How do I find someone I like?

[Thisguy2]

I identify as a male and have since kindergarten wanted a girlfriend. However still, as an 18 year, I am marred by my fatal shyness, and since the idea " a man should be the pursuer" is still a thing, I can't really ask out women. What should I do? Do I just sit around and wait for a woman who doesn't wait or is there some way to tell a woman I want to go out without saying it? I have tried to just sort give women I'm interested in a flirtatious smile and tried to give them more attention than others but I'm not sure that works. I just am annoyed by this social construct and want to know how to deal with it. I hope this is a question that hasn't been asked and isn't dumb.

[Karyn]

Welcome to Scarleteen.

Unfortunately, it's difficult to organise a date with someone without being able to talk to them about it directly at all, but maybe there are some ways to phrase it that won't feel as intimidating for you? For instance, rather than saying "Would you like to go out on a date with me?" you could ask about doing something that would give the two of you more one-on-one time together, like "How about getting a coffee together sometime?" That way could take some of the "OMG I'm asking someone on a DATE" pressure off, as well as lead to the two of you spending more time together to get to know each other and hopefully help you feel more comfortable talking to them, period.

(By the way, I hear you on the whole 'man should be the pursuer' thing - it certainly doesn't do anyone any favours and can make dating a lot more difficult and daunting for some folks than it needs to be!)

[Ashleah]

Hi Thisguy2,

Welcome to the boards! By no means is this a dumb question and it is a topic we deal with a lot

Unfortunately, there isn't a way to ask someone out without actually asking them out. Well, not unfortunately because communication is great and is the most effective way of expressing our wants and needs which plays a huge role in developing and maintaining any sort of relationship.

I think it might take some of the pressure off if you can look at it as getting to know someone instead of trying to find a girlfriend. Sure, you might be interested in dating down the road, but before people get into relationships time is spent learning about each other. Do you think it would feel easier to ask someone to just hang out vs. asking someone to go on a date?

As a fellow shy person, I understand how scary these things can feel. Talking to new people is something I find to be very difficult. One thing that has helped is being okay with rejection and not taking that personally. There have been times I've asked someone out or tried hanging out with someone new and they weren't interested. Sure, it's not the outcome I was hoping for but acknowledging that it was a possibility before hand made it easier for me to ask and comfortable asking someone else later.

I agree, social constructs can be annoying. When it comes to gender, sex, relationships (anything really...) they can be limiting and even dangerous. The reality is everyone is different which is important to keep in mind, not only for yourself and how you feel most comfortable interacting with people, but also for any person you might be trying to form a relationship with.

Can I ask why you are interested in having a girlfriend? You don't mention liking a particular person, so I'm wondering if being in a relationship is something you partially feel just should have happened by now.

Also, what is your relationship like with your friends? How have you formed those relationships?