Identity issues

[AnEclecticGeek]

Hi. I've never been the most masculine, or the most feminine guy. I've always been sensitive, artsy, never liked competitive sports,always got along best with girls... But I've also always loved "manly" things, like military stuff, action-packed media (action movies, first person shooter video games, power metal) and working out.

I'm attracted to most folks, male, female, and everything in between. I confess I do 'roleplay' as females/intersex in online chatrooms.

I feel perfectly fine filling a male roll. I have a girlfriend, I wear the clothes, enjoy having a bit of a beard (other body hair not so much), but I've always had fun acting feminine in the chatrooms.

I know that it's probably better in the long run if I fully identify as male, as transexuals making the switch to female are higly discriminated against by almost everyone. God knows what my family would think.

I'm just completely and utterly confused over my gender identity, and if I want to change it from the Male identy I've used all my life. I really don't know who to go to (like I said, I don't feel safe discussing this with my family) for advice on this, and came across this site on a search for answers. If anyone has advice on how to "discover" this aspect of myself, I'd really appreciate if you could share it with me

Thanks in advance,
AnEclecticGeek

[Sam W]

Hi eclecticgeek,

As you're discovering, identity can be a slippery, fluid beast. And that's totally okay! But it's also understandable that you might want some words to describe how you feel and how you see yourself. It sounds like you've ruled out trans for the time being (you're right that trans women face a lot of discrimination). Is that because you fear what would happen were you to be a trans woman, or because you don't feel like that concept matches how you feel? And, have you had the opportunity to read about people who identify as non-binary or as gender fluid?

[AnEclecticGeek]

Hi Sam!

I'm not exactly sure where I lie on the spectrum yet, what named sexual demographic I belong to, and I guess I haven't been able to look deep enough into what being a trans woman means and entails, besides the discrimination. I'm not sure if the concept matches, but if it did, I'd most certainly be deterred from fully identifying as one because of the fear of discrimination.

I really haven't looked into the stories of gender-fluid/non-binary idividuals. This "search for identity" has only cropped up recently, hence my supreme confusion on all of it. Are there any articles/blogs you could reccomend?

[Heather]

I remain a huge fan of Genderfork: http://www.genderfork.com

[Laima]

Hey EclecticGeek,

Have you heard of the term demiboy/demigirl? A demiboy would be someone who identifies partially (but not wholly) as a man/male/masculine, whereas a demigirl would be someone who identifies partially as a woman/female/feminine. They are both included under the umbrella demigender.

[LaurenBacall]

Hello!

EclecticGeek, you say you roleplay as non-male in chat rooms because you find it fun, for clarification, do you wish you could play that role OUTSIDE chatrooms too, like you could live that role in day to day life, is the fun part confined to just the online persona, or something else?

[Heather]

I know that it's probably better in the long run if I fully identify as male, as transexuals making the switch to female are higly discriminated against by almost everyone. God knows what my family would think.

In regard to this, I'd suggest that what you want to do for yourself is not focus, right now, on what others might think or how others might treat you if you outwardly presented or identified yourself in certain ways to them. After all, all of that comes after you just sort through how you're experiencing yourself in regard to gender, and how you want to identify yourself only TO yourself.

The good news is that we can do that without involving anyone else at all, so we don't have to worry about others when we're just in the process of figuring ourselves out FOR ourselves, only.

Should it come to pass that now or later you feel like the gender identity that's yours is one that is going to open you up to kinds of oppression or discrimination your assigned sex doesn't, or the way you want to present your gender might not be accepted by people important to you, like family, then by all means, you can deal with that then and make decisions about all of that then. But for now, there's no need to let all of those maybes get in the way of you just having your own open-ended process that's just about and for you, and doesn't have to involve anyone you don't want to include or don't feel totally safe including.