My Friends Were Raped

[Wonderment]

I recently found out that my best friends ( one is male and one is female)- were both raped. They were raped years ago- the guy by his 'friend' at and the girl by her uncle. They were both asleep- and they were both very disappointed in themselves for not waking up until the end.

As a friend, I want to support them- but I do not know how.

Even though they were both raped, there is no evidence ( I assume there will only be slight evidence for the girl, but what are the chances of it? As for the guy?). Is their any way to still press charges even after all these years? The victims would be children- and the rapists would be a uncle and a male friend of the same age. Since we're all teenagers, their fear happens to be- to be unloved.

How can I support them?

Thank you in advance!

[Redskies]

Hi Wonderment, and welcome to Scarleteen! Thank you for asking this question and for wanting to do your best to support your friends, although I'm so sorry all of you find yourselves in this situation. It's never easy for anyone.

You're on the right lines already simply by caring and wanting to support them. Having a friend who believes and cares can be underestimated from the outside, and it never feels like we're doing enough when we are the friend. But it really matters, and often makes a very big difference for anyone recovering from an assault.

Probably the first important thing to know is that being assaulted nearly always makes a person feel like they don't have enough control of their own body or their own life. Getting back some of that sense of control is usually very important for someone's recovery, so whenever we're wanting to help anyone who's been assaulted, we should be led by what they want and need. Everyone's different, so different people will respond differently and want and need different things. Sometimes it takes a while for people to figure out what their own self might need, too.

There are a lot more specific things we can suggest to you, and we'd be very happy to. I have a few questions I'd like to ask of you to get a better picture of the situation, if that's alright with you. Did both of your friends decide to share the information they'd been assaulted with you, or did you find out some other way? Which other people, if any, know about either of their assaults? Do you know if either of them have had any support or help from trained people or organisations (eg therapists, counsellors, rape crisis organisations)?

Pressing charges is more about consequences for the perpetrator rather than recovery for the assaulted person. (That's overly reductive, as sometimes it's a part of someone's recovery, but it's not a necessary part.) When we're wanting to support someone who was assaulted, our focus is on supporting their recovery. It's very natural to think about consequences for the perpetrator and about the justice system, but actually going down that route brings in challenges of its own for an assaulted person and it's not always the right thing for an individual person's recovery, so it's not the place to start. Some people's journeys can definitely go there, but it's mostly too much to start there and not what they most need at the beginning. But to answer your question, whether it's possible to press charges would depend on the laws in your area: it would depend on what crimes may have been committed according to your country and state's laws, and whether there's any legal time limit ("statute of limitations") for bringing charges for those crimes. Ability to press charges, though, doesn't impact someone's ability to officially report their assault. There can be plenty of other reasons for someone to report their own assault (although again, sometimes people choose not to report).

(I wouldn't be concerned with evidence at all at the moment. There are plenty other kinds of evidence than physical evidence, which is what it sounds like you're thinking of. In any case, evidence-gathering would be a matter for the justice system and doesn't need to be a concern for an assaulted person or their supporter, certainly not when the assault happened years ago. And just to be clear, years later, there won't usually be any physical evidence for anyone, barring serious physical injury or STI transmission.)

I do have one more question for you. Are each of your friends safe, now and in the future, from the person who assaulted them? Do either of your friends still have to spend any time or have any contact with the person who assaulted them?

[Wonderment]

Thanks for answering! As for your questions-

My friends do feel safe- and they chose to tell me. They have evener told anyone- only our group of three friends know about this. However, for my female friend- I doubt that she has contact with her uncle anymore, but what worries me is my male friend. The person who targeted him, his ex-friend, is going to the same school as him next year. Although he trusted me, he doesn't trust his other friends going (to his new school) there to such a degree. Both of my friends are leaving to separate schools than I, and although I can keep in contact with them- what they say and happen can be very different.

That is the only thing that worries me at the moment. They don't have support (and my female friend does not want to tell her family at all at the moment- for she is having issues with cutting, but is thankfully going to a therapist). I doubt they will tell anyone, since they feel wither no one will believe them, or they will be ridiculed. Sadly, the way their families are- I believe the guy's family would just ignore him, and the girl's family would pressure her even more- since they will not understand why she did not tell them before (it happened when when she was forced into a kiss). As you can tell, this is a reason why only very few people know.

Because of that, I am just trying to do my best to support them- and perhaps show them how to trust the right people- and be protected by the right people. The only problem with that, is that it requires them to open their hearts up.

[Jacob]

Hi Wonderment,

Good on you for wanting to do right by your friends!

Have your friends given you any indication of what sort of support they'd like from you? Or have you asked them that?

Because knowing and respecting what they want is really the best thing you can do for someone.

So they aren't 'required' to open up, it's just about where they are at and what they need/want individually.

[Wonderment]

Hello Jacob,

For my our group it's mainly support by trust- just having one to talk to. As far as I can tell, that's the only way I can support them by actually giving them support. But in terms of opening up, it's not necessarily opening about that- but trusting new people in general. They have a bit of a trust issue, but I can see that they are slowly getting more open (in general trust- like knowing someone will not judge you for just joking, you could say a bit of anxiety)- and their anxiety is going down a bit, but they are still wary (which I think is good- to be wary of people, so long as it does not interfere majorly).

I think this is what I can currently help on- with just supporting. I think this is all I can continue to do, yet I still worry if they will have personal (since I will not see them very much anymore, and I doubt I will see my male friend- as often as my female friend). What do you think I could do to have them have personal support?

[Jacob]

Hello!

My thoughts are...

You could let them know you are a bit concerned about how they will get on when they are not around. You could ask if that's a concern for them and if there is anything you can do.

And if you are willing, you could look up some local services to hand over the contact details for if (and only if) they find themselves wanting to speak to someone.

However in each case really the ball is in their court. Which is the best place for it to be. So as you say you may have already done all you can. Then it's just a question of accepting and supporting their decision about how to move forward.

Does that sound ok, and doable?

[Wonderment]

Absolutely, Thanks!

[Jacob]

No worries!