I get no pleasure from Clitoral stimulation

[Struggling101]

I never thought I'd resort to this but here we go.

I'm 17 years old and since as long as I can remember, I'm talking like aged 5 (although I didn't know what I was doing then,) I've masterbated in what I consider a really strange way. Basically I sit down on something fairly firm, just like you'd sit on a chair and for want of a better phrase I kind of 'wiggle' in circular motions and apply pressure to the whole of my vaginal/clitoral area. More recently I've put a small pillow between my legs when doing this to kind of apply more pressure. I can do this when wearing clothes or not it doesn't particularly make much difference and I always manage to climax/orgasm even though it's not the most satisfying orgasm in the world it's still an orgasm, and I can usually manage it fairly quickly as well like 10/15 minutes maximum, usually about 5.

So throughout my life I've always thought this was a weird way of doing things but it's worked for me so I continued but now the issue is I have a boyfriend who wants to be able to pleasure me himself. I'd also like this to be able to happen however he tried one time and he first inserted a finger into my vagina which just hurt completely (I'd never had anything inserted before) I eventually told him to stop this and go for the clit which ended up feeling slightly less painful but still kind of painful. I tried to instruct him to use a lighter touch because it was kind of hurting but even then I was still feeling much more pain than pleasure. He proceeded to try for a short while before eventually giving up.

So since then I've had a go myself because I'd put off touching myself before this and it feels roughly the same as what it did with him, I can tell when I touch my clit but it feels more like a shooting pain than pleasure and so I tried kind of touching all the areas around my clit but to no real avail, I just get nothing from it besides slight pain. And even afterwards I end up with a strange kind of stabbing feeling in my clit when I move around afterwards that takes a short while to stop occurring

I just don't know what to do because I want my boyfriend to be able to pleasure me but I can only masterbate in that very strange way! Please help me (also does anyone else masterbate remotely like that or am I super weird?)

[thewrit3r]

Hi!

First off, there's no "strange" way to masturbate. Everyone has different preferences and feel pleasure in various ways, so as long as you don't hurt yourself. Secondly, lots of kids masturbate so it's not just something older people do (I know because I did it when I was that young too). So there's nothing "strange" about it. Strange is so hard to define because everyone has different opinions. Honestly, that word's pretty meaningless if you ask me!

Concerning what happened with your boyfriend - it could have hurt if you weren't relaxed, but there could be other reasons. Was your boyfriend wearing gloves? That's something to look into (as well as making sure his hands are cleaned) so there won't be a spread of infection. If there's less pain now then it was probably just touched in an uncomfortable way and hopefully it won't be painful anymore. But since I don't know what happened you could always see a doctor, especially if the pain lasts longer. Also, don't feel like you have to "push" through pain to try to get through pleasure - unless you enjoy that, of course, it's really not worth it. Sex shouldn't hurt. It's good you told your boyfriend to stop, but if it still hurts make sure you let him know again. Sex is a two-way street and everyone involved needs to feel comfortable. It may turn out that fingering just isn't for you two right now, but you could always try different sexual activities you both can enjoy.

[Redskies]

Welcome to the boards!

thewrit3r is correct that there's no "strange" way to masturbate, and that there's a really really broad variety of ways that people do.

How you masturbate is definitely not as unusual as you think it is, and there are anatomical reasons for that! The clitoris is actually much much bigger than the part you can see and/or feel: most of it is internal, not external. So, if the kind of sexual touch that someone likes involves stimulation of the broader genital area and not specifically the external clitoris, that'll be a lot of the why: it's likely stimulaing other parts of the clitoris than just the small external part.

And, about that external clitoris: it's typically a very sensitive part of the body. It's not unusual for people to find that they don't like direct stimulation of the external clitoris in all or most circumstances, or that they only like a very light touch. It's also not unusual for people to experience direct touch or firm touch as pain, not pleasure.

It sounds a little to me as if recently, you've been starting with what you think "should" feel good to you and what you think people typically do as manual sex on themself or with a partner, and trying to figure out how to do something like that in a way that you like. How about approaching it the other way around: start with what feels good to you, with what you like, with the ways that you think you might like to be touched, and figure out what kinds of activities on and with your body create those kinds of touch. Does that make sense?

Do you really really want to be having this kind of sex with your boyfriend? I ask because I see that you said hewants it, and then you said you'd like it to happen too. Is this something that you truly and deeply want yourself? How you feel about it makes a big, big difference to what you feel and experience while you're doing it. Sexual pleasure is mostly about what's happening in the brain while we're being sexual, rather than about the exact right physical recipe.

[Struggling101]

Hi!

First off, there's no "strange" way to masturbate. Everyone has different preferences and feel pleasure in various ways, so as long as you don't hurt yourself. Secondly, lots of kids masturbate so it's not just something older people do (I know because I did it when I was that young too). So there's nothing "strange" about it. Strange is so hard to define because everyone has different opinions. Honestly, that word's pretty meaningless if you ask me!

Concerning what happened with your boyfriend - it could have hurt if you weren't relaxed, but there could be other reasons. Was your boyfriend wearing gloves? That's something to look into (as well as making sure his hands are cleaned) so there won't be a spread of infection. If there's less pain now then it was probably just touched in an uncomfortable way and hopefully it won't be painful anymore. But since I don't know what happened you could always see a doctor, especially if the pain lasts longer. Also, don't feel like you have to "push" through pain to try to get through pleasure - unless you enjoy that, of course, it's really not worth it. Sex shouldn't hurt. It's good you told your boyfriend to stop, but if it still hurts make sure you let him know again. Sex is a two-way street and everyone involved needs to feel comfortable. It may turn out that fingering just isn't for you two right now, but you could always try different sexual activities you both can enjoy.

Thank you for your response!

My boyfriend wasn't wearing gloves for the record but I guess that's something we could do. There also isn't less pain when I try it myself it's very similar so I presume it wasn't just him however I'm not sure about seeing a doctor just yet I don't think it's a medical issue and most likely more of a sensitivity issue.

I'm sure we'll find things we enjoy eventually but everything takes time, on a more positive note we're very open with one another so I can at least talk to him about things openly.

Again, I'm very appreciative of your help so thank you

[Struggling101]

Welcome to the boards!

thewrit3r is correct that there's no "strange" way to masturbate, and that there's a really really broad variety of ways that people do.

How you masturbate is definitely not as unusual as you think it is, and there are anatomical reasons for that! The clitoris is actually much much bigger than the part you can see and/or feel: most of it is internal, not external. So, if the kind of sexual touch that someone likes involves stimulation of the broader genital area and not specifically the external clitoris, that'll be a lot of the why: it's likely stimulaing other parts of the clitoris than just the small external part.

And, about that external clitoris: it's typically a very sensitive part of the body. It's not unusual for people to find that they don't like direct stimulation of the external clitoris in all or most circumstances, or that they only like a very light touch. It's also not unusual for people to experience direct touch or firm touch as pain, not pleasure.

It sounds a little to me as if recently, you've been starting with what you think "should" feel good to you and what you think people typically do as manual sex on themself or with a partner, and trying to figure out how to do something like that in a way that you like. How about approaching it the other way around: start with what feels good to you, with what you like, with the ways that you think you might like to be touched, and figure out what kinds of activities on and with your body create those kinds of touch. Does that make sense?

Do you really really want to be having this kind of sex with your boyfriend? I ask because I see that you said hewants it, and then you said you'd like it to happen too. Is this something that you truly and deeply want yourself? How you feel about it makes a big, big difference to what you feel and experience while you're doing it. Sexual pleasure is mostly about what's happening in the brain while we're being sexual, rather than about the exact right physical recipe.

Hello and thank you very much for your response I really appreciate it

It never really occurred to me that I could still be stimulating the clitoris when I was masturbating, I was in fact very confused about what my masturbation was stimulating at all so thank you for that information.

I understand where you're coming from with the idea of thinking about what feels good to me and then considering how to replicate that in touch, but honestly not much comes to mind, I'll definitely give that more of a think though.

Also yes I personally would like to be able to have this kind of sex with my boyfriend however doubtful I may sound about it. The thing is I am nervous when it's occurring which obviously doesn't help the pleasure situation since I'm well aware that I need to relax. However I even get nervous and shy away from it when I try to pleasure myself in that way (with my hands) so it's not so much I'm nervous with him (although I am slightly but for a first timer I'm sure that's got to be kind of normal) but I'm just nervous touching down there anyway, I suppose because I'm scared of pain rather than pleasure if that makes any sense so it seems to be an unavoidable problem until I find something I like.

As I said to thewrit3r me and my boyfriend are pretty open with one another so I will be able to talk the issues I am having through with him if I decide I want to.

[andreus19]

Well, you just need to find "your way" for doing this. I googled for you 2 articels and one video, read and take a look, I think that can help: http://badgirlsbible.com/clitoral-stimulation , http://www.mypleasure.com/cp/42658/How_ ... _an_orgasm and (video) [edit: link removed].

[Alice O]

Hey Struggling101,

You said that you are feeling nervous when you're exploring manual sex with your boyfriend, and also when you are trying masturbation when you are alone. You are definitely right that nervousness often shows up when we are trying something for the first time. It also makes a lot of sense that wondering whether you will feel pain or pleasure is also bringing about nervousness. In addition to these two factors, I am wondering if you are experiencing any guilt or shame around these activities? And if that might be impacting the nervousness?

It sounds like directly touching your clitoris/vulva, as opposed to wiggling on a firm surface, seems to you like a more "normal" way to masturbate, and I'm wondering if that is bringing up any feelings? (To reiterate, there is not one "normal" way to masturbate, just going off of what you shared earlier that you felt was "normal" v "strange/weird.")

Just wanted to throw this out there, as something else that might be playing a role in exploration, since I know there are so many messages in our world about masturbation (and female sexual pleasure in general) being "wrong" and "bad." But it might not resonate for you/I might be off-track.

[Heather]

I'm late in here, but I am just passing through to give you some basic language I think might be useful to you, both in accepting there's nothing weird about you or what you like or need, but also to more easily express and embrace what you like alone and with partners. Redskies said similar, as well.

In a word, you seem to prefer and most enjoy general -- rather than super-specific, like on the clitoral glans, for example -- vulval and more indirect clitoral stimulation. You probably already do or will like sexual activities like scissoring, "humping," manual sex that isn't about insertion or direct rubbing of the glans, and/or toys that provide these kinds of sensations. And none of that is unusual. It's all quite common.

When you are doing what you are, your clitoris is also getting some play, and in fact, what's likely most getting stimulated as the crura, or legs, of the internal clitoris and the external portions of the clitoris, just not as directly as those portions would be with, say, oral sex. So, if talking to a partner, rather than "I get no pleasure from my clit," what might be better descriptive -- and thus, more likely to result in what you like -- is something like, "I enjoy only very general -- not targeted -- play when it comes to my clit, and more the whole thing at once, inside and out, than the glans."