Feeling Too Much At Once

[dalisabeth]

No matter what happens it won't end well. My cousin will be most likely in jail. His sister tried to do everything she could to get him to come back the first time. She threatened me. If he's gone forever I can't live with that guilt.

[Jacob]

Do you mind telling me more about her threatening you? Does she know what's he has been doing to you?

Also how much does your counsellor from Bethesda already know?

As per him going to jail... that doesn't need to happen for things to be better for you. He doesn't have to go to jail for you to be away from him, for the sexual abuse to be over or to begin the road to recovery speaking freely about it to a counsellor.

That said, him continuing to be able to be abusive is definitely not good for him. You would have nothing to feel guilty for because if you find a way to make this abuse stop you will have done the best thing for him and you.

You have said he has had a difficult past, which could be a factor. But ending this abuse would be a vital part of his recovery and learning to be a better person even if that is years into the future. He might need proffessional support... but none of that can happen while the abuse continues.

I know this is a lot to handle, it's really not fair you have all this to worry about. You are already doing a great job by continuing to reach out and trying to work out the best options for you. I hope we can help however you need us to!

[dalisabeth]

I don't think it would end well anyways. No matter what kind of outcome happens

[Jacob]

Ok. I am so sad to hear that you are feeling like this.

I also have to acknowledge that I do think there better days ahead for you. If you are not feeling it though, that makes sense. We have had people write on this site about how their abuse ended, which I can share with you if you think that would be helpful or positive for you.

Is there anything you would you like to talk about with us?

How is counselling going?

[Karyn]

Hi, dalisabeth. How have you been doing the last few days?

[dalisabeth]

No good outcome will come from this. Either I will get even more hurt, or he goes to jail.

He comes home from hanging out with his "friend". My parents aren't home. I'm alone doing laundry he comes and it happens. He fingers and kisses me. Then he picks me up and tries to take me to his room. I say no we can't and he goes just for a little bit. He puts me down he continues with kissing me. He jokes around messing with my butt, slapping my ass, grabbing my boobs, and like cupping my parts. Then his sister comes in. He slaps my ass one last time then stops. He talks about what happened with his friend. He tells me to go away and tells her something. He made out with her IG bc they were making jokes about him being a leech. That's what bothers me. I realize I'm really just his fuck toy. I realize he's using me. I realize everything. And it hurts me so much I hate him, but I can't get enough because it seems like something's wrong when it isn't happening. I got so used to it this whole thing feels normal. You guys might not understand it. I get it, nobody has yet. But let me just say I am not emotionally stable to tell anybody anything. If I tell the whole truth it will kill me more than him. I'm alone. I don't have anybody. And that's all I can think about. Nobody gets it either. He screwed with my head. He still is. And I can't stop it. I don't know how and I don't know if I'm ready to.

[Mo]

I'm so sorry this abuse is continuing, and that your cousin's hurting you so much and so often. I know that none of us here can understand exactly what you're feeling, but when you say this is feeling normal to you now, that makes sense to me. In long-term abusive situations, it's an understandable survival mechanism.

I do think Jacob made a really good point above, which is that this situation isn't healthy for your cousin either. We are focused here on your safety first, but it is true that being an abuser isn't good for someone and getting help so that they can stop the abusive behavior is a positive thing in the long term. We can't guarantee that reporting will or won't result in jail time for him, to be honest. I do sincerely believe that reaching out to someone who can offer you help, and telling them at least a part of the reality of your situation at home, is going to be in your best interest right now. How do you feel about the counselor you're seeing right now? You say you don't have anyone right now; does it seem like they wouldn't believe you or don't want to help you out? That is a resource that really should have your well-being in mind so I'd hope your counselor would listen and take you seriously if you talked about this with them. Would you be open to doing that to some small extent, even if you aren't ready to share all the details?

[dalisabeth]

The counselor thinks I'm better. She thinks I don't need counseling anymore. I hate counseling so much anyways. She doesn't understand how I feel. She's just there.

[Karyn]

What do you think would happen if you told your counselor everything your cousin's been doing to you? What do you think she would do?

[dalisabeth]

She would tell someone. The authorities to be exact. I don't want that. They were going to put him in jail that night, but my parents dropped the charges. Guys I really need help. I really don't want to do this anymore. Its too much. I'm having too many racing thoughts. Its too much for me. Then he comes along and makes it better. Then it happens again. He's using me. He is. And I can't stop it because a part of me wants it. He's not the only one at fault here. This is tearing me apart. It was horrible when it was all rape and sexual assault, but now it doesn't feel that way. It feels like consent. I'm consenting to this I think. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't want to do it anymore.

[dalisabeth]

I need someone to text. In someone I can talk to on a daily basis and I have nobody. The counselor doesn't give a shit about me.

[Iwanthelp]

It 'feels like consent' because he's had years to groom you, since before you were a teenager. Brainwashing you into thinking you 'want it' is part of the pattern of rape and abuse, stockholm syndrome can quite easily be a factor since you're stuck in the same environment as him. Things like telling you to go away is deliberate abuse ploys on his end, it's intended to create a "wow even the person who just hangs around with me to hurt me wants me to leave" rejection effect in the recipient.

I understand not wanting to report again but this situation just isn't sustainable, I'm hearing a lot of despair here. The counsellor might think you're fine and no longer in need of counselling because she just doesn't have all the information, if a counsellor is told the abuse has stopped and that there's not an ongoing situation they're generally going to believe that. A lot of counselling/therapy is an interactive process, if one side with-holds vital information then the counselling doesn't work.

[Karyn]

Like Iwanthelp said, one of the possible reasons it feels like consent is because when abuse goes on for a while, it becomes your normal, even though it absolutely isn't normal. That's part of why abuse is so difficult to deal with and can be so difficult to leave: it really messes with your sense of what is and isn't okay.

I know you don't want to report, but reporting is a way out of this situation. It isn't something that's easy to do, but again, this is not a healthy or safe situation for you to be in, and you deserve so much better. If you don't feel up to reporting yourself, one option is for us report to DHS on your behalf. It's something that we've done a few times in the past for users, and if you think that would be a little less difficult for you, it's definitely a possibility and something we're willing to do.

[Jacob]

Hi dalisabeth,

Thanks for catching us up! I really appreciate you coming here and sharing the difficult feelings with us.

If I tell the whole truth it will kill me more than him.

Shame is such a difficult thing. It can be decades before many survors come forward and say something like "I feel like it was my fault because on some level I enjoyed it" or "I feel ashamed remembering how I was aroused when I was assaulted". It is extremely common, much more than we talk about... But under no circumstances does our bodily reaction, our psychological reaction, or emotional reaction make us responsible for any of the abuse we suffer, ever. It's not your fault. It's just just how you survive and probably helps to keep you alive in a horrific situation!

You don't need to talk to anybody about that aspect unless you want to... It's something for you when you feel ready to go there.

Like I say it can take years for people to talk about those feelings, so it's amazing you are able to talk about it here. I really think it will help you in the future. You might feel out of control, and this might sound strange but I really don't know if I could do as well as you are doing... It really moves me how much emotion you are managing. I really want you to know that. We are all so rooting for you.

When it comes to speaking about what has been happening to you and getting help and getting safe. You might have options to tell those who might help you what you need:

For example you could tell someone that the number one thing that stops you getting help is fear of the person abusing you being punished. They need to put your safety and your treatment before going after him.

That sounds like a really clear want from you. And something you can ask for.

Some of this might take steps.

A really small step could be saying maybe to that counsellor "Something big is happening and I will need your support but I am not ready to tell you yet."

You aren't saying much, you are definitely not having to say the "whole thing"... But that is the sort of step we could talk about here. Maybe even steps that are smaller than that.

As Karyn said, we could report too. Smaller steps could just be a conversation with us about how that would happen and what the further steps would be. Even if we didn't necessarily take those steps right away.

Sometimes we need to dip our toes in the water a few times.

I am sending out all of my well wishes to you tonight.

Remember there are people here who have heard and listened to what you have said. I hope we can help you feel like part of this burden has been shared.

[dalisabeth]

How do I move on? How do I learn to forget about it all? Its a slow process I know, but I also don't know where to start. I want it to all end, but I'm not ready to share. I think I know more of why I'm holding back. I need to know I have someone's support for when I let him go. And don't get me wrong you guys are great, but I'm talking about someone here with me I can cry to and talk to. Someone that will make me feel like I'm wanted. Nik took more than just one thing from me and I need to get that back before I'm ready move on. He's withdrawing again. And honestly every time he does I think if what's best for me. So let's hope this time he doesn't come back to me. So where do I start?

[Karyn]

Wanting some support from someone else in your life is totally understandable, especially if it feels like you've been very alone without anyone else to turn to.

Do you have any good friends you might be able to open up to a bit?

[dalisabeth]

No I'm kind of a loner. I pushed everybody away when it first started. I don't have any close relationships either. He was the one I went to. He held me when I was crying. He took the pills from me when I tried to kill myself because my friend did. It sounds like a love story to me, but it never was one.

[Karyn]

Is there one person you pushed away who you might be able to reach out to and connect with again? Even with something like saying "hi" to them at school, if they're someone you see there, can be a starting point.

[dalisabeth]

No one at all. I'm telling you I have nobody.

[Sam W]

It sounds like, then, in addition to some of the other small steps Jacob mentioned, starting to reach out and find a social circle is something that could be really valuable to you. Are there things you like or activities you enjoy that offer you a chance to meet people? You also mentioned staying at a friends house one night to get away from all this. Is that person someone you could work on strengthening your relationship with?

Something to remember is that making new connections takes time, and that they won't feel exactly like the dynamic between your and him. That's ultimately a good thing, but when we're first starting to connect to people we can sometimes wonder why the connection isn't as "intense" as we're used to, and worry that means we're doing it wrong. But what it really means is that the relationship is developing naturally.

[dalisabeth]

I'm shy and I'm mean. I push people away. We can't afford to do any activities, so no. I can't make friends. Friends aren't on my side anymore. I don't have any other choice but to do this on my own.

[Jacob]

Hi dalisabeth!

It's good to hear from you again.

In abuse we can be made to feel that our decisions and safety aren't important. That'll make it really hard for anyone to ask for help. 'How can I deserve help when I haven't been deserving of safety and care?'

And yet you have come to Scarleteen asked us for help. It's a privilege we take really seriously, because it's something we deeply believe you do deserve.

You could push us away and say: "This advice is all useless". But if you came back we would still be here. It would make sense to us because, this is super scary, we'd know it's not your fault, and if possible, we would try again.

You never know who will come back when you call them. You're right that some parts of this only you can do, but asking for help is the main one and you have already started doing it.

One really powerful phrase for me in difficult situations has been to ask myself "If not now then when?".

I would run through all the excuses and fears in my head and say it again... "If not now, then when?"

It was painful but it helped me so much to reach a point where I could reach out for help, or turn away from abuse.

What would be a phrase for you do you think, which could push you forward?

[dalisabeth]

I'm struggling, and it helps so much to know y'all are here. I just can't cope with the fact that this happened. 'If not now then when?'. I get that, but I feel its too late. I lost my chance to say something when we got caught. I lied to the authorities about it all. They won't believe me now. I feel like I lost my chance, and I can't get it back. Plus I don't want anything to change. Too many things have changed recently and I can't deal with much more at the moment. Its painful and draining.

Over the past few days, things have become more complex. He talks about these two girls: his ex (Destiny) and a girl he likes (Bre). He talks about hanging out with Bre and how his relationship was with Destiny. It bothers me so much. He does this to me and still talks about them not mentioning a thing about me. I have no idea why it bothers me so much, but it does. He leaves me alone, then out of nowhere he touches me. Last night while we were camping, he messaged me saying "are we gonna meet up?" I said we can't and he came up with a plan. He said the girls bathroom in the shower. I said what if someone goes in there? He said they wont, but i argued saying you don't know everything. He said he does then somehow brought up how he's in charge. I said he wasn't and he said only in bed. I blew it off and said are you cold and he said no why. I said because I'm cold and shaking. He said I can keep you warm. I said no you can't, and he just said OK. He eventually fell asleep and it never happened. He's got me so confused and I don't know how or what to feel.

[dalisabeth]

Just a moment ago he came in my room to lay down with me. I didn't push him away. For a moment we just laid there. I pretended to be asleep to see what would happen (it worked previously) and he just touched me that's it and not for long. After a while of me pretending I started moving around signaling him I was awake. I started shaking because it was so cold in my room and the fan was on. He held me and kept trying to touch me, but I pushed him away each time. He asked me whats wrong, i said nothing, he just kept asking me. Aftera while he left and I checked my phone. Two hours ago he said are you still awake. I just saw the message and I replied back sarcastically saying duh I'm awake. He said I should go into his room when I want. He normally never sayds when I want, he just says come to my room or you should come into my room tonight. I said I don't know if I should. He said I was acting weird earlier and demanded me to tell him what's wrong. I refused. I want to tell him, but I'm not sure how he'll respond and it scares me not knowing. I went into his room earlier and just laid down. He kept trying to touch me but I grabbed his hand and moved it. I only stayed in there for a couple of minutes before I was ready to leave. I got up and he touched my ass, so I went to slap him but he pulled me and I ended up on top of him. I laid there just for a second and he did it again, but I just walked out that time. So now I'm in my room just thinking. I'm proud for pushing him away it's a step to recovery, but I also feel bad. I don't know why..

[Iwanthelp]

It's not too late - if it helps there's a link here about a woman accused of making false accusations except the truth came out in the end. It's really long to build up to that point of the story though https://www.propublica.org/article/fals ... able-story
If/when you do report I think mentioning how the adults around you failed to respond could help, I mean they've given you plenty of reasons not to. Your parents should have done more and DHS' response was fucking horrendous, I'm not surprised you feel hesitant about reporting. There's things they said that should never have happened.

His behaviour is still very much abusive, he's basically pulling away/waving these other girls in front of you to create a feeling of rejection to try and draw you closer and acting nice to confuse you and facilitate abuse. None of it is truly nice behaviour, its' all part of the pattern of abuse. Guilt and feeling bad is pretty understandable when you've been guilt-tripped and groomed for essentially years, I'm sorry things are still rough on you right now.

https://www.pdf-archive.com/2014/08/24/ ... e-do-that/ there's a pdf a guy did on male abusers here if it would help you to read it sometime, I use the scroll button on a mouse to zoom out a bit because the text is a little too larger for me and slows things down. It goes into describing types of abusers and debunking a lot of myths surrounding their behaviour.