I know exactly all it takes to be ready, so why can't it happen?

[cityofthedead]

I'm a straight male. I feel very ready for a sexual relationship, but there's nobody around to express myself to. I masturbate a lot at home and I feel so confident with myself and my body, and communicating with a partner about my sexual likes, and I would ask her and carefully listen to what she likes, and respect her boundaries because I know she'll respect mine if I respect hers. I know sex would put me in a very vulnerable area, but I've never dealt with molestation or abuse or anything like that so I know exactly how to stand up for myself when things get sour before, during, and after the encounter. I know how to apply condoms and hopefully some nearby doctors wouldn't mind giving out some birth control as well. I've looked at all kinds of good articles on Scarleteen that are related to my problem, but don't seem to be giving me advice accurate enough to me. Scarleteen is always saying about being horny that if you're just personally horny and don't want to have sex to interpersonally share with someone else, then you just masturbate it out. I don't primarily want personal, bodily pleasure and satisfaction out of sex. I just want intimacy with another person who I don't have specifically in mind yet. Yet it's so frustrating because I'm a lower class student in high school and people think I'm "too young," but I've learned and studied sexuality and sexual safety for months now and I feel very ready beyond being horny over the edge like I was months ago. Could anyone please advise me on dealing with this frustration? Thank you very much

[Mo]

Hi cityofthedead, and welcome to Scarleteen.

It can absolutely be frustrating to want a deeper intimacy, sexual or not, with someone when you don't currently have an intimate partner. We do suggest masturbation as one way to deal with sexual feelings when you don't have a partner, but there are other options too, that we do recommend; some people channel that energy into arts, sports, or other hobbies, or into cultivating new friendships and deepening intimacy with people they already know. Since it sounds like you don't have a particular person in mind as a sexual/intimate partner at the moment, I think focusing on expanding your social circle to make and deepen connections might be a good start.

We have a really big piece on intimacy here that you might find helpful, if you haven't seen it already.

[cityofthedead]

Ya know, Mo? (Or anyone who's reading this) I think you and the other administrators/volunteers are awesome people and this site is filled with awesome people, but in the past month since I started this topic, I've really started to notice problems socializing. I have Asperger's Syndrome, so it's difficult for me to remember things people say to me, understand how they're trying to deliver what they say, and how they want me to respond. It's even more difficult not having the experience of being in a close, attractive relationship.
I live with/near a fairly small family, and I only have a few friends who I've been close to since we were in preschool. But I'm not in preschool anymore. I'm ready for more than friendship. Of course friendship/closeness is essential to any relationship, but I've wanted a maturely passionate, romantic/sexual relation with someone of the opposite sex. Relationship is the key word here. I'm not some whiny little bastard who can't be complete without a girlfriend. "Complete", "other half" and other terms like that just aren't my vocabulary. The only thing I really want is a mutually giving and taking relationship, nobody takes responsibility over the other's feelings or actions. Interdependent, not codependent. I know that relationships aren't always gonna be easy squeezy, but Those tough spots in a relationship don't come close to my grueling desires for sex and romance. Are there any other places you know I could find help? Thank you very much once again.

[Heather]

Hey there.

It seems like you're angry in a lot of that last response, and I'm not sure why or who you're angry with.

But it sounds like perhaps you misinterpreted what (I think) Mo was saying. Maybe that's what the anger is about?

The thing is, it sounds like you're saying you want a sexual relationship with someone else. But you don't mention there being anyone, in particular, you want to pursue a sexual relationship with. If we want to be sexual with someone else, it's obviously imperative there is a someone else in the first place. You certainly may not have to go without this kind of relationship you want -- so you may not have to deal with being frustrated about not having it -- but if you do actually really want this, then a first step will be to find one or more of those specific someones. Know what I mean?

You ask for other places to find help. We're always glad to make referrals, but I'm not sure I understand what kind of help you're seeking. Can you fill me in?

Additionally, would you like some resources (they're mostly books), specifically for people dating and seeking/having sexual relationships who are on the spectrum? It sounds like those might be of good use to you in terms of some of the challenges with socialization in general you brought up.

[cityofthedead]

I'm quite sorry if I sounded angry in my last post there. I wasn't. Although I am kind of angry. But not with other people. People have never liked to blame themselves. Which is why perpetrators of rape and other crimes blame their victims or another influence of their actions. Not me. I take ownership of my feelings and actions. I once tried approaching a girl as innocently as I could, but soon, I got blamed for sexual harassment, which is why I never try to look for love or a compatible sex partner. I try to keep my faith in finding a compatible partner, but it's hard when you are so lacking in experience. I made Socializing more and promoting healthy attributes my sole New Year's resolution, and I'm trying to keep that resolution. There are lots of people, Guys and girls, that I interact with every day. I'm lucky, talented, and important to everyone I know. I'm grateful of that, but it would be lovely if a girlfriend were one of those people.
So, back to that "anger" thing, I'm only angry with myself because of how I really want sex and romance, but there's nobody specific I'm compatible with in those regards. I know I'm not the only one. I know there are many people of every gender that have similar desires as I do. When I say I'm angry with my self for nonspecific sexual desires, I'm also angry with the human neurological wiring. We literally go nowhere when we want sex and romance, but we don't have specific person to share them with. But when we do have a specific someone, we go far and wide and enjoy each others' beauty together. It's an incredibly F'd up system.
So, about other resources for help, this was actually one of the last places I looked to. I first talked to my family about these issues but they couldn't help me, which I respected, but my problems weren't solved. I've asked some health teachers too, but they didn't have time to talk. I have help books written for autistic people, which are great, but don't exactly relate to my personal issues. Thank you, everyone. I'll try not to sound too harsh in my MB posts here.

[Heather]

I have things to say about your post above, but I'm still unclear about what, exactly, it is you want help with. Sorry if I'm being daft.

Do you want help pursuing intimate relationships (and in a way where, even if this is happening because of others' ableism, you're unlikely to have anyone accuse you of harassment)? Or do you instead want help and support when it comes to how you feel about not yet having that kind of relationship, and the frustrations involved with not having one, and/or looking for that? OR are you saying you are basically giving up on the whole thing for the time being, but you still a strong desire for that kind of relationship, despite not wanting to pursue one right now, so you want help with those feelings? Something else?

We'll be better able to help if you can make what you're looking for more clear. so we know what to try and help you with. Thanks.

[cityofthedead]

I really want to have a passionate relationship, of course, but that's the focus of this discussion. I have so many other wonderful things in my life. I have all the support I need. It's just how I want to experience love and sexuality in ways I haven't before and involve another person (in this case a woman) who also wants a romantic and sexual person to share with.

[Heather]

I'm so, so sorry, but I still am not getting what you want our help with. I feel like I'm missing something super-obvious, too.

Do you want our help, then, finding the kind of relationship you want and pursuing that aim? Practical help? Emotional support? Both?

[cityofthedead]

Heather, that first thing you typed up in the second paragraph of your reply above, about finding the kind of relationship I want and pursuing that goal, yes, that is what I want your help with. The thing is just that it seems impossible to be able to find one suitable person among a whole crapload of people with that direct goal. Any advice about all that?

[wintergreen]

I don't want to butt into this conversation and I don't know how you approached this girl, but perhaps one issue is that you're looking for a relationship with sexual intimacy at the forefront of your mind? I've only ever had one relationship, and then it took years for me to develop even a first date, so I'm not an expert, but perhaps one way to do this is to ask merely to hang out at first, develop that into a date, and baby step into a relationship that leads to more sensual and finally sexual intimacy. For the record, depending on the person, that last step might take a while. Neither person in my relationship is ready. Because of that, it's important you also enjoy the person you decide to date in general.

Also you said you live in a small area. I know it sucks to hear this, but if there's a small pool, you might need to wait to find the perfect person.

I'm sorry if this isn't very coherent. I want to help but I'm not sure exactly how to formulate what I want to say? Good luck!!!

[Sam W]

Hi cityofthedead,

If I've got this right, one potential starting place is figuring out what kind of dating you're most comfortable with or interested in. In other words, do you want to try something like a dating site( EDIT: Given your age, I now realize this is not an option) or focus only on meeting people through mutual interests or friends? Or is there another approach that feels like it fits your needs?

[Heather]

Okay, I finally get it! Thanks for that.

The thing is just that it seems impossible to be able to find one suitable person among a whole crapload of people with that direct goal. Any advice about all that?

By all means, if any of us figured that literally anyone, of the billions of people on earth, could be a good fit for us for a sexual partner, it sure would be daunting! So, we have to narrow it down. If any of this seems obvious, my apologies.

First, we narrow it by obviously who we have access to in the first place. So, for instance, if you're a younger teen, your access is probably limited to your own community and online relationships, if you're part of any online communities.

Then, we narrow it by who, uniquely, we have that kind of interest in. It would be incredibly uncommon for someone to feel sexually attracted to/sexual desire for absolutely everyone. Some people's spheres of attraction are wide, others narrow, but all of us can usually narrow it down to a few people we may feel that for and feel it most strongly for.

Then we are going to weed out anyone from that list who is already in a relationship, has made clear they aren't interested in that kind of relationship, or who we just know from the front, for any other reason, wouldn't be interested.

Is there someone left after all that? If so, then it's about either getting to know them better, if we don't already, to see, and often over time, if a) that's something they want and if so b) if we seem like a good fit for each other in this department.

Those are all very initial steps, but how do you feel about them? And if you feel like you have already taken those, what's the situation right now? Is there anyone specific you have interest in? What's the scoop with them and with you?

[cityofthedead]

Thank you very much for your advice, Heather. I have considered your method of narrowing down all the girls to have a relationship with, but I'm afraid to express my desires for a romantic/sexual relationship because I've tried it before and I got in a hell lot of trouble. Also, while I know desires like this are normal, I'm also afraid there might not be any girls who feel ready to have a relationship with someone like me. Girls at school interact with guys, of course, but not not in an intense, passionate sort of way. I think everyone in my grade has desires for passionate relationships, but they're trying very hard to hide it. I could tell that girl I unknowingly harassed felt sexually frustrated with not being in a relationship, which is why I tried to get in touch with her. This is why I'm so frustrated with not having a romantic/sexual partner, not to validate or complete me personally, but because I know how much depth and richness it would add to the lives of both of us. So the way I see it, it could be very easy for anyone of an appropriate age to find a beautiful, blissful sex partner. We human beings are primitively making it difficult because we don't want to share our feelings with other people, whether it's feelings towards someone specific, or in general. The latter is my case. I wouldn't be so concerned with expressing my sexual desires if I hadn't been growing up in this depraved culture where everyone has to keep their sexualities secret. I really want a girlfriend, to experience the passion and depth while also working through hard times and having sex. I'm not angry, I'm just afraid, confused, and frustrated. I really need help getting a girlfriend now. Thank you so very much for everything, seriously. I love all of you.

[Mo]

One reason why I think it's helpful to think about finding a partner not just in the general terms of "I want a girlfriend" but in terms of "this person in particular is someone I would like to be my girlfriend" is that people want to feel that you're interested in them specifically and not just as someone who can fill that girlfriend role.
It sounds like you have a lot of strong feelings about what you want to share with someone that you're in a relationship with, and that's great knowledge to start with. Creating some level of connection or intimacy with someone is a good first step if you want to establish a romantic relationship; there's no guarantee that being friends or friendly acquaintances with someone will lead to a romantic relationship but many people aren't going to want to get into a relationship without some baseline level of trust or comfort already established.
I'm curious: would you be able to name a few people who you know and might want to date? Do you have a sense of who they are, whether or not they're people you'd be comfortable approaching right now?

It's important to point out that no matter how much you might think you know about what someone else is feeling or wanting in terms of relationships, it's best not to act on those assumptions without talking with them first. Unless the person who felt harassed said specifically that she was feeling sexually frustrated, for example, that's not something you can expect to guess based on context clues. Do you want to talk at all about ways to express interest in starting a relationship with someone that are more likely to be received well?

[cityofthedead]

Do you want to talk at all about ways to express interest in starting a relationship with someone that are more likely to be received well?

Yes, Mo! I don't know if the girls I go to school with are really interested in me, but I'd love to give it a shot.

[Heather]

How about this: can you think of perhaps just one girl, for right now, you have these feelings for or interest in, specifically, who you might like to get to know better and see if a sexual relationship seems like a maybe for you two at some point? If so, can you tell us about her and what kind of relationship, if any, you have currently?

Also, can you give me a picture of how comfortable or uncomfortable you generally are socially, and if there are things that make that harder or easier for you?

[cityofthedead]

Well, there's this girl named...uh... Crunchy. No, I ain't givin' you any actual people's named in my life. We come by each other sometimes at school as we roam the halls and we sometimes sit and talk together at lunch. She's very friendly with me but we only see each other under the roof of the school building.
Every person I walk by and/or go to class with is always very happy to see me, but I'm sometimes concerned over whether the girls I want to try getting close to are really interested in deeper intimacy with me. Actually, a whole bunch of girls through my years have expressed possible affection for me, but I wasn't so interested in having relationships then. I want to try getting a relationship going with Crunchy, but I'm worried that either she might not be interested in having a relationship with me like I do her, or she just wants friendship. It would be such a waste if I'd been getting to know more about Crunchy and either she weren't into me, or she just wants friendship.

[Sam W]

One possible first step, then, could be to ask Crunchy to hang out during non-school hours to give you two some time to develop a friendship that extends past school. That gives you more of a chance to see how well you get along with each other, both as friends (which is rad all by itself) and as potential partners. Does that sound doable?

[Heather]

(I love that "Crunchy" is the pseudonym you picked, btw. Was one of the first things I saw when I woke up this morning, and gave me a nice jolt of whimsy and joy. )

On this, btw:

Actually, a whole bunch of girls through my years have expressed possible affection for me, but I wasn't so interested in having relationships then.

This is a lot of how dating and such often goes. We will have interest in some folks who don't have it in us, others will have interest in us when we don't with them. And timing is so everything, so it's pretty common, in my experience, to have situations where someone has interest in us and we don't at a given time -- or are unavailable, or just not interested in a relationship, etc. -- but then later, our feelings change. And maybe theirs did by then, too.

It can obviously be pretty frustrating, the whole thing with all of these factors, but it's just kind of how it is for pretty much everyone.

[cityofthedead]

So, I had a class with Crunchy, and I sat across from her at lunch. There were a bunch of other girls at the table, as usual. I would say hello to them and give a small comment when a chance came. But I was too focused on my crunchy food to really interact with Crunchy herself. I know I could've given Crunchy an honest word if I weren't so afraid she might not share my feelings. Love (especially the passionate kind in this case) is one of the most basic human needs. Is it really that hard to find? One side of me is wondering if pursuing a relationship with Crunchy is even a good idea, 'cause there's a 50/50 chance she won't want one with me. Besides, my consideration of Crunchy is only really rooted by my desire for a girlfriend just in general. The other side of me believes I should try and get into a relationship with Crunchy. Since I've had absolutely no experience with romantic/sexual relationships at all, I should try and explore my working with another person. Even if it probably won't last all the way through high school, I would have much longer term relationships because I've had experience. I'm trying to be confident and faithful of my romantic/sex life, but it's hard and even scary knowing the girls I'm interested in may not be interested in me or have the time/energy for me. Also, which side should I pick? No, I don't mean the Light Side or the Dark Side like in Star Wars. I'm just talkin' those two sides of my mind that I described earlier.

[Karyn]

Pursuing a romantic relationship with someone just because we want a relationship in general and not because we're interested in them specifically, as a person, tends not to lead to satisfying or healthy relationships. I'd suggest that if you're not feeling strong attraction to this person, it's probably not the best course of action to try and develop a romantic relationship with her.

If you are truly attracted to her, then it's worth taking a chance and trying to get to know her better, even if it doesn't pan out: as Heather said, oftentimes that's just how dating goes. A lot of it is about timing and chance, factors out of our control, and even if you don't end up dating this person, you might end up with a good friend, which is honestly equally valuable.

[Karyn]

By the way, there are a couple of resources that might be helpful for you in thinking about dating and the possibility of rejection. This piece focuses on sexual consent, but there's some good stuff in there about dealing with rejection more generally, too: What's in a No?

The second resource is Dr Nerdlove, who has a ton of useful pieces about all kinds of dating and relationships topics, including what to do when you really, really want a relationship but aren't having much luck finding someone to have a relationship with. I'd suggest starting with the "dating" category and exploring from there: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/category/category-dating/

[cityofthedead]

Pursuing a romantic relationship with someone just because we want a relationship in general and not because we're interested in them specifically, as a person, tends not to lead to satisfying or healthy relationships. I'd suggest that if you're not feeling strong attraction to this person, it's probably not the best course of action to try and develop a romantic relationship with her.

If you are truly attracted to her, then it's worth taking a chance and trying to get to know her better, even if it doesn't pan out: as Heather said, oftentimes that's just how dating goes. A lot of it is about timing and chance, factors out of our control, and even if you don't end up dating this person, you might end up with a good friend, which is honestly equally valuable.

Thank you for your advice, Karyn. Crunchy actually sounded like a nice girl to try out for. I did start seeing her more uniquely since that event I described in my post before yours, But I wouldn't have been interested in her if I weren't interested in just a relationship in the first place. So I'm just gonna take your advice and leave her be. As I make this decision, it will still be very scary and unfaithful (please take that part seriously. I don't look at the world the way most people do), but me myself will be the only burden for problems, not myself and Crunchy.

[Heather]

So, where do you want to go from here with this conversation? We can figure we are at an end with it, move in another direction...? Regardless, obviously, you're welcome to hang around the boards and talk about other things or related stuff!

[cityofthedead]

Heather's right. I think we've finished Story Mode. I don't care whether or not it's a happy ending. It's just an ending. From here I'll continue with my life and grow the heck up. I'll work on myself and my characteristics that not only will get me laid sooner, but will be an awesome person to everyone I meet.