Is it normal?

[Heather]

Audryll, I feel a little lost with your last post. Can you fill me in on what, specifically, you're asking about? If you mean the ongoing abuse in your home, that IS a big deal, and abuse isn't about innocent experimenting, no. That's not the kind of thing you have described when you have talked about it.

If that is what you are asking about, it is probably also a good idea to perhaps talk more with someone about how it makes sense to want to deny abuse, but I first want to make sure that is what you are asking about. It would also be helpful to get an update on if you have contacted the resources we have shared with you that are local to you, since to get help healing and dealing with all of this, you are going to need more than only help from a general online service like ours.

[Audryll]

yeah tht was what i was talking about. WELL....yes i did but things somehow went wrong..

[Redskies]

I'm so sorry things went wrong. Sometimes when people try to reach out for help, it's harder than it should be and the first people we try to ask or tell aren't very helpful. I'm so sorry you've had that experience too; I know how hurtful and confusing it is. If and when that happens - and it shouldn't happen, it SO shouldn't happen, but it's a sad and crappy fact that sometimes it does - the thing to do is take a breath if we need to, and keep trying, and not to ever give up until someone hears us, believes us, and helps us, and we become safe.

We hear you and we believe you. We also know that the ways your family has behaved to you are not ways anyone should behave; they were wrong and they are wrong to do those things, and you deserve to be safe. We want to help you, and we'll do what we can; obviously, there are some limitations on what we can do as an online service, which is why we keep mentioning other services - we're committed to you getting the help and safety you deserve, even though that's outside our ability.

In chat with Sam about a week and a half ago, you said that one place you called thought you were joking, and another place believed you and said they would have to report it because you're a legal minor. Has anything else happened since then? I'm asking so that we're most up-to-date on what you're trying to do for yourself here, so that we can give you more appropriate suggestions.

Huge kudos for reaching out as many times as you are and making these different contacts. I know it's hard to do, and I know you find it very frightening. Keep being brave whenever you can, okay? You're doing great.

What your brother did is NOT nothing, and you're Not making a big deal out of it, I promise. You told me one particular thing in chat which I said was very violent and was physical abuse. I stand by that, and I know all my colleagues here would too. The sexual abuse is also not nothing. It's true that sometimes children experiment with sexual behaviours, and in itself, that isn't harmful or abusive or wrong. What you described to us wasn't experimentation. It's only experimentation if both children/young people feel safe and happy, have a similar level of understanding of what they're doing, and both feel able to say they would rather stop and do something else. You've described to us a situation where your brother had a lot more power, control and understanding than you did, and where you were very unsafe with him. That makes what he did to you abuse. It also doesn't matter what he intended or what it meant to him: if you weren't able to be an equal participant - and you very clearly were not at all equal - it was an abuse of you.

Some adults are rubbish at talking about children's or young people's sexualities and get things very wrong, like not knowing or understanding the difference between abuse and consensual experimentation. If you've come across any of those adults, I'm so very sorry, and please know that they're wrong.

[Heather]

It would be helpful, too, to know which of the resources we gave you you contacted, and what responses they had, as well as what kind of help they have offered you.

That way, if we need to better tailor our suggestions -- or take another look for more -- to find you the services you need, we can do that. Without knowing that, we can't really help you best find what you need.

If you can also try, when you post here, to tell us what you are looking for -- to clearly ask us for something, rather than leaving us to make our best guess -- that would be helpful and better help us to help you.

[Audryll]

oh the people were great but only....... they kinda reported it and i had a call from another organisation asking me to tell them what happen so they could report it and tht seriously made me really overwhelmed....i rly dont know what to do there's just too many things blocking me from doing tht.. and yeah i talked to someone and they said it was just some sexual experimenting and its normal,he said. would you think its i good idea to just talk to him(brother) abt it?

hey heather,
so so sorry i didnt mention it clearer. but... i think im gonna stop seeking help i guess.... no use for it if people are obligated to report it or just i dont know...sorry. i just dont wanna burden anybodys day or just.....im just dumb..srry i wasted your time

[Sam W]

Hi Audryll,

I would caution against confronting your brother over this, if only because from what you've told us he's not a safe person for you. My concern with confronting him is that he (or your parents) might retaliate.

When the other agency contacted you, what were they specifically asking about? And did they give you a way to get in touch with them?

I understand why you feel like you don't want to seek more help. Asking for help can be exhausting, especially when you've had such varied experiences in terms of the reactions from people you asked. You're certainly not a burden to us here, and it sounds like at least two other places have taken your concerns seriously. Those are huge steps to take on your own. The reason we keep encouraging you to seek help is that you deserve to be in a place where you feel safe and are treated with respect, and that's not happening right now. Asking for help is a way to move towards that space.

[Audryll]

they were asking me to tell them what happened so they could file a report....yeah...

[Sam W]

I see. How would you feel about getting in touch with them and asking them some questions about the process of reporting? You certainly have the right to know what the process would look like for you

[Audryll]

But he would get in trouble... and my family would hate me

[Heather]

There are things to say about that, but as I have asked for, can you please let us know WHICH of the resources we gave to you you contacted who had these various responses, by name, as well as what the name of the organization calling you based on one of those contacts is?

We are -- perhaps obviously -- pretty committed to getting you the right kind of help here, and we're really not it. For a situation like yours as it stands, the best and most appropriate service we can provide is to help you find the kind of organizations and services who can help you to first get safe and find out about your options in Kuala Lampur, which isn't something we are very educated about: no one can even start healing -- which is more the kind of help we can give -- until they are first safe from abuse, just like no one can have a broken leg heal if they keep walking on it.

In order to do that, we need to fine-tune our suggestions and in order to talk to you about a services responses to you with any kind of accuracy, we need to know who it is we're talking about.

[Audryll]

well the one you guys recomended 'awam' reported my case... i dont really know the name of the organisation who called me...sorry,i know tht could've been useful...
but though, i cant really seek help if i dont wanna get anyone in trouble right..?
btw sorry for the late replies. i kinda forgotten my password so i cn only reply when im on my comp. rahter than my phone which im on like 24/7

[Sam W]

Hi Audryll,

Okay, would you be able to call the organization and find out who they are and what they do? A lot of organizations like that are used to informational calls.

As Heather said, the first step for you is to get to a place where you are safe. And that may involve getting some people in trouble. But those people deserve to be in trouble, because they made the choice to hurt you, you know?

[Audryll]

i called..they are those people who would report it and give out legal info
but he's my brother..

[Sam W]

Are they Awam, or are they a different organization (it's okay to call them back an just ask for their name. You may also be able to look up the number you called online and see who it is attached to).?

He is your brother, but he is also someone who hurt you (and is in the position to continue hurting you). Those two things don't cancel each other out, but him being your brother does not make what he did any more okay. Does that make sense?

[Audryll]

its different one.
tht makes sense but..he's going off to college next year i dont wanna ruin everything though...

[Heather]

Ultimately, I want to get you connected with a local organization to talk about your options with reporting. None of us know how this whole system works in your area, so we just are not going to be your best people to discuss this with.

AWAM offers face-to-face or phone counseling, and you should be able to use either to ask about what reporting means and how it goes where you are so that you can make an informed choice and find out what your options are when it comes to your safety. I strongly encourage you to take a step and do that.

You can ask about this without actually reporting anything, by the way. You will just asked to be informed about options and systems if and when someone is living in a home where there has been sexual abuse.

[Audryll]

i already know what they would do...they say ill have to tell an adlt...or/and they'll report it

[Audryll]

What do you think the best option is...(reporting it?) is he safe if he's still a touch-y person

[Heather]

I feel like there's something in what I've been saying and suggesting you might not be following, so let me try coming at this differently.

If you were here, where I am and where I work, in Washington State, or even somewhere else -- like the whole of the United States, for instance, or the UK -- where I am well-educated about what the options are when you're a minor living in an abusive family, and what some of those options -- like reporting -- entail and involve, full-stop, and not just in the most basic ways, I would feel able to counsel you about this.

But you're not, and where you are is an area in which I, and are staff, are almost entirely ignorant of what those options are and how any of them play out. For instance, if and when someone like you reports sexual abuse in your family, what happens? Are you placed in a foster home, or left at home while police investigate? What are the changes of someone abusing you being charged and removed from the home so people inside of it are safe?

These kinds of questions are questions I do not know the answers to. They are, however, questions advocacy organizations who work where you are DO know the answers to, which is why they are the appropriate people to ask, not me or anyone here at Scarleteen.

We -- like other organizations who care about people being safe from abuse -- will always feel that the safety of someone being abused is The Big Thing, and what matters first and foremost. If reporting is what gets you safe (emotionally and physically: living with someone who has sexually assaulted you is never safe), then yes, we'd encourage you to report. If it would put you in greater danger, or not change that you remain in a home where there has been and continues to be abuse, then no, we'd not advocate for that. But without knowing your local systems and how things play out, we cannot responsibly weigh in on that.

So, once more, the very best thing, and the only responsible thing, we feel we can do is to get you connected with LOCAL organizations and advocates so that you can have these discussions with them. Do you understand?

I also do need to be clear that help with intra-family abuse is something we make clear in our site guidelines we simply cannot help with while it is still ongoing and/or someone is still in that home. As we make clear in those guidelines, what we CAN do is help any user in that kind of situation find their local agencies and resources who ARE built and equipped to help and intervene with that. We can also give someone support as they go through that process. But we cannot take the place of services, organizations and agencies who are expressly designed and run to provide this kind of help. It would basically be very irresponsible of us to try to take their place, and might even result in a user staying in danger, which is the very last thing we ever want.

[Audryll]

Yeah I understand sorry...bye..

[Sam W]

Do you need contact information for those local organizations, or is that something you already have?

[Audryll]

You mean another organization?
Sorry I'm just scared I'm bothering you guys

[Carmen]

Hi Audryll
We just want you to get the direct support you need, which we unfortunately cannot give you because we are based in the United States and do not have the necessary information or resources that you need. Are you comfortable with trying to follow up with AWAM again and reaching out to them about the same things you are reaching out to us about?

[Audryll]

Okay.. I'll try