breakup + depression?

[bikinksterboy]

my partner last night talked about breaking up with me because he feels he doesn't spend enough time with me or "treat me right", and this morning he stated he's severely depressed, which I know has happened in the past but I've never seen him as low as he is now. If I leave I'd feel kinda guilty since idk how much of that opinion he has will change once/if he moves past this point. any ideas on how I should proceed?

[Sam W]

Hi BiKinksterBoy,

This sounds like a really rough time for both of you. There are a few different things to consider. Is he currently accessing counseling to help manage his depression? If so, that's a space where he can process his feelings around your relationship, which can help you two figure out next steps.

If he explicitly asks for a break (it sounds like last night was more of a "maybe we should" conversation, but please correct me if I'm wrong), then I would suggest honoring that boundary and ending the relationship for the time being. Depending on how you feel, you can continue to offer to support him as a friend if that's something he's comfortable with.

[bikinksterboy]

we did break up, and no as far as i know he isn't in counseling but he might just not tell me. we had some conversation later in the day but it wasn't much of anything meaningful for the most part, and we haven't spoken since. I think it's best for now to just wait until he's ready to talk again. i did ask about counseling but he didn't respond. (our relationship is long distance, so he may have just been busy and not read the text)

[bikinksterboy]

well i mean we didn't actually both agree "yes we are breaking up" but i didn't object and I was at a loss for words when he brought up his depression and didn't wanna just say "you're wrong we should get back together"

[Mo]

I think your idea that it's best to wait until he's ready to talk again is a good one, even if it's sad or upsetting to have to wait. It can be really tough to have a relationship end or change due to a partner's mental health; I had one end because my partner was dealing with depression and felt like they couldn't be as present and happy in the relationship as they wanted to, and it was really rough. So I sympathize with you, for sure! I hope you'll be able to stay connected in a way that works for both of you.

[bikinksterboy]

another update: he seems to be doing okay now, we're still able to make friendly conversation, and despite our romantic relationship being over, there was a bit of dirty talk exchanged, if that means anything

[bikinksterboy]

yet another update: after a lot of talking and being just friends, we're back together, and he's in a much more stable state. we don't speak as much as we used to, but I don't see any red flags so far.

[Karyn]

It's good to hear that things are going well!

[andreus19]

I am glad that you found a way to stay together