Friends with benefits

[ballerina99]

I'm not interested in having a full blown relationship with a girl because I'm not comfortable telling too many people I'm gay. However, i have really strong feelings for this girl (and I've had them for a while) is it totally inappropriate to kiss her (if we both want to and the timing is right) but then say I don't want to be in a relationship? I'm just interested in like a fiends with benefits kind of thing. I just don't want to disrespect her and I don't know how to tell her I don't want to be in a relationship.

[Carmen]

Hi ballerina99,

It sounds like you are very clear on what you want with this relationship which is awesome. It also sounds like you are unsure if kissing her before telling her you don't want a relationship is a good idea or not, have you two talked about any kind of potential relationship between you before? As a rule of thumb, I find having those conversations before any sexual physical activities is better because it can help people have a clearer idea of whether or not they do or don't want to be participating in those activities. Do you think you would be comfortable telling her you do not want to be in a relationship but would be interested in friends with benefits?

[ballerina99]

Id be okay telling her, but it's kind of complicated between us. We've never talked about having any sort of relationship before, but there's this constant flirting that goes on between us. Maybe it's just me, but it feels like at some point we are just going to end up kissing. We sort of almost kissed once and that's why I'm wondering. I think when the right moment comes along its going to end up being a spontaneous thing. So I don't know if I should avoid kissing her before talking to her or not. Because maybe there really isn't anything between us. I don't want to make it awkward

[Onionpie]

Well, talking about relationship models and what we're expecting out of a certain situation before we start any kind of sexual relationship is not a strange thing to be doing, so I don't really think that would make it awkward at all. If you come at it from a way that doesn't assume that what she wants is a certain kind of relationship, then there isn't any assumption about what "is between you" two, so nothing to make it awkward! Make sense? You can let her know and ask about what kind of relationship she's looking for out of this in a way that's pretty casual and flirty, it doesn't have to be this really serious, sit-down, contract-writing business. We can absolutely help you figure out how to go about asking her if you'd like help with some scripts for what you could say!

[ballerina99]

Yes oh my gosh it would be so great if you could help me figure out what to say. I have no idea how id do that!!

[Sam W]

Alrighty then! To start, you may want to read these articles. They can help you clarify what you're looking for (which will make it easier to talk to her about it), and give you some ideas about how to frame the conversation you're going to have:
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship

In terms of the actual conversation, like Onionpie said keeping it casual is a good way to go. I would start by asking her to what her ideal relationship between then two of you would be, then talking about how that compares to what's doable (e.g. depending on how out you both are, her ideal can't happen right now) and to what you want. Something that can help keep the pressure off is by thinking of this less as the "we must define our relationship talk" and more of the "we are starting this conversation" talk. Does that make sense?

[Carmen]

Focusing on "I" statements could also be a good way to go - maybe start by telling her you want to let her know you had feelings for her or felt like you two were always flirting and was wondering if she felt that too? Then going towards talking about what kind of relationship the two of you could have based on how she replies.

[ballerina99]

That makes sense! Thanks so much.

[Heather]

Also, if it helps, since ideally you're not going to just kiss her, but are going to ask first (as we all always should), you can do that with something as simple as "I've been thinking about kissing you a lot, and I'd really like to, but I don't know if that's something you'd want, both because I don't know if you feel that way about me, and also because I know that I'm not open to any kind of more serious relationship, and don't know how you feel about that, either." Voila! Then she can tell you how she feels about both of those things.