I have just a few questions

[Heather]

Okay.

So, probably this has a lot to do with the very common process of having grown up in a sexually repressive home, and learning to turn that around for yourself. Sadly, it's something a lot of people deal with and go through. Alas, there also aren't any ways to make this something to turn around quickly: I wish there were. It's more about gradual steps and just processing all of this over time. The more and more space someone in this spot tends to get from environments where they're getting those negative (or silent, which is effectively negative, just less overtly) messages also tends to help.

Give me a couple days (I'm off most of tomorrow and Saturday) and I can gather you up a bit of a reading list, if you'd like, that I think will give you some good starts. Do you have the ability to buy books or get them from the library, by any chance?

We can keep talking here if you like, of course, and I'm certainly not the only person you can do that with. You might even make a second thread in the support groups area of the boards to ask peers who have struggled with this kind of situation to talk with you: we've had way more than one user in this spot. Some peer support might be one of the pieces that can help you out well with this.

[Heather]

If you want somewhere to start online in the meantime per that list, btw, I'd suggest taking a look here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... xual_shame

Some of the related links that show up at the bottom of that piece would also be goodies for you, IMO.

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah, yes, I'd love that, and I do know it will be a long process, but what isn't? Thank you so much for your constant help throughout all this.
Also, just a little tid-bit that may help, I occasionally have "fantasies", although I am disgusted by them, not aroused. Perhaps me mentally blocking stuff again? I don't know.

[wishcoulddelete]

Also, no. I do have a library card, but I can't go to the library alone, let alone rent out books about topics such as this.
I sincerely apologize for these late replies, I had not realized that there was a second page.

[Heather]

You can reply in any time period you like: it's me who owes folks apologies for ever being slow to respond, since this is my job! So *I* am sorry to be late with this one.

It's sounding to me like there's more bigger-picture here, like parents who are perhaps very controlling, such as limiting access to something as basic as the library. At this point, I'm willing to bet that the impact your parents statements have had about masturbation being bad are amplified by other things, like perhaps a greater family environment that's not so wonderful.

Given your age -- as in, you likely won't be moving out on your own anytime soon to start getting some real space to think for yourself -- I'd suggest you see what you can do to just start with some doable baby steps. For instance, when you feel disgusted, just reminding yourself in simple words, ideally out loud, that your body and your sexuality aren't disgusting at all, but forces for good in your life, positive forces, can likely have a positive gradual impact.

Too, if you can find some ways of experiencing pleasure in your life -- and put more focus on those -- that do NOT result in feelings of disgust, I think that's a good half-step (and is always a good thing regardless).

I'm wondering: do you think if you started journaling, that'd be something you could assure stayed private, and wasn't poked into by your family? I have some journaling ideas with this stuff, but if that doesn't feel like something you can do safely, in terms of it being a given it can stay private, then those probably aren't the best ideas.

[wishcoulddelete]

Eh, I'm in no rush, I've waited long enough, you don't have to worry about me too much. I'm sure there are others on this website with far more severe problems.

I guess my parents could be defined as controlling, but I've grown accustomed to it. They let me have my online privacy, at the very least, hence me being here in the first place.

I'll try that. Thanks for the advice.

Well, I guess you could say that my playing video games is "pleasurable" in a manner that it brings me joy, and I'm not bothered by doing that. I could be completely misinterpreting what you're saying, though.

I could probably journal on my phone, my parents never check my phone for anything.

[Heather]

Are the video games a kind that are in any way physical? In other words, that involve you enjoying being in your body -- finding pleasure in that -- rather than being pretty divorced from any kind of experience of enjoying your body, not just your mind?

I'd say video games probably aren't the best pick with something like this, since most aren't about enjoying being in your body, and many also don't involve a pleasure in being yourself and tuning into you, but in being someone else and tuning out. Know what I mean?

[wishcoulddelete]

Yeah, you have a good point, and no, none I can think of that I really enjoy involve me being in an avatar that is made to be me, if that's what you mean. And, well, I don't really derive pleasure from being in my body. I don't quite see how I would. Not that I'm necessarily "uncomfortable" with my body, I just don't see how it would be pleasurable in itself.

[Heather]

Just to make sure we're not missing each other, pleasure -- by definition -- is simply about experiencing enjoyment, or feelings of satisfaction.

So, some examples of pleasure that involves our bodies in big ways besides sex can be things like eating your very favorite meal, taking a cool shower when you felt very hot (or a hot bath when you feel cold), getting a massage, taking a walk outside and enjoying all your senses are taking in, bopping around to your favorite song, or doing some kind of physical activity that feels good in your muscles and bones.

So: when I talk about pleasure that involves your body, I'm generally talking about something multi-sensory rather than something that just involves one or two senses (as tends to be the case with video games), and that usually means feeling things in your body that involve more than eye, hand or butt soreness from gaming for a long time, but that actually feel good to your body on the whole.

[wishcoulddelete]

Yeah, I know (I apologize if I'm sounding condescending, it's not my intent). I don't really feel any sense of joy purely from being in my body. I mean, I guess some food I enjoy a good amount, although I try to limit my eating of such enjoyable foods, as I've been gaining some weight lately, as well as eating such food so often upsetting my parents. Aside from that, I can't think of any activities that necessarily just make me enjoy being in my body.

[Heather]

I don't find you condescending.

Am I hearing you right that your parents aren't okay with you eating food you enjoy?

I really don't mean to be nosy, so please swat me away if this feels intrusive, but would you mind giving me a clearer picture of your life as a whole, especially with your family? Like, where do you live, who is part of your larger community you see every day, or at least every few days, besides your parents? Do you have siblings? Do you attend school?

Can you also, if you don't mind, fill me in on what you think the scoop is with your parents on saying, for example, masturbation or sex are bad, being upset by foods you enjoy, etc? What's the basis of these kinds of messages or restrictions?

[wishcoulddelete]

Alright, that's good to know.

Well, it's moreso that when I eat food I enjoy, I eat it a lot, and it's not exactly the healthiest stuff for me.

No worries about seeming nosy. I live in a pretty calm and quiet neighborhood. I see my neighbors on occasion. I have a brother and a sister, though my brother is married and my sister is in college out of town, so I don't see them often. I go to school, yes, and I have a good chunk of friends, but I don't really contact them outside of school outside of the rare occasion I bring up the courage to text them.

Well, with the foods, they express concern for my health, since I've had a few unhealthy symptoms lately (swelling hands, but I think they're caused by allergies, as they happen very rarely outside of very specific circumstances). As for the sexual silence in my home, I think they're having empty nest syndrome. With my brother and sister gone, I'm the only "baby" they have left, and they don't want to imagine me maturing and growing up. That's my guess, anyways. When they do bring it up, they use religion as a basis, though they extremely rarely bring anything up.

[Heather]

We're your siblings able to get out of the house more than you are, either with or without your folks? Like going to a safe place like the library, for instance? Like hanging out with friends outside of school?

Also, have you ever asked your parents for a bit more freedom? What about to talk about sex? Did they with your siblings? And I mean real talking, not just "sex = bad."

[Heather]

Oh: you talk about the courage to text friends. Is this about shyness or social anxiety?

(Know this is a lot of questions: again, just still trying to get a sense of your bigger picture.)

[wishcoulddelete]

I just feel worried that I'll be a bother or come off as desperate. I guess I could be described as shy, but as far as I'm aware, I have no anxiety.

(Don't worry about it, I know you just want to help, and I can't thank you enough for this.)

[Heather]

Can you still fill me in on these questions?

Were your siblings able to get out of the house more than you are, either with or without your folks? Like going to a safe place like the library, for instance? Like hanging out with friends outside of school?

Also, have you ever asked your parents for a bit more freedom? What about to talk about sex? Did they with your siblings? And I mean real talking, not just "sex = bad."

[wishcoulddelete]

Ah, I apologize, I didn't notice.

Yes, my siblings had more freedom, but it was safer back when they were my age. They went to play basketball at the Town Hall with their friends usually.

Yes, I have asked the former, and they refused. As for the latter, I'm not really comfortable even trying to talk to my parents about sex and the like. And I never heard my parents say anything at all about sex and the like to my siblings.

[Heather]

I don't imagine the world was any safer when they were your age, honestly: they're not fifty years older than you, after all. Really, the world has always had its perils and things that make it not totally safe, but that doesn't have to mean someone can't have freedom and go about that freedom in ways that involve safeties. Plus, if your parents are my age or older (I'm middle-aged), they probably grew up with a lot more freedom than you have themselves, even though the world was just as unsafe.

Is it an option for you to perhaps ask one or both of your siblings if they'd talk with your parents with you and back you up about giving you the kinds of freedoms that they had?

[wishcoulddelete]

I agree with you, but my parents don't. Or are just making false excuses, which is not improbable.

Eh, I've talked to my brother about it, and he believed I have more freedom than him, somehow. And my sister is extremely busy, I couldn't bring myself to bother her more than I do already.

I doubt it would help, regardless, my parents are very... "Thickheaded".

[Heather]

Well, I'm at the point where I am actually feeling quite deeply concerned about you and you in your home, to be frank. I'm worried that without some kind of intervention, you're going to have a harder and harder time with some of the things you've brought up here, and also really struggle with becoming your own person, which is effectively what healthy adolescent development is supposed to involve, and supposed to be something parents are supporting, not trying to stop or keep from happening.

How might you feel about the idea of talking to a counselor at your school, if you have one, just to start getting more more help and feedback?

[wishcoulddelete]

I don't have a school counselor, I'm afraid.

[Heather]

Are you sure? In other words, have you asked the administration office about that?

If you have, and you don't, what about a family doctor: do you have and see one of those?

[wishcoulddelete]

Yes, I'm certain.

No, our family doctor has retired. And I wouldn't be able to go see them regardless.

[Heather]

Who do you see when you're ill or for yearly school checkups?

[wishcoulddelete]

I usually just let it run through, but in severe occasions, we go to a place called Urgent Care, where you essentially can get checked up for what your problem is at a moment's notice.
And, uh, Yearly Checkups? That's a thing?