First love

[GG07]

I've always heard that you never forget your first love, but what's so significant about that person? How do you know when someone is your first love? Is it something that's just made up or does everyone experience a heartbreak in their lifetime? Thanks, Emily

[Ashleah]

Hi Emily,

I think how one experiences a "first love" will depend largely on that person. It really is going to be something that is different for everybody! Honestly, feelings about a first love will likely change as the person continues to gain life experience and form relationships. Same with heartbreak. In the moment, it can feel like the end of the world but after time has passed it feels a lot easier and might not hold as much significance.

I wouldn't say that it is necessarily made up but I think it's important to mention that love is extremely broad. A lot of times when people talk about a first love they are referring to a romantic relationship, but (first) love can manifest in many different ways.

Here is an article that discusses this more in depth:First, But Not Last: On Finding, Navigating, and Losing First Loves

It spends a lot of time talking about moving on and the pain of a relationship that has ended!

[GG07]

how do you define first love? Is it the first person you fall in love with?

[Carmen]

Hi Emily,

I would say that first love has no definition - that's the beautiful thing about it, it is different for every person. As Ashleah said, love is very broad and can mean very different things to different people and not to mention can be experienced in a whole lot of different ways. And sure, I'd say one definition of first love could be that it is the first person you fall in love with (however you experience that love!).
Anything on your mind that you want to talk about regarding this idea of first love?

[GG07]

Well I'm dating my first real boyfriend and I feel all of these amazing feelings... I'm just scared of it ending

[Carmen]

Hi Emily,

That is really exciting and wonderful that you are feeling all these new and amazing things. And alas, that is one of the hardest parts of any relationship or love - the fear of those feelings endings. This is pretty usual for people to feel within relationships and the fear of loosing what one deems a first love can be particularly scary (as the article Ashleah referred you to explains). Love and relationships are inherently pretty fluid things that can come and go. Accepting that is important, but I also think that in healthy relationships there is usually a good amount of comfort in the stability of the relationship and trust in your partner that they are equally invested and excited about the relationship as you are.
Do you think there is there anything specific making you feel scared of it ending? Or more of just a general fear?

[GG07]

Well sadly I'm a clingy person, and I think it's more of a general fear but losing my dad, I guess has made me a clingy person. I don't really have much experience in relationships though, and my boyfriend has had so many girlfriends. I think I'm just scared that I'm not someone special to him, that maybe I'm just another girl and I've given him so much

[Carmen]

That is really hard feeling to have - I'd imagine especially when it's so closely related to a big and hard part of your life like loosing your dad. Do you think this is something you might be comfortable talking to your boyfriend about? Voicing these fears in some way?

[GG07]

Well I don't have my dad in my life because he's abusive... To me it's always felt like I lost half of my family because I don't see anyone on my dads side of the family and it hurts. I miss them a lot and I try to explain to my boyfriend but he doesn't really understand

[Carmen]

Oh yes, I missed that in your last thread - I can't imagine how much that hurts.
How have your conversations with your boyfriend gone about this in the past? About your family and/or your fears within the relationship? If you want I can help you brainstorm ways you could bring up these kind of topics within conversations with him.

[GG07]

Well when I bring up those fears about my relationship ending, he always says that he loves me and nothing like that will ever happen. When I try to talk about my family or dad he's not sure what to say to me, sometimes he just sits there, almost like he's stunned.

[Carmen]

How do you think the conversation would go ideally for you?

[GG07]

Not so well I guess

[Carmen]

I mean, how would you like them to go? What would you like to get out of these conversations with him?

[GG07]

Well I would like for him to try to be there for me. It honestly hurts my feelings that he can be there for his girl best friend but he for some apparent reason can't talk to me and be there for me. I would like to know that he cares for me and my well being and shows me that he can be here for me, even if he doesn't quite understand. I just want him to try.

[Carmen]

Well I would like for him to try to be there for me. It honestly hurts my feelings that he can be there for his girl best friend but he for some apparent reason can't talk to me and be there for me. I would like to know that he cares for me and my well being and shows me that he can be here for me, even if he doesn't quite understand. I just want him to try.

How do you think you could communicate what you just told me to him?
(for example, identifying the ways you have been feelings and the ways his actions make you feel and then expressing those feelings to him)

[GG07]

Well I don't know how to communicate with him because when I say "I really want you to be there for me and at least try, try to be there for me even if you don't understand. At least tell me it's okay. I just don't get how you can't be there for me but you can be there for another girl." Then he gets all upset and then we argue. That's normally how it goes.

[Sam W]

Hi Emily,

That sounds like a very stressful dynamic. When you say he gets upset, can you tell me a little more about what that looks like? As in, does he seem sad, or defensive, or angry, or something else entirely?

[GG07]

He seems defensive

[Sam W]

Ah, okay. What if the two of you decided to talk about this issue at a time when it wasn't emotionally urgent? In other words, if you're trying to have this discussion when one or both of you is stressed or upset that can make it more likely that it will lead to a fight.

Too, it can help to use I statements when having this conversation. For example, "I feel unsupported when you do x" because it decreases the chances of the other person feeling blamed for something.

[Ashleah]

Hi Emily,

Just as Sam said, I think it can be helpful to focus on you and your feelings. Going off of that, I would recommend keeping the focus on your relationship with your boyfriend and not his relationship with his best friend. I understand seeing him do this things with another person can in a way magnify the concerns in your own relationship. But even if he did not have this relationship with her I am assuming you would you still want him to listen, comfort you, and be supportive. This might also help him feel that he does not need to defend himself.

[GG07]

Well there is something else to this though. I have a best friend who is a guy, and he is there for me, but my boyfriend doesn't like that at all and he really doesn't like me to speak to him. He only wants me to ask for his help

[Sam W]

Okay, so that's not a good dynamic to have in a relationship (and you probably already sense that). It's part of a healthy relationship to have both partners be able to have friends of the genders they're attracted to. Your boyfriend gets to have a girl friend he is close to, and you get to have a guy friend who you're close to. Does your boyfriend tend to not want you talking to any male friends, or is it just your best friend?

[GG07]

He doesn't want me to talk to any guys. He's quite possessive

[Sam W]

I'm going to be honest with you and say that possessiveness, especially when it's that strong, is a red flag in a relationship. A trusting partner does not try to control who you see or talk to. Does he tend to be controlling in other ways, like wanting you to check in with him a lot?