He says he's not ready for sex?

[kat_lear]

My boyfriend and I have been together for longer than a year and we have had sex countless times (we are both 17). Recently I told him that I wanted to have more interesting sex as I have never had an orgasm with him and I would like to instead of it always just being him. During this conversation he expressed that he feels too young to have sex.

He told me that he has felt this way the whole time but hasn't wanted to upset me by saying he didn't want it. But now I have so many questions that I'm afraid to ask him! Did he not want it this whole time? Was every time we made love just hell for him? Am I not attractive enough? When will he be ready? Is he gay???

I know he cares for me but I cant seem to get over the fact that he lied to me for a year about the nature of something that is such an important part of relationships. It makes me feel like every sexual encounter we've had has been forced and a lie and he hasn't enjoyed this at all.

I'm worried that I won't be able to look past this and it will badly damage our relationship which is the last thing I want. What if he's keeping other things from me?

All in all I pretty much just want some tips on how to deal with this speed bump.

[Onionpie]

Hi kat_lear, welcome to scarleteen! I'm sorry you're in this upsetting situation.

Your boyfriend's feelings around whether he's ready to have sex or not don't have anything to do with whether you're attractive or not, and it doesn't mean he's gay. Being told that he's not comfortable with having sex when you've been taking part in that for a year is certainly a big shock; I can understand how disoriented you must be feeling right now. The number one thing in a good relationship is communication, and with a big issue like this, it's even more important to communicate.

So, the person to direct these questions at would be him. You can ask him why he didn't feel able to tell you the truth about his feelings around this, and what you can do going forward to ensure open, honest communication from both of you. You both need a lot of support right now, as this is a hard thing to go through. It's important that you're both really supportive of each other and listen to each other's needs without judgment. That way you can figure out exactly what it is you both want, and work out something that is a good fit for both of you. That way you will both feel a lot more secure in the relationship, and nobody will feel the need to stay silent about their needs.

We have a great article about talking with a partner about sex, and the tips can totally be applied to this situation, so I suggest you check it out:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

We can also help you think about how to start this conversation, and what your needs are going forward in the relationship, and how to make sure to address all of this in the conversation you have with him, if that's something you'd like us to do.

[kat_lear]

He is going away until late this month so I will have some time to think about it and figure out what I'm going to say. My fear is that too much thinking about this could be negative.
I'm also not really sure how I would start that conversation as I'm not extremely assertive and would feel a little awkward.
If you could help with that conversation, it'd be amazing, thank you!

[Carmen]

Hi kat_lear,
One of the things I find makes starting hard conversations easiest (and the article onionpie sent talks about this too) is "I statements." - finding a moment that feels comfortable for you (eating, driving, watching tv, beginning to kiss, etc.), and expressing your own feelings about this situation (because we can only ever really speak from our own perspectives). For example, using the feelings you expressed in your first post, something like "I feel upset that you didn't communicate this to me earlier and I am worried that you haven't been enjoying or feeling comfortable when we have sex, I'd love to talk about this more with you..." or "could you tell me more about your feelings around this so I understand it better?"
What kind of settings do you think you might be most comfortable starting the conversation? And while these were just some examples, what would you would want to express or ask?

[kat_lear]

Another thing is I have a lot of internal thoughts questions etc. And I was wondering if you had any tips to learn to deal with those about this issue other than talking to him as that could take a while because he doesnt get back for 2-3 weeks.

[Mo]

To some extent, I think talking to him is going to be what has to happen to resolve a lot of your questions here, since no one else is going to know what he's feeling right now, or why he chose to have sex when he wasn't feeling ready for it. It might help to write down, somewhere, all the things this has brought up for you that you might want to talk to him about; sometimes that helps me prepare for a conversation I know is coming but that I can't have yet.

In the meantime, though, I think it might be helpful to read through a few articles we have on our site from other women who've been upset that their male partners aren't always (or ever) interested in or ready for sex; these situations aren't quite the same as what you're describing here, but I think there's advice in both cases that could be applicable to your situation & helpful to read. http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... o_i_do_now & http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... his_mind_0