born female, but feel like an actually gay man and not having transition is killing me.

[CloudyNess]

Hello there!
I am new here and this is my first time posting a topic.

Well like says the description of this section . I am not exactly sure in where belongs this I am going to share here.

I am 19 years old and biologically female.
The thing is... I never felt like a girl since I have memory... I am feminine person of course, but not in the enough percentage for calling myself a girl or woman. I wasn't like a normal girl when I was a kid , instead I was a bit more inclined to masculine stuff and all. And today's still the same... I am identifying like a feminine man for the most part now... I think there's a little bit of queer somewhere, may be... sometimes I feel queer but still as a queer man, but just sometimes....
I have always wished and felt the most comfortable sensation thinking on looking masculine.
Also looking like a pretty and hot gay boy!


Besides there's something that is haunting me like five years ago and looks like forever to be honest.
"If I was born male, my life would be easier." And...
"The idea of being a gay man."
I was confused and felt lost in the beginning, but with time passing I discovered and realized things by things.
Among many other things I found, I picked a term called "girlfag".
It says that is a biologically female who feels like a gay man trapped in a woman's body. I was feeling like that way a couple of months ago, but now I am not feeling exactly like that anymore... I REALLY feel I am a gay man and not even a girl or woman. So this idea is fitting with me even more and more... but as I have dysphoria I feel more frustrated each time at the same time. Maybe I am girlfag because I am biologically female, but I can't even identify with the "girl" word in there.

There was a moment I didn't care about having a vagina, I just wanted to have top surgery. BUT. .. As I am searching more and more about bottom surgery, I really am feeling better and comfortable with the idea of having a penis instead... Whenever I see gay man couples I feel like that's one of the most normal things and it's even a beautiful and awesome stuff, but I feel also some envy . Because I want a man in my life who loves me and cares me like the man I am. I want a man to care and protect with all my life... is not just a thing of having more pleasure with genitalia, I don't care if vagina gives me more sensation,no, is the way I am feeling it should be, is about how I really feel, and I feel should be having a penis instead. .. though.... I have a boyfriend on internet and I feel gay for him.
The thing is I want him with me as a man, if I think of him with me as a girl, is completely repulsive to me (that's the reason I don't look for straight men, not even a 0.1% of interest in them as my lovers. I am fascinated with feminine and masculine gay boys instead).
I told my boyfriend I am trans by accident (it was supposed to be in more time) . I think he misunderstood the point, but he's acting with me like always he does. But he's 14 and I am afraid of clearing the point for him because he couldn't understand well... he may be bisexual and even if I tell him the truth there's a possibility that him ends up perceiving my "female" side instead and I hate that...
When I think of dominating a man I feel aroused and excited like if I knew from ever what to do in any circumstances of intercourses or something else, the idea is pretty fitting to me.
I want to be the man of my boyfriend and I consider the idea of transitioning more and more with the time. But I have a fear of losing the attraction for him or shifting my whole orientation to women because of T.
I feel attracted to women also, but talking of me as a man I can say I am homoflexible because I am really attracted to men emotionally/romantically/sexually. But I have heard T may change that and I am afraid of it...
But I really want to change my body.
My gender transition is a real problem also because of all the phobia of my family, so even having 19 in age I can't at least have a more masculine image, and that frustrates me really badly.

[Jacob]

Hi Cloudyness, welcome to scarleteen!

Before we get onto the bulk of your question I just want to address the age of you and your boyfriend. If he is only 14 and you are 19 you could very much be putting yourself and him at risk. He is a child and you are an adult which puts a very big power imbalance into your situation which could be considered abusive. I would strongly advise you to change the nature of that correspondance, or find a way to end it. I understand that communicating online can make these things feel ok, and that we can find really great connections online that we may not be finding ofline, but it's important to step back and look at the situation.

With regards to your main question, it sounds like you have quite a clear idea of your gender! A man attracted to ther men! That is a completely valid way to feel and you are not alone in it. We have some great resources on being trans, and from what I understand tesosterone can influence attraction but is unlikely to completely flip you from gay to straight. However that would be a useful thing to discuss with a doctor while going through that treatment.

Trans Summer School: So I Think I Might Be Trans. Now What?

[Blueswan]

Agree with everything Jacob said. I would like to add some therapy, a trusted confidant, or some self reflection may help you to become more comfortable with transitioning and with transphobic relatives. Best of luck!

[Redskies]

Hi CloudyNess,

I just want to add in some detail about what Jacob was saying about the age difference between you and your boyfriend. Jacob's right to take care to protect the both of you, as there are some significant differences between people at 14 and 19, and it matters that one of you is a legal adult and the other is a legal minor. No matter what gender you and your boyfriend were - if you were a man and a woman - you'd need to take some care with the age difference, but even more so when you're trans and you're both the same or a similar gender. Sometimes, even when everything in the relationship is very healthy and respectful, other people can get very upset indeed and result in some very serious trouble for you. You didn't say if you and he have any kind of sexual communication, so perhaps this isn't a big issue for you: but if you do have any kind of sexual communication, that's the sort of thing Jacob was thinking of and that might result in trouble for you.

Do remember that the age difference between you matters: if you think of yourself at 14, you were probably fairly different in a number of ways than how you are now. Different people do develop (in the broad sense, including things like emotional abilities, how people think, what people know about the world) at different rates and at different speeds, but it's still broadly true that someone at 19 has some different abilities and life experiences than someone at 14. So, when you're talking with your boyfriend, do be sensitive to that, and take care to centre your communication on what he's ready and able to handle - that's always the responsibility of the older person, even when you have some other major life issues in the mix.

Do you think it might help to give your boyfriend some basic information about trans people, and what it means to be trans?

I'm so very sorry that your family isn't open or supportive about your gender. That's hurtful and hard.

How can we best help or support you about your gender identity and expression?

[CloudyNess]

I am not sure of what to do anymore. I once told him I was trans by accident like I said , and he told that he understood.
The problem is I am insecure about if he understood or not , and I don't know the way I can explain to him the fact I am ,trans, I wish I could. And imagining that he will left me because of that is killing me because I wish I can be just a boy.
He found me and always thought that I was actually a boy , so that made me feel happy and comfortable , and then we made a cconnection , and still here we are.

I am not sure how you can help me with my gender and transition , the unique fear is that I don't have any support for that not even my family nor friends.
I wish I could start doing transition right about now.
But I am from Venezuela and I guess that's a real deal and a very difficult thing to do here because of our situation. And I certainly don't have money.

I am new here sorry if I replayed in wrong place or if that was wrong if I replayed again.

[Sam W]

Hi cloudyness,

Can you tell me a little more about why you're worried he may not have understood you when you told him you were trans? Are there things he has done or said that indicate he doesn't actually get what that means?

The first thing we can do for you is direct to this series. While it can't help with everything, there's a lot of information in it that might be helpful to you: Welcome to Trans Summer School!

Another way we can help is by trying to help you find community. In your area, do you know of any LGBT groups that you could meet with?