Why can't we make condoms work?

[Ameline]

Hi, could use some advice on proper condom use and other contraceptives. We still can’t figure it out. I am opposed to the idea of hormonal contraception, including local usage and my boyfriend agrees on that. My doctor considers a non-hormonal IUD unsafe. Cervical caps look interesting, until you realize that because of a high frequency of sex (3-5/day) I’d have to keep it in almost all the time…

So it seems we’re stuck with condoms. But we still seem to be unable to figure out how to make them work without a hitch. We have a favorite brand and type that works better than others, but it’s still far from perfect. They just start slipping around after a while, especially when it really starts to feel good. It’s not a size issue, smaller ones were even worse. My boyfriend tells me that what happens is that when I really enjoy the sex, I clench my muscles so much I grab at the condom and start pulling at it and unrolling it (they say extra lenght is OK, but I don’t know. Never saw shorter condoms being sold, at any rate). The thing loses elasticity after about 10 minutes, too, which doesn’t help. He feels it slipping because it’s pretty abrasive to him as it moves and so we get another one before it comes off. We started adding a drop of lube to the inside which made it better, but not by much. There is absolutely no problem with erection, no reason why it should happen. There are positions where it’s less likely to slip, but those don’t really work for me or him particularly well. The problem seems to be worsened by changing positions or generally re-entering. We don't like using lots of lube because of the mess, but I don't feel it to be necessary. And it doesn't help anyway, the only times the condom came off without us realizing was when we were liberal with lube, it must have gotten inside the thing. I think we tried every tip out there to make them work, but still we need to stop right when it’s best and change condoms… talk about mood killing. Any ideas or suggestions?

[Heather]

Before anything else: have you two yet tried the inside/female condom? If not, sounds like it might absolutely solve these issues for you.

[Ameline]

We didn't try female condoms, it might be interesting, thank you for the suggestion. But how would I put it? We got a good source of wholesale condoms and since we buy our favorite ones in bulk and regularly, we negotiated a serious discount. They don't sell female ones. So it means they could get 5-7x as expensive for us, which is simply too much for regular use, unfortunately. But it might be an interesting option sometimes. (come to think of it, maybe it's not that much pricier, since in half of the cases we need to use a second one and to find our source we had to do a bit of digging which I didn't do now. I'll try looking into it a bit more, but the price at which I see them in my country is quite a bit more than we could afford)

[Heather]

Do you mean how do you use female condoms?

I hear you: unfortunately, this style of condom is more expensive. But I would at least give them a try to see how you feel about them. An online company called Lucky Bloke - http://www.luckybloke.com - is where we get our condoms for outreach, and they ship all over the world without affixing big shipping charges. Might be worth a peek:

In the meantime, can I ask, when he puts the condom on, before any sex, is it rolled all the way down to the base of his penis? The thing is that during vaginal or anal intercourse, there are always going to be muscle contractions of those parts, so that that occurs should not be the issue here, as that occurs for basically everyone.

Too, know a few drops of lube inside a condom shouldn't cause it to slip off, and what lube you use on the outside will not get inside. I am concerned that a lack of lube might be part of the issue here, but I am curious first about how the condoms fit your partner before we get to that part.

[Heather]

Btw, I would also be happy to talk with you about your options with other methods. IUDs are perfectly safe now, so for one, your doctor's opinion on that doesn't square with current (read: within the last ten years) facts and study about IUDs. Too, if you want to talk about why you are opposed to hormonal methods, in the event any of the basis for that may not be sound, we can do that, too.

You might also want to consider that over time, you are unlikely in any relationship to be having sex 3 to 5 times a day after being together for a while, if for no other reason than that it is hard to keep that frequency up and actually have any time for the rest of your life. So, it may be that some options you are ruling out for right now may be more feasible in the future.

[Ameline]

Thank you for your replies. I seem to have found some quite affordable female condoms, good references and all - postage pretty steep, but we could try a different brand that is more available and if we like it, try to get a lot of those.

I was also quite perplexed by the opinion of my doctor regarding the IUD, but I trust the clinic she works at to be very modern and one with the best equipment wide and far. She is very careful and cautious, double-checks everything and runs tests even beyond what is commonly done. She said that while it's relatively rare, some complications can cause problems with future fertility and since I'm childless, she wouldn't be OK with even the smallest risk. I'm not entirely convinced, but I don't want to go behind her back. She's also a big advocate of the pill.

I'm not really sold on hormones, there's something reassuring about your natural cycle, taking advantage of each stage, I even find my mild kind of PMS psychologically cleansing (as in, you can't fool yourself by ignoring a problem). I believe it can also build a better awareness of the body, to feel and understand things like when you ovulate, for example. I also can tell how's my livestyle been based on how regularly or not I get my period (I tend towards very long cycles if there's something wrong) and make adjustments accordingly. My boyfriend is pretty much involved in the psychological aspect of it and even expressed mild envy Also I believe there is a lot of interwoven hormonal mechanisms at play in the body, some of which are even today not fully understood and the less you have to mess with that, the better. I was on the pill for several years in the past, didn't have any problem, but realized exactly on how much I've been missing out after quitting it (end of a relationship, no reason to spend the money). It also took me nearly two years until my cycle really got up and working properly again.

I'm not entirely sure how soon and how much will the frequency decrease, it's our second year together and since we're still discovering new stuff about each other's and our own preferences, gradually opening up even about very taboo subjects, well, if anything, there's been a gradual increase in frequency (and imagine what will happen if we solve the condom problem ). It's true we don't live together although that's going to change very soon, but we generally spend the better part of the week together between mine and his place. It's bound to change, but at the time being that seems quite distant. I could do with a bit less, honestly, but when I see him turned on, I just can't help myself even if I'm dead tired And I seem to turn him on a lot.

Now to the condoms: He rolls it as far as it goes, but there's still a bit of room between the outer ring and his body, it just won't go further and if attempted, it will just roll back and we end up with extra bunched up length. So I suppose that's how it should be. Now I think about this, I wonder if we in fact don't need larger condoms. But to be completely frank, if anything, he feels slimmer than my previous partner... But could it be he's simply wider only around the base? Or my previous (first) partner extra large? The type we use that gives us least trouble IS unusually wide compared to other normal sized ones, but it's also anatomically shaped so the comparison might be false... I also thought it's a problem with the lube as the condom dries me out a bit after some time, but it gets even worse when we add it for some counter-intuitive reason. I just thought it gets on the inside, honestly, and that's what makes it go. Do you think larger condoms are something to try?

[Heather]

Again, what your doctor is telling you about the IUD truly is simply outdated and without basis. Just so you know, the two things MOST associated with infertility are actually STI transmission (namely when an STI isn't treated in time and then PID -- pelvic inflammatory disease -- develops, which can also happen with the IUD, just like it can without, but an IUD can complicate secondary infections from STIs) or complications from pregnancy.

It's not "going behind a doctor's back" if and when the health information they are giving you is incorrect and a person chooses to see a doctor whose education and advice is more current and accurate. What that is, actually, is just sound practice to assure our health care is actually best for us.

If you would like to look at some information about the copper-T IUD that is current and accurate, you can take a look here: http://www.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/Long- ... nd-Implant

Sounds like you're pretty no-go when it comes to hormonal methods.

So, that leaves you with:
• the Paragard/Copper-T IUD
• Condoms
• FAM or natural family planning
• A cervical barrier: a cap or diaphragm
• The contraceptive sponge
• Withdrawal

I would suggest going ahead and trying female/inside condoms to see how they work for you. (Do be sure and use lube to insert, it matters). I would also suggest you do a few things with male condoms if you want to keep trying those:
• DO use some lubricant from the start -- not only once you get dry, as that isn't the right way to use it -- and be sure to add more as needed. Especially if you are having intercourse as many as five times a day, your vagina is going to be pretty raw (which won't feel good, but also makes it more likely for a condom to basically stick more inside your vagina due to the dryness that will also create). Really, our bodies generally simply haven't evolved to create the amount of lubricant needed to work well with condoms most of the time. When he is putting on the condom, he should add a drop or two inside of it before rolling it down, to help it roll all the way down and be sure to leave an inch or so of room in the tip, if he isn't already.
• DO have him try a condom with a wider base. So you two don't have to risk it falling off, he can just try using one with his own masturbation to see how it does or doesn't work for him.
• DO stick to only having intercourse when you are awake and actually really want to for yourself. That's just general advice about healthy sexual relationships, but again, if your genitals get all raw and dry, not only is that kind of sex unlikely to be that great for you, it also may play a part in your condom problems. Insertive sex actually asks a lot of our bodies, so 3-5 times a day, especially if that's every day is a LOT, and doesn't give your parts time to rest up and regroup when it comes to your own pH and bacterial balance and your own lubrication.