Stretching & Pain! Help?!

[bbop102]

Ok here's my overly complicated story:
I'm in a friend group where sex is something talked about a lot. It's been a normal thing for awhile. I'm a senior in high school, and I have not had sex. But, i told my friends that i lost my virginity sophomore year. With 0 to little romantic action till now, where I have met a guy that I really really like. He is my best friend, and thing have defiantly been flirty for awhile. He also thinks I have had sex. He has, and things have been progressing and i think we might too sometime within the next month. The problem is, we've talked about sex so much that if I tell him that I was lying he won't not trust me anymore. I'm really really afraid to lose him (romantically). Note that*** I'm not having sex to keep him around. He makes me feel safe and loved, and I am ready to do this for me, not him.
But I am "sexually awakened" per say. I've been masturbating for over two years, and I own a vibrator. Although nothing I ever do is penetrative. Recently I've tried to work on stretching my vagina out, but it's still really painful. I just tampons, and can easily insert a finger, but the motion on my sensitive inner walls is pretty unbearable. How do I normalize that feeling?
I'm gonna be honest and say that telling him really isn't an option. I know I'm ready for sex,I just feel like I've screwed myself up.

[Sam W]

Hi bbop,

As far as the pain you're feeling goes, the cause of that is often a combination of nerves/tension and a lack of lubrication. The way to avoid that is to take your time and make sure you're aroused before trying to insert anything, and making sure you have lots of lube on hand (no pun intended) to help you out. More often than not, those steps will help make insertion feel better.

With your boyfriend, you mentioned you don't feel like you can tell him that you're not sexually experienced. I want to offer the thought that, if this is someone you trust enough to have sex with, then you can also trust to tell them the truth about this and have them react okay. After all, this fits in pretty easily into other conversations around sex, and it doesn't have to be a big giant revel. You can simply tell him that, contrary to what a lot of people think, you haven't had sex before. I think getting that out in the open will help you feel less tense overall. Does that make sense?

[Redskies]

I just wanted to add something about where you said you've "tried to work on stretching your vagina". I'm wondering if you're thinking that vaginas become different physically after you've had intercourse or some kinds of entry? Quick and simple: they don't! If you've been trying to change your vagina because you think it'd be different if you'd had intercourse before, there's really no need Have a look: It's a Vagina, Not a Crystal Ball

[bbop102]

Really? I thought that since it was a muscle that I would be able to "stretch" it so it wouldn't hurt as bad when I have actual sex for the first time.

[Onionpie]

That's not quite how the muscles work. The vagina is a muscle that can squeeze closed,, not stretch open. It can relax to fit around things that are being inserted into it, but that is only temporary -- as soon as the object is taken out of the vagina, it lies closed. You can't permanently "stretch" it open. Or exercise it to stretch open further.

[Heather]

Also, think about how muscles work: we can't stretch out (and thus, relax) a muscle today and have it forever be in that state ever after. In order to keep it relaxed, we will need to keep stretching it, keep doing things that keep that muscle from being tense, and do those things at any time we want it to be relaxed. There's no such thing as permanent muscle relaxation, for any part of the body.

For the record, knowing you are lying to someone you're being sexual with? That's likely to play a big part in making you - and all your muscles - feel tense. I think feeling like you cannot be real about who you are and what your life experience has and hasn't been with a sexual and romantic partner sounds like a pretty awful situation to be in, overall, on top of it being a setup for a crummy sexual life together. If you just want to stick with that, that's certainly your right, but since that is so yucky and not likely to result in anything good, I do hope you at least consider letting us try to help you turn that around and be honest.