The Ex has already been added, so no point kicking him out. But for future reference, he still makes me hugely uncomfortable. I can handle being at the same party as him for your sake, but please just think about me when adding him to group chats in future..." and he was his evasive "ok" self. He doesn't seem sulky or upset, though. But I'm glad he's been reminded that my feelings for The Ex are still just negative. I've also told most of the girls in the group. I don't expect them to do anything, but it helps that they're aware.

To Heather - I would absolutely say that my friends are both clueless (the only other 'group breakup' had the couple immediately being close friends after, so that's the standard that they're used to), being manipulated by The Ex and probably just enjoying having this kind of upset to talk about. I don't see any kind of one off statement fixing any of these things - especially while King Manipulator keeps playing himself as the poor, lonely victim. I'll just keep being honest about things since that's the only thing I really can do. And I will start reserving my emotional bonds with different people, because I don't think that this group is the best place for that investment. The whole group dynamic reminds me of the picture of a garlic that has a mandarin segment where one of the cloves would be - and it says "Just because you fit in doesn't mean you're where you belong".

Thankfully uni really is right around the corner, and I'll soon definitely be meeting a lot of new people. Plus, my childhood best friend has just moved onto the mainland - she's now just a ferry ride away. It feels incredible to have that kind of support and backbone in all of this.

My inner stubborness is keeping me in that group chat - and I think I was panicking quite a lot when I typed the message yesterday. I don't think his continued presence on the chat will affect me - I won't let it! Besides, that group chat will get less and less active as we face the tail-end of Summer.

[Heather]

I think I can speak for all of us when I say we care about you a bunch, and we're all pretty invested in this turning around for you!

You know, I also think some of this too might be about the pretty commonly "natural" progression of people just starting to mostly go their separate ways after childhood/adolescent friendships. Everyone changes so much by the time they're emerging adults -- and, as you have unfortunately discovered, personal growth seems to stall out for some people, especially if they have others also stalled out to enable them -- that moving away from the majority of those relationships often feels like the right thing for people. Especially if and when that group gets in some crummy hivemind stuff and you're one of the people that's applied very badly too because you're outside of it.

When do you start uni?

[bigbywolf]

I do make the prediction that "The group" won't really exist this time next year. Or at least, it will not at all have the same kind of dynamic that it currently does. This is all of our second years of uni, so we're moving into smaller, more specialized segments (apart from me, since ive changed my major and university entirely! ). I'm looking forward to the new relationships and to seeing which of the current ones can healthily grow.

I have my orientation day on the 23rd of this month, and then my course officially starts around the 7th of March! And at least I don't need to have anxiety about commuting on the boat, now that I know that I am able to be in the same vicinity of The Ex (even if I still don't want to).

[Heather]

Oh, that's SO soon!

Okay then, screw these friend strategies (unless you don't want to, and that feels worthwhile to you). Just sounds to me like much more of them is a waste of your valuable emotional and other energy, since you're outta there and away from this so soon. I'm so excited for you!

[bigbywolf]

Hey all!

I'm putting a lot of effort into making new friends and having a stronger support system and i think it's going really well. I had an orientation day for my university and that also makes me really excited.

My only problem right now is my anger. I saw The Ex and Jess stepping off of a ferry together, and I felt so so furious. At literally the same moment, a friend of mine bumped into me, which was lucky. But every encounter like this has attached anger that lasts for days! Like last night I had a nightmare where I tried to explain to The Ex and Jess how "Awful" they were, and then when I woke up I decided to try run the anger off. I got to the point of almost puking, but the ugly thoughts stayed in my head. I hate it, because it's making me think really unkind things. I imagine tripping Jess up as she got off the boat and telling her all the things The Ex used to say to me about her to reassure me there wasn't anything between them. I've never felt like I actually wanted to be violent or aggressive to another person before. I know creativity and time is basically going to be the cure - but am I right in not ever confronting them? I think that it's the best thing, even though I simultaneously feel like they more than deserve someone to shout at them or just call them out on the crap they've done. I don't think there's actually any chance of me hurting them, but how do I make sure? This is a whole lot of weird and new for me. I know it'll all ease up with time.

[Heather]

I'm not concerned about you having hard feelings, or doing anything with them that would be harmful to yourself or anyone else. Truly. Part of the process, I'd say, and one that has a purpose.

I think I'd just check in with yourself about how much of this you're making about Jess, who you weren't in a relationship, who didn't make -- or break -- any relationship agreements with you. In other words, while you are going to feel what you feel, this really is about your Ex, and what he did, and *your* relationship, rather than about Jess and their relationship. It's pretty common, in situations like this to a) put a lot of blame on the "other" person, who wasn't part of your relationship, and still isn't, and b) all the more so when that other person is a woman (internalized sexism, and ideas about women and men-stealing and things like that: none of us are immune to it, alas).

If you are putting an emotional focus on her, my concern is that it might take you longer to get to the real deal here, which is about you and your Ex, so you can cycle through all of this and get back to your own life that he isn't in, or a big part of, and where so much of your emotional energy is going to all this rather than to you living the life you enjoy and feel good in without this relationship, if you follow me. Do you know what I mean?

[bigbywolf]

That internalized sexism. :~( We can only do our best to actively be aware of it in trying to get over it!

I do entirely get what you mean, and it helps a lot to see you explain it like that.

It does help to put it into that perspective, and recognize that while Jess did some out-of-line things while I was with The Ex, it was his shortcomings that hurt me, not hers. She had no obligations to me.

Something that helps me is, when i feel like actually contacting The Ex and being like "listen up", I think about the fact I'll always have the option to do it. Then when I think about that, I think about how I wouldn't want to send something like that in a years time, and it helps put into perspective how emotionally-fueled my feelings are or aren't. I should actually also focus on what this anger has helped me achieve. I AM drawing tonnes more than I ever have, and am more physically fit than ive been my entire life!! So even if it feels a bit yucky to have to be working through this emotion, it is having constant positive effects.

[Onionpie]

Hey bigbywolf. I have similarly struggled with a lot of anger that was left unexpressed (towards those it was aimed at) and have found a few things helpful. When I had a similarly awful breakup with a boyfriend who was a less-than-healthy partner who said manipulative things, I found myself so full of rage all the time that I picked up kickboxing. Some of my friends thought it was pretty funny and suggested that I should tape his picture to the boxing bag -- but in fact, it wasn't imagining his face there that helped me let go of the anger. What helped was just letting my mind go blank and then beating the SHIT out of that thing!

Another thing that you might find really helps is writing out a letter saying EXACTLY what you think about those assholes. Every little niggling worm of resentment, every shitty little thing he said to you -- write your rebuttal. Tell him exactly how you feel. And then burn it. Or tear it up. Destroy it and send those thoughts and feelings out into the ether. Our anger is there to protect us -- to let us know when we have been wronged. It's not good to hold onto anger past its due, but anger is important and helpful and letting it out in ways that help us move forward are really beneficial. So it's awesome that you're finding ways of doing that, and I hope my suggestions help you figure out more ways to work through it!

[bigbywolf]

This guy just keeps astounding me, honestly.

So uni has started and it's going pretty rocky - I can't really afford the course related costs - but that's another issue. It means that these next few weeks to come will be rocky mentally. so I was on the early ferry this morning, I was wit my two friends. We walk off the ferry, The Ex sees us three from afar and actively makes the decision to walk to university with us. He is not my friend. He knows he makes me uncomfortable. I don't know if it's out of line to be hurt by this or not, but dammit I am. I've had to contact him on my own accord for the first time since finding out about Jess to ask him to please not do it again. That's literally all my message said. He hasn't replied yet, but I can almost guarantee it'll be another "why can't you just be mature and get over this?" Or "you can't stop me talking to my friends" (even though he is not close with either of the people I was walking with. I'm not particularly close with them either, but I know I'm more so than he is). I know every time I have to deal with his existence it will get easier, but this was really tough and weird. I just needed this as a place to vent and hear input - but I'm sure you guys are as tired as I am about hearing about him!

[Carmen]

Hi bigbywolf,

Reading through all the posts on this thread really does make me tired of him not respecting your boundaries! I am glad we can be a place for you to talk about all this and ask for input Hopefully your ex will respond with something more mature (oh the irony!) and I am sorry you had to deal with this situation, you should not have to deal with situations like these, especially after you have been so communicative. Kudos to you for being able to reach out to him on your own accord for the first time in awhile - that much have been a hard thing to do! Communicating to him that he is hurting you (feeling hurt - in fact any sincere feelings - are never out of line) is something he should be able to listen to and respect.
I know you were also very excited about uni starting so I am sorry that has been off to a rocky start. When you say you think the next few weeks are going to be rocky mentally, what do you mean? Or how so?

[bigbywolf]

His response was "dont do what? Talk to my friends?"

I'm not surprised. I just reminded him I'm literally on anxiety medication because of him - so we'll see where this goes. I'm confident in his ability to respond to this in an inconsiderate, whiny manner. Thanks for the noting of my progress though Carmen!! It is a great sign that I can message him, even if I wish I didn't have to.

[bigbywolf]

When I say they'll be rocky, I just think it will be a time of raised emotion. I'm going to be more sad and stressed and as such shitty interactions might affect me more.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

Gracious, that it inconsiderate if him. I'm with Carmen in that the way you're dealing with him now speaks to just how far you've come. I'm wondering if you'd find it helpful to come up with a plan or two for if he makes a pattern of this (it may be that reminding him once keeps him from doing it again, although given how he has been acting it may not)?